and then I counted to 10...

So this Holiday season has been thankfully very busy, I have been cooking, baking, serving, delivering and teaching as much as I possibly can. Yesterday was a double duty day, I was teaching a kids cooking class and then heading to a dinner party that I was cooking and serving in NYC. When you work in the food business, holidays creep up on you like, "oh tomorrow's Christmas". I have baked over 1000 cookies in the last week and fed at least 500 people, so my body was ready for a rest and yesterday morning it came to a halt. I showed up to teach my class and the place forgot about it, which put me in scrambles, rushing around, getting ingredients, clearing space, etc. My heart started to beat rapidly, my hands and feet numbed and I knew any second I was going to be "that lady", "that lady who passed out at my 11th cooking Birthday party". I didn't want to do it, I gave myself that "come on Vicki pull it together- you just need to make it through the next two hours without dying". I made it through, out to the car, on to my cell phone and forced my sister-in-law (who is a nurse) to chat with me for the car ride home. The whole, being an entrepreneur, an artist, a what ever puts me in a position of not having health insurance and not having an option of not being healthy. Yesterday, however I had to face my fear and go to a doctor and deal with it, for no other reason than the fact that I had a dinner party that night as well to cook for. My brother Charles, is a good guy, he is one of the best I know, despite the whole Republican thing, he does the right thing for his family, friends, humanity. He and his wife showed up for me yesterday and loaded me up and than as I was at the doctor he sat with his etiquette book reading about proper table service, etc. He realized when I told him I was going to the doctor (after never ever going) he may have to step in for me last night.The doctor took my blood pressure, normal chit chat and then we talked about panic attacks and he gave me some pills that I should take in case it happens again. My brother came with me last night and helped serve, he did a great job. These last couple months I have been figuring out my life, saving, etc and the more I think about it I don't need to find me, I know me. I love my family, being creative, people, cooking, laughing, writing and just living a life I am proud of. Lately I have been looking at spots to open a store front for "Soulfully Good" my catering business. I know this will be a shock to those who thought "super stardom" was the obvious next step but if I am being honest with myself, this makes me happy the thought of making 12 kinds of scones in the morning and making stain glass cookies to fill my windows and most of all maybe working with my family some times. I know it does not seem cool to say, but I like my family. I would like to get married one day and have some kidlets and I think not being afraid means just being true and good to yourself no matter what that means. I still don't know the exact next move but I do know I (without panic attack) am excited about it.
HAPPY EVERYTHING!!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

fa la la la la la la la la......

as I peel that tape off my finger tips and embrace my crafty self. I love them, I like the whole thing, paper, crayons, hot glue guns, there is a messy Martha Stewart that lives in me and she can not be denied. This year I decided to buy gifts based on everyones names like my nephew Jack gets four gifts - all wrapped in brown- each one decorated with colorful letters I made -J-A-C-K. so you get it. This is the conversation I have with myself-
"Vicki, this is out of control, why am you cutting out all these snowflakes? because I want to and it makes me happy. Really? do you really need to hand make bows? yes, they look pretty. they do". Lately I have embraced the side of me that is completely truthful, by truthful I mean honest and kind. There was a time, not that long ago, where I thought living in a glitter snow globe was real and somehow helpful in my life. Yes, I like crafts but delinquent bills cut into confetti does not mean I just had a great party in my apartment but instead means my lights are about to be turned off. So, I slapped myself with some truth and turns out it is slowly but surely working, my debt is nearly gone, my arse is slowly but surely getting smaller, and I am open to real life love (no more crazy inventive sagas in my head). Wow, so what next? Well, that's just it, anything is still possible. I have been enjoying cooking, teaching, performing and mostly just being open to the next thing that moves me. I have something in the works, will keep you posted when something more tangible forms because for me I don't need a glitter cloud just some sparkling earrings. I know you are like, "you are the lady bug warrior". Turns out I don't need an invisible helicopter, just a "can do attitude", a smile, some elbow grease, confidence and a little bit of luck. Happy Holidays, thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

what you talkin' bout Willis?

That Arnold, oh such a card. I realize I am a single woman, in my 30's, with a couple of cats, temporarily staying with my Mom, unsure of the exact next step of my life, an optimist, a sometimes silly but spiritual person, not afraid to fail, likes to be chatty but also quiet, can cook you under the table and may have made a giant gingerbread house with my nephews that looked exactly like the house they live in- however it still stings a tinge to not be one of the cool kids.
Last night I performed in a show that followed another show and the room was packed. I walked in feeling cute and also slightly nervous having not performed in two weeks and also noting the rooms average age, a good guess, 24. I knew a few people said hello, and the standard greetings, and then saw some cool kids, the ones that kind of look you up and down, add up your function in their lives and respond accordingly or not at all. I never worried about fitting in, I think coming from a wacky house I just wanted to appear "normal" what ever that was and by the time my preteen angst came about I "walked to the beat of my own drum", a favorite phrase my mother likes to use to describe me after telling people my brother is a CPA. So, cool to me is being aloof- a quality that I was spared, they were like give her thighs but keep aloof so I am terrible at it. However, when ever my nerves get to me and I absorb some of that vacuumis energy I become this person who fakes "normal" like the wall to the real me comes up and I try to play the aloof cool game which for me comes off as slightly retarded. It seems like I always take 4 steps forward, three steps back and yes you guessed it cha-cha-cha. No really I am always learning a bit more, feel more confident, blah, blah, blah and then retreat slightly. So what's the answer? Be cooler, NO, laser shoot these people in my mind, NO, maybe, NO, just keep going, doing my thing and realize the cool guy from HS is now selling insurance and has a beer belly. But, I hate that answer, like the "I think less of you to think more of me" because I am really an uncool cool. So, I decided to just keep refocusing, doing my thing, and maybe not wearing trouser socks to the next "cool" event. The people who were in the show I was in, were not aloof and were very fun, we were just out numbered. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki
PS- I did run yesterday- #365- and I lived, and still question the sanity of runners, sorry may try again. #364 challenge- still unknown- but I will do it before midnight tonight and will update tomorrow. Please, even anonymously, leave me some comments with "never have" challenges for me, my brain is still frozen on "slightly retarded".
*** the word retarded is used in this blog to describe actions that say exactly how I feel and in no way reflect anyone who has any learning challenges.

365 days till.......

First I have to admit I am fully aware that this blogging thing is a self indulgent thing for me with that being said more about me. Stop it, no really that being said I have decided to take on a personal challenge for the next 365 days, why you ask? what kind of challenge? Well back ground for anyone who is wondering, flash back 4 years 3 months ago - I was living in Sparta, NJ, a cute town on a little lake, living with a mean little man who was as shitty as I felt, and trying my darndest to make ends meet, unhappy and no idea how to change it. Flash back 3 1/2 years ago, sold my house, killed the troll (not really just made him leave), and moved to NYC, made a list of things to do because I really had no idea what made me happy. List read: Punk rock guitar player, glassblower, perform something....that was the start. So each week I dragged my newly bought guitar to lessons, I took a few trains to Brooklyn to learn to blow glass, and I started taking improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Then CBGB's closed- I gave up on the punk rock dream, had fun blowing glass but not my medium, and discovered stand-up comedy and love it!!! So flashing back to the present, I moved back to NJ a few months ago to save $$ for my next move, did a one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" and working on tweaking it and doing it again, and performing stand up a few times a week. I am kind of at a plateau, and feel like I need to shake it up a bit again because having any down time usually causes me to google any physical ailments I have, and at this point having self diagnosed myself too many times I should already be dead.
I need a personal challenge- so here goes- everyday I have to try something I have never done before (or in a very long time)- as simple as eating a tangelo, or as daring as tight rope walking, or as bold as telling someone to F off at the second I think it (never have said to anyone unless in jest). So besides my regular blogging I will include my daily challenge. Today, duh, duh, duh- I will run (not walk) 1 1/2 miles, I know I can't believe that this is true but I would say it is safe to say that for at least 15 years I have never had the inclination to run, ever. I have fast walked a bunch for miles but never kicked it up. So here goes challenge #1- if I never write again that means I didn't make it and can say Running is bad! - I probably will survive- knowing now that my heart rate rising is not a sign of death but merely exercise. Thanks for reading! xo,
Vicki

I'm sayin it.......

I know I write a lot about my weight and maybe it is not your thing but for me it is a barometer of how my life is going , like can't fit in a movie theater seat-may need meds- or exercising daily- credit card bills probably paid- you get the point. SO what about right now-duh, duh, duh- well I am working it, trying to trim down and actually trying clothes on when I buy them- fat girl me just buys them, tries them on at home, they don't fit and then I hang them up and hope for a brighter day. Well some of those bright days are here and some of those clothes are starting to fit too bad some of them include shrugs- it may have taken a bit too long. So, the point, about 2 1/2 months ago I joined the weight watchers and have been going each week and staying for the meeting, blah, blah and it is working, I also feel happier and I have stopped referring to the weigh in lady as a Nazi. For the skinny reader, at a weight watcher meeting , everybody shares, people give advice, it is like chubby group therapy and I like it. If you know me, you know I have a gift to gab so I think they like my recipes and silly banter, etc. Today's meeting was about holiday parties, and one woman raised her hand completely concerned about three parties this week and what was she going to do, etc? the leader asked if anyone had any advice. My mouth opened and out it poured (I realize some people were born with this thing called a filter- I was not-it has been at times a good and a bad thing- never can predict which way it will go)- my words to the scared partier- "Get a great dress that makes you feel sexy and beautiful, focus on the friends, fun and the fact that you are so hot. The hot girl is not the one with powdered sugar on her shirt, she is the one who is bubbly, chatty and confident. The lonely girl is at home eating the spinach dip with the bread bowl, be the hot girl." I couldn't help myself. I know every thing we say in life is really for ourselves like the cop who says behave, is also telling himself to - you get it. So, I guess I needed to be reminded to be the hot girl. So I bought a red dress. I really did ask myself , in the past, "what would the hot girl do in this situation?" and now I realize I am that hot girl. Rock on! thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

so red it is....

I went to art school and dropped out after a year and a half and then went to a park, well that is another story to be told at another time. Art school was a pretty good experience and one class in particular always stands out- color theory. It was basically a class about how color effects you and how it effects each other. Like when you put a blue green paper on a blue piece of paper the blue will come together and the green will pop or how black paper makes everything pop on it because any light is bright on the dark, you get it. I notice the same thing with people. I think we are all made of all parts- good, bad, happy, sad, cruel, kind, etc. Each one of us just has a certain chemistry or mix at any given time that makes each one of us individuals. I am confusing myself as I type this, sorry...the point is I talked with a friend who complains all the time and noticed I started to complain about things that I could care less about and then I noticed I hung out with a friend who can be a bit bitchy and I started to well be bitchy. I don't think it is the other person making me any sort of way but like the paper the like colors come together. I realize we are all kind of works in progress and even Gandi probably had doubts and second guessed himself and wanted to be petty but he didn't let those thoughts win inside himself. I am just a person trying to live a life that contributes something good to this world, trying to learn, and enjoy the moment. I think the dark parts- like anger, fear, and bitterness are easier sometimes because they thrive in insecurities and to be honest I have had my share. I admit I am not completely on my A game yet (more about B+-B) and I am making daily choices to try to be a stronger and stronger person so my insecurities are falling away. Don't get me wrong I still feel like saying f*ck you sometimes, or being petty, however I want a challenge in this life because truthfully the f*ck yous and the petty parts are easy I hold them right in my mouth...the kindness, understanding, forgiveness parts are harder because I hold them in my heart and soul. Light stands out in the dark.....and I choose to wear red. Thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

Stop sending me your news...

so evidently some universes have screwed up and I keep having to read about Tiger Woods and his affair, accident and FIFTY FIVE MILLION dollar offer to his wife to stay with him for two years. I am changing my plan from getting in shape and becoming David Letterman's intern to becoming Swedish and marrying Tiger Woods for 55 million for two years, you know I would do it for 50 million. WHAT???? My first paying job in life was at the age of 13 (lied on my working papers) and I made $2.93/hr and when I worked a forty hour week during the summer I never broke $200. At 13,221 dollars per hour (the 55 million rate/2 yr) I may have completed college, hell I may have gone to grad school. I know, I get it, love and money are not the same thing. My first relationship in life, well my first everything, lasted for 6 years and I always thought we would get married and have kids, etc. We broke up right after my 22nd birthday after I found out he cheated on me with a bank teller. Yes, I was so crushed that I lost 9 pounds in a week and could barely function. We had a box of items that were mainly from the dollartree store that we were saving for our first apartment, I didn't want any of them. The last thing I remember doing was helping him pay a month of his car payment at no point was there an offer of $55 million dollars, I admit it knowing what I know now I would have stayed if there had been, hell I would have given him a kidney. My last relationship lasted for five years and we lived together and it ended when I was 32 (just yesterday), that one cost me a few thousand to finally get him packed up and on the road. There were tears, heart ache, and then dancing after the final door slam goodbye and again at no point a 55 million dollar offer. I am far from a gold digger believe me my standards have finally risen to employed and I believe love and respect can move mountains but you could probably move a few for 55 million, sorry I can't help saying it. The point is as I type this some comedian is giving their all for $25 or less, some person is cleaning toilets for $7.25/hr, and some woman/man is staying in a shitty relationship for nothing. I do dream of one day making a bunch more money than I do now and being in a relationship with someone who is loving, wonderful and successful, but I admit because of Tiger Woods I have found out my price. So if your question has the words 55 million dollars in it..... my answer is YES!!! Thank you for reading. xo, Vicki

your pedestal is made of butta

as it turns out everyone is equal. I used to do this terrible thing, well still doing it but realizing it faster so it does not last as long, I used to put people on pedestals and think that they were somehow more important and just more than myself. No, I know can you imagine a lady bug warrior feeling less than anyone well, yes I would meet someone and become impressed and think that this person's talent, intelligence, confidence, whatever....made them somehow more deserving, entitled and less accountable. I did it...I put them on a pedestal. AHHHHH.... it wasn't their fault, they didn't ask for it but I just made a decision to think of them as more than me or rather me less than them. Confidence is the great equalizer and turns out those pedestals were just made of butta (the LI version of butter) and these people are fine but no more or no less important than myself, (well maybe a hair less), because as Whitney say's " I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"- hope you sang along.
I spoke to a few of these people I second guessed myself to over this past holiday weekend and I laughed at how they have faults, frailties, insecurities, all of it, turns out they are just as human as I am. Pedestals are fine for my flowering Christmas Cactus however for anything else they are just made of butta. The moment I realized this I felt instantly funnier, smarter, sexier because I gave myself all of this love, respect, and entitlement that I was busy using to keep them on a pedestal. There are many people I admire- the guy who gave up his seat on the bus, the single mom who is busting her butt, the anonymous kidney donor. Thanks for reading, this is seeming a bit "Oprah lite" to me however it is just part of my journey so thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki
This was a quote that I had hanging on my wall in my NYC apartment and it is funny the more "real " my life gets the more I get this quote-

Nelson Mandela - Our Greatest Fear

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

And the fat lady said.....

So somehow two ladies live in my head, their is a fat lady and this thin lady. The fat lady is very friendly, giving to everyone, has verbal diarrhea, can't find her sex appeal and hasn't seen it since 1996, she is slightly sad and orders for imaginary people in a drive through at McDonalds. The thin lady is focused, healthy, shares what is needed, just bought some sexy panties, happy and kind to herself. Both of these ladies exist and it is a daily struggle who's voice is louder. As my goals become clearer, my body gets healthier the thin lady's voice is the one that wins. She is the one that encourages me, makes me first, and chooses to keep moving in a positive healthy direction. That fat lady is great too, she just wastes time thinking about what other people are doing and forgets that being really happy has nothing to do with what other people are doing , because life is not a contest it's a journey. As I type I think how dirty the word "fat" has become, my nephews are not aloud to say it, being called it is crushing and I have read poles that have said people rather be poor than fat. The fat lady in my head is not just literal, she is my less than best self, she is afraid, misguided and dependent on others to tell me I am alright. For me food has been a crutch, I don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs, but donuts well that's another story. When I feel good I treat myself well and that tends to effect the size of my bum. I also notice as my bum shrinks, I hug my family more, I say less to people who have pumped me for my entire soul, I feel strong and not just because I am a super hero but because I am being fair with myself. Today the thin lady won and though they both wear the exact same pair of jeans they both have a totally different walk. Walk tall, thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

the second before gravy

I am making this entry slightly Thanksgiving themed because, well it is in 2 days and always like to be seasonal. Whether you cook or not you will get it....when you make gravy and mix in your flour or cornstarch and continue to stir and then doubt whether you added enough stuff to thicken it and wonder if your turkey and potatoes will be naked at the table and then all of a sudden it comes together, gravy and the doubt runs away and then the confidence comes back and you knew there would be gravy all along. That is my life right now, the second before gravy. It is weird the things that can happen during that second: a pair of pants that never fit every time I took them out of my draw start to zip up and fit (almost legal for human eyes), people are starting to find me a bout touring this show I did (only faceless people in emails from towns I don't know), but still it could work out, my debt is going down (and then just to spite my efforts they charge me an annual fee). It is that moment where it could go either way and I could give up on my dreams or start to forget what they are.......no I want GRAVY!!! Gravy for me is creative satisfaction, monetary reward, and the confidence to trust the first voice that pops in to my head (believe me there are several sometimes I wish I had one of those deli number things in my head.) Gravy-----I wish for gravy and right now the low fat kind, I said my pants almost fit. Thanks for reading, Happy Thanksgiving!
xo, Vicki

What happened to '89?

So this week was a blur, it literally flew by. I was so busy (thankfully) and only a few clear moments stand out like "wow only 1000 more tea sandwiches to make", and "what a cute security guy", and "wow it's 4am already time to get up". I catered a bunch this week, taught one class and performed zero. So my savings account is happy and my soul is empty....no it isn't, not really. If some of you don't know I have a small catering business and I cook everything for my clients events. I am pretty good at it however the light fun part of me never comes out because my "is this perfect and tasty Martha Stewart" side takes over. I also think if the light fun part of me came out I would say all kinds of crazy things while working like when a lady spilled a drink on me the other night and her husband laughed instead of saying "no problem it happens", I probably would have said something like "I understand Miss we all have to drink to forget, this is your husband right?". I know Martha would never and neither would I, instead I asked the cute security guy to tackle him first if things get crazy. So November 2009 is almost over and so is the Oprah Show....in two years. How does time go by so fast? I can swear it was just 1989 and I was a mere tween well really a teen, I was trying to trim a couple of years off but due to that classmates.com, impossible. I blame that internet site for so much wrong doing, I never would have registered back in the day and in my early 20's if I knew that till the end of time you would know where and what year I graduated HS, oh well. Some clear signs show time has been flying by....like when I saw the "Sex in the City" movie and Candice Bergen's cameo I thought wow "she looks older" and then realized, wow I must be older to?, or when my practical more mature brain speaks up and says, "I'm sorry I can't have coffee so late it will keep me up and I have a busy day tomorrow", what? So as they say....time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future. If you have never heard that song you may have been born after 1989 and you are a child or 20, what? Thank you for reading and my apologies to all the English majors who read this. I think of writing as a collage, I write the words and then scatter all the punctuation marks and let them fall where they may. Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki

Goodfellas and the Prius

Here's the thing, I watched Goodfellas again yesterday, if you have no reference to that movie or what it is I am way to old for your eyes and stop reading now. There is a part of me that loves that movie and sees myself in it with the react only will load your body in the trunk and dig the hole attitude. I know you wouldn't guess that a women who bakes cupcakes and loves those dancing flower Prius commercials would also love the idea of vigilante justice. I am aware that Goodfellas is anything but vigilante justice , they are family who murder, deal drugs, and intimidate but they also live and react from their gut. I love that.
People always have a misconception, they think the guy with the piercings and tatoos or the women who is always screaming with her leather jacket are the tough ones, not true. I think the lady who bakes muffins, volunteers, feeds her neighbors cat and does the nice thing because you should is the tough one. It is like the junkyard dog a lot bark tends to mean very little bite and not wearing your strength as a shield probably means it is your core. How does this relate? Well in my life right now I am making some choices like, where should I live? can I afford certain relationships? what do I want and how do I make it happen? It has taken me a few years to get back to my inner strength and voice, it was always there I just forgot about it and I looked to other people to guide me on the right move or I looked at them as a barometer of where my life was, like a reflective property. As my confidence grows I realize again that my voice is the best one for me and my voice says "I am a ninja who bakes, tells jokes, volunteers, loves her family and is no ones bitch....anymore." The bitch part was for dramatic affect but basically true. Thanks for reading!
xo, Vicki

Broadway and tv.

When I was 14 I wanted a drafting table. I used to draw a lot, and paint and weld. I know weld, it's true I was the only female in my HS woods and metals classes. Art was how I said my pain, my joy, it was an outlet that I loved and I wanted a drafting table. I got my first job when I was twelve and always made my own money however since cabbage patch dolls (fourth grade) I never actually asked for anything specific - gift wise so I was positive I would get what I wanted, a drafting table. My parents were separated since I was twelve and when my dad came around I wasn't. I remember on my 15th birthday I got home from school and in my room was a television set with bootleg cable. I know I seem like a brat to have been disappointed but I was, I asked my mom "why a tv?". She told me my dad picked it out and she thought I would like it to. Soon after my dad fell off the wagon again and my mom actually enforced the restraining order. I did not see my dad again till my brother's college graduation two years later. My dad tried to kill himself my freshman year of college by drinking three bottles of rubbing alcohol and then when I was 22 the day after I opened an art gallery in NJ he called to tell me he had a brain tumor and was dying. My mom and I flew to Wisconsin (where he was living with some religious group), and we brought him back to NJ where he lived for 6 months and ten days, he was given 3-6 months to live and I always feel like, that was my stubborn dad the extra 10 days. His brain tumor was a fourth stage inoperable glioblastoma (tumor) and within ten days he went blind and then was in a wheel chair and would say confusing things all the time. Like he would tell me to get ready for my Broadway show and to lose weight and that my tv show was a hit. I was trying to run this art gallery and make it work and then see my dad at night so a Broadway show was not actually in the cards at that time or even a dream of mine. My dad died at the age of 56 and I now dream of being on Broadway and having a hit tv show. I kept that television when I moved out on my own and had my own home for 8 years and then when I moved to NYC 3 1/2 yrs ago it moved with me again. When I moved back to NJ a couple of months ago I did not bring the tv, it was kind of past it's expiration date. Yesterday, I thought about this as I was running through the woods making this spec commercial and started to laugh because maybe my dad was a f@ck up and maybe he also saw something in me I had yet to see in myself. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki
I have f@cked up from time to time and I think that is why they call my species of super hero human.

SABOTAGE!

Yes, well sabotage....I was teaching a cooking class the other night with four types of raviolis and cannolis needless to say I was not going to even start eating with the class because I knew I would eat one cannoli then ravioli and then spiral into being awake at 2 in the morning making funnel cake. My brain works that way, either very good or very bad. Since I have been doing points mildly successfully I knew to not even start, I told my class to enjoy as I cleaned up, they understood that I am on a mission but my assistant who is also on her own mission kept negotiating with herself like, "well I will let myself eat each ravioli" and "some hazelnut bark"- it did look beautiful I have to admit- and " I will have a cannoli if Vicki has one." NOOOOOO! I am not having a cannoli I don't care if you shame me I won't do it. That is when one of the students screamed out "SABOTAGE". I laughed and she was right, my assistant was unconsciously trying to sabotage me well more importantly herself. I know it because most times I do it to myself. SABOTAGE--- like when I feel like crap because someone tries to set my worth for me and then I eat like crap or waste time watching reality tv all day rather than living in reality or when something I thought would work out doesn't so I waste time obsessing over it. Sabotage. thanks for reading. xo Vicki
PS . I just bought pants two size smaller than I was before, what cannoli? No I don't think so.

so you want to be a rockstar

I went to see "where the Wild Things are" yesterday with my 8 year old nephew- side note- James Gandolfini looks great. My nephew Jack is the oldest of three and well when he was born I kept saying "I think he may be a genius"- he now reads a lot and is pretty smart- self fulfilling prophecy - who knows time will tell. I also said about my second nephew when he was born "looks like a drummer"- that one may be off. So on the drive back to his house he asked me "do all good singers become famous?'- oh my gosh does he read my mind like if I have talent and persistence will it all work out or am I just deluded and in need of picking up my discounted prescription from Walmart? ahh well again time will tell. So I took a breath and gave my answer, I am practicing doing that, taking a breath before answering questions like, "can I borrow money?" or "will you clean my bathroom?" , take a breath and then answer rather than commit to , well you get the point. So my answer- talent, tenacity, a bit of luck, a sugar daddy- (I took that one back), and desire may be what you need to be famous as a singer and even with all that you never know, realizing my answer was against everything I believe in I said you have to go for what you want in your heart until you get it or your heart changes it's mind. I then added some of the best singers are probably the ones who will never be heard they just enjoy singing and have never felt fame etc had anything to do with it. I then said most of the time I perform for no money and I have to make money from catering, etc in order to keep working for my goal and that one day (hopefully sooner than later) I will be paid enough that it will become my sole income. He then asked "well then why do you do it?" OMG- I know don't make me get real here- breath- "I do it because there is nothing better than being in a room full of people who connect with your train of thought and you can make them laugh, think, smile and escape. I also like the way you can say the most honest things and apologize for none of it." He got it- genius- I got it to, well I knew it- I just sometimes forget when my credit card bills come or you do a show and the host brings you up as a vagina or a crack head (these were female hosts- let's ban together ladies- for the greater good- shall we?). Since getting back from Scotland I vowed to only perform for fun and or money. That is harder than it sounds, granted I can have fun in a doctors waiting room- not always the case in comedy. I think fun and or money should be my blanket rule for everything- like should I talk to that person who is a real drag- breath- fun and or money? NO. thanks for reading. xo, Vicki
I know I am a perfect candidate for a Language Arts 101 class, so thanks for flowing with my flow. I felt a little hip hop there. happy week!

Celebrity Chefs and Beauty Pageant Contestants

I am on a mission, well a few different missions, one mission is money, which is to build my savings up and pay off any debt so I said "hey universe how bout making money?", well the universe answered and I have been super busy, YAY! I have been catering a lot, performing some, and teaching a bunch. This past weekend I cooked at the Food Network Food and Wine show in NYC and I was at the first real comfort food booth after a row of alcohol so needless to say each day I used up my box of 2000 toothpicks. One day I even had to break some in half, it was hard work but I loved it. I either work 1000 hours straight or am in vegetative state. When I work I work, I think this probably comes from the "you're fine unless your bleeding" rule I grew up with and even if I was bleeding at the show I threw on another pair of rubber gloves. I guess I always think everyone works like this. There were celebrity chefs there and a bunch of cameras and model like people and some just hard working chefs who worked and worked to make amazing food for the whole weekend. There was also this chef in a booth near me who , can I really say it?, was "worthless". I think I was pms-ing and over tired but being an ex beauty pageant contestant is not enough, stop flirting and having your picture taken with Fabio and cook. Wow, I hate when those nasty feelings come over me, I am always like, "where is this coming from?", "am I jealous she is pretty?", no, "am I envious she gets by by doing very little?', no I think my need to work hard is bigger than that. So what then, why did I feel the need to toy with the idea of asking "where is jon benet now?", I know cruel. We did make a mends at the end , I had a secret war she didn't even know. that tends to be my thing I work out my issue,examine my feelings, see how feeling that way is helping me, and then move on before the person ever knows. Wow, I am really evolved or really hate confrontation. That was beauty pageant how bout celebrity chef, well after the weekend I was teaching, cooking and chatting with Rachel Ray's people, I love to cook and if someone said "hey funny super hero girl, want a fun show where you can be creative, funny and make food?" I would say "of course, thank you, great." The thing is I make 95% of my money currently from food and the making of so time to time I go through the , "well maybe I will just open a little place and slowly build it, write a cook book and go from there." I don't mind wearing socks or a jacket anymore when it is cold, my signals I am maturing. I also think working smarter not harder and asking for help is a good thing, again signs of maturing. I just still have a dream to be on tv and film and make people laugh, I know not the practical route. I can't give it up and I think I am reminded, this could all be hoo- yee, all the time by signs, like last night I catered a wine tasting for forty. I stayed, poured, chatted and five people took my card, three for catering, one to see me perform, and one because her sister produces the today show and she loves to connect people and she liked me. I am taking that as a sign. I also don't think any one thing is "it", another sign of maturing, I think me moving steadily in a direction that is good for me is "it". Yes I do check once in a while this craigslist ad for this tiny cafe in western nj but I know my heart soars when I get to perform and never does that happen when I fill a cream puff. thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

so I wore a lady blazer.

I performed in a show on Saturday night at Eastville Comedy Club in NYC, it is a fun monthly show produced and hosted by Gerard Mignone and called "That time of the month", I wore a lady blazer. I have two ways of thinking in my brain, the first confident people look put together and care about their appearance and style, the second confident people don't give a f*ck and look how they want which could mean shitty if they feel like it. These are two completely different ways of thinking- oh brain let's get it together. (I like to include my internal monologue whenever possible and yes I am aware that no longer makes it internal but I can't help myself)
So right now I am wearing horizontal striped sweats (that I have slept in and never have been seen in by other than cat eyes or a food delivery person while I was also wearing a trench coat).
This past Saturday I made a slight effort (a little more than slight, I played home version of project runway), I hemmed these pants I found in my closet, the same ones I kept trying on in a rush and would always say "too long" and then put them back, I wore a shirt that was low cut, purple, and frilly and was also once a cute too short dress I bought and never wore (so I shortened it to shirt length), a lady blazer that was fit in a way that the show "What not to Wear" says to wear it, oh and four inch sexy heels. That was an effort. I felt good, confident, and I also said the words "lady blazer" 8 times during my 10 minute set, it was funny and not planned. I can do confident, I just can not do cool and confident. Cool is a trait I don't wear well, aloof forget about it, not in this lifetime.
When I lived on the Upper East side in Manhattan I would see these woman who had stone faces, Prada Shoes, and perfectly blown out hair. They seemed invincible but as I watched them, me wearing my rocket dog sneakers, I would chuckle thinking I bet if I went over and said "aren't those last season's shoes?" would they crumble and feel inadequate? Here's the thing I think everyone has their own deal, they are afraid they don't have enough money, too much fat, not enough brains, the right shoes. I always think of myself as building from the inside out and my outward appearance as my final frontier. So, then there is the lady blazer. Feeling great has nothing to do with what other people say or what the reflection in that store window you pass on the street looks like. I have been deflated a bunch of times thinking I look great only to catch myself in a Macy's window thinking "what was I thinking?". Enough that is only glass and the reflection of light or what ever I can't remember I haven't been in an art class in years. The point is strength is something that comes from inside and the lady blazer is just the accessory. I am headed to my first WWF weigh in and I think I followed the rules this week so I think it is starting to work. I understand your weight does not equal confidence but I do understand putting my energy towards treating myself well is the perfect breeding ground for an incredibly confident sassy lady, or man, but in my case lady! I ALSO THINK THAT IF , caps by accident, get down to my goal weight, I mean when I get down to my goal weight I will wear a string bikini everywhere, to make up for lost time and maybe a lady blazer. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki

the moment it happens.

So yesterday I had new head shots taken (thanks Wayne). Wayne Robinson has taken my first head shots two years ago and well I needed new ones and he takes great pictures that are sexy and fun. Here is the thing, I think we are the people we think we are in our top five words to describe ourselves- mine are currently: cute, smart, quirky, hilarious, and good. Sexy is not in the top five, not in the top ten well just joined the WWF on Monday so sexy may move up higher in the list soon.
Wayne told me a story about this fun sexy lady he shoots who is shy at first and then he notices the moment she catches herself in the mirror and realizes "ooh I look hot" she then ends up proudly seductive and mostly naked. I think the sentence works for everything, once we realize we can be, we are it and sometimes it just takes someone else or something else reflecting it to get it. That sounds confusing.. I went on this blind date a couple of months ago and being out of the dating loop a while I had a mix of vomit and excitement happening at the same time. I got ready and wore these super high heels that to me scream sexy (and whisper ouch) , the whole time I got ready and did my hair, make up, I said this mantra that were my blind date top five "I am sexy, beautiful, hilarious, adorable, and fun". It was playing in my head over and over just like before I go on stage I play "I am the funniest F*cking person in the room". I parked my car and headed to the restaurant to meet my blind date still playing my "I'm so hot mantra", I passed this construction worker who did a "hmmm", so I said "do you think I look alright I have a blind date?". He then said, "you look hot", OMG it worked my mantra worked, "I was hot". I felt so hot on my blind date that I thought "you may not be hot enough for me", OMG, I know maybe a little less-----no maybe a hotter blind date. The point is I think of that construction worker, in this case, as an angel sent to reconfirm my truth "I am hot" which I needed some reconfirming because I did not 100% know it at the time. So that is true for everything like "can I do this job? I'm not qualified." well once you believe you are qualified you have the job or "I think everything is going to be fine" and guess what then it is. I don't know that I believe in any one thing completely however I do believe we control who we are by who we think we are and whenever I say "things are shitty", they usually are. I think I decided that being a super hero was important because I need to remind myself on the outside that anything is possible. I notice people tell you who they are by the words they say like the lady who tells you that "everyone is a bitch" ends up you figure out later she is the bitch. The real point, new mantra: I am sexy, beautiful, successful, hilarious and a Lady Bug Warrior!
Thanks for reading. happy day!
xo,
Vicki

old friends and the WWF

I have to admit facebook has helped me find an old friend that I lost touch with eight years ago. I feel two ways about this internet, lying about your age is over- thanks classmates.com and I spend too much time learning things about people I don't even think about spending time with, why do I do it? I do think it is handy to look up "how to" of anything, like recipes my favorite is epicurious.com , I use it as a starting point for ideas very helpful. I also like to check my horoscope, only believing the good ones of course. I also joined the WWF the other day not the wresting federation just the weight watchers family, I am using their website to track my points etc, I am actually doing this for real not like another time I joined where I just ate crackers for three weeks and then crashed and burned quickly.
Due to the advance of the internet I have had full blown relationship with people in my head, from beginning to end. I will meet someone in real life, then google them then know everything, read their blog they made four years ago and forgot about, saw their little sister's wedding photos, found out they are a Republican and then we are over before we even began. It is funny I like to think that the universe has a plan but I can't believe the blue prints have been made by google. When I thought about writing this blog I thought, oh should I worry about what I write in case one day I become a senator? what, not happening. Then thought tell the truth, as I see it at the moment and who cares. So, boring or not my blog is all the truth. Oh yeah, so my old friend, his name is Tony and we met on a film we were both working on (wow 9 years ago) it was the same film set I met my last ex boyfriend on,oh well you take the good and then bad and there you have the facts of life. So, I had searched for Tony before, he moved to LA 8 1/2 years ago and well now he is on facebook so calling him later today. I also think he has been found in this universal plan to convince the tiny bit of fear in me to just move to LA already. He loves it and he was kind of my twin in a way, well at least in my mind. This blog entry was all over the place- to recap : internet good for some things, it is always fun to reconnect, WWF is going to work- day three, and have a great day!
Thank you for reading. xo, Vicki

So it feels like Fall is here!

When the crisp air of fall arrives and the leaves start to lose some green I always imagine that I own the "Shop around the corner" in "You've got Mail" and I am setting up the UWS store window with autumn leaves and bails of hay. Stop it delusion, you are living in the real present world, remember? Oh that's right.The real me fights the urge to go apple picking, because the reality of paying $42 for apples versus $1.29 a pound at Shoprite seems wrong. The real me fights the urge to make jam out of everything, why am I really an 80 year old woman in a young, vibrant, 30ish year old body sometimes, why?
When I was eight years old my parents had some friends over, two other families, both with moms, dads and two kids each. I had this idea that we should not have a regular dinner but make our house a restaurant. This is one of the reasons why I loved of my Dad, he said, "sure why not?"
So I put a sign on the door that read "The Ferentinos Inn" and I made small menus that had the only things my dad made pizza bagels, shake-n-bake chicken, tuna melts, and spaghetti. I wore an apron and ran around taking orders and delivering food on paper plates. My brother and I always laugh about it now, considering we laugh about everything from our childhood now even the crazy stuff. We figure we survived so let's celebrate. The thing that always makes us laugh, is the fact that no one questioned why we had a fake restaurant and the fact that I was taking it very seriously at the time. Keeping water glasses filled and getting food delivered on time was priority. Once in a while I think , maybe I should open a real restaurant? I mean I have very small catering business that I run to support my dream of "world domination" and I cook pretty well www.soulfullygood.com but, actually I am alright with just the memory of the "Ferentinos Inn" being my only restaurant with my Dad cooking, my Mom confused and my brother and I laughing!
Happy Autumn, thanks for reading...xo, Vicki

a few lists...

When my life seems to be moving I make lists, usually on scraps of paper and sometimes in journals. From as basic as the grocery list to my long term life goals- I try to complete what is on my list. I once made a list on what I wanted in a guy, it started out the basics- intelligent, employed, kind and then became three pages long with specifics like: tells hostess "table for two" yet not controlling, will get up at baseball game to get snacks, that list may have gone too far.
So here goes my first blog list, please feel free to add a comment with your own list or wish. It will also let me know that people are actually reading this. I am thinking that government health care may not happen yet so, being uninsured, I think of this as free therapy.

MY WISH LIST- (I give myself up to 3 months or three years)- this list is in no specific order:

Do laundry (this is immediate)
Trust instincts more (always ends up true just sometimes self doubt sabotages- oh silly girl)
Smile it will all be great (remember it is all great)!
Eat more fruits and vegetable (either really good or really bad at it)
Email more clubs to do more road work.
Buy Cute jacket ( I am thinking red)
Sign with a legit agent
Great love (the one that should just find me when I don't look for it)
Fun love (the stuff that can keep me busy in the mean time)
Dress for me and have fun, no more plain jane!
In the moment right before something great happens hold on and don't doubt it!
Go to the eye doctor (I think I may need glasses or may have googled too much)
Stop any thoughts of people who live in drama (my list is too long to waste time)
Always feel pretty or fake it (until it works)
Always feel sexy or fake it (until it works)
Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the others gold (sorry girl scouts)
Sweat more (turns out my adrenal glands work so faster on that treadmill)
Lose my stubborn unwanted belly fat (I now have sparkling personality so job done belly fat)
Figure out where I really want to move to (this is a three month not three year plan)
Spend less on ??? (I don't know sometimes I feel like it disappears, money where are you?)
Make the world better (contribute more to the greater good)
Take my vitamins everyday (am pretty good just skip a day or two)
Buy cuter underwear and matching bras (I used to do that and well I need my sexy back)
To finish the screen play I am writing, go to Hollywood and make it (Just like Rocky)
Have my own tv show (I am thinking the Vicki Burnett Show)
Get a really good skin care regimen down (I tend to go through phases and buy new stuff often)
Buy a sexy red dress that I can act surprised in when people notice, "Oh this old thing?"
To live on the beach (I love watching the ocean)

That is it for right now, thanks for reading and please add your own wishes. You won't have to forward it to seven people in the next thirty seconds to make something magical happen at exactly 11:59 tonight- I secretly feel slight passing anger at friends who forward those to me, do what I do forward them to email addresses that you make up on the spot- like john1425@hotmail- how bout making new friends?. xo, Vicki

Mr. Big led me a stray.......

Here is the thing I can watch the same "Sex and the city" re-run a million times and if I look at the date it was first aired dis-belief comes over my face. Ahhh, I have to say my final goodbye to my own personal not that hot Mr. Big.
I am not sure if anyone is reading this however I think of it as a personal journal that I ramble a lot in. I recently ran my new one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" in Scotland for the month and will be tweaking it and doing it in NYC and LA (more info to follow). My show was my life, of how I lost myself and then found myself and ended up a super hero. It includes my dad, mom, first crush, mentions or includes the three serious (not always serious but long term relationships I had each 3+ yrs) and some other people who led me on my way for the good or the bad of it. That being said it is funny how I neglected to include my "not that hot" Mr Big.
I have to say this entry is fueled by the fact that I just watched "He is just not that into You" while on the treadmill (yay, my good voice won today!). So I decided I have to let him go for real, and realize he was never Mr Big (a fictional character who gave hope to the idea of - "what if true love brings us back together", eventually).
Here is my personal Serendipity (yes referencing that John Cusack movie which also helped foster some of my delusion)-
I grew up in New Jersey and my first love and HS boyfriend was a guy named Mike who was kind of a cheap version of Vanilla Ice- but he was my first everything and coming from a wacky home (both of us) we fit together and he became my best friend and boyfriend. When it was time to go to college, I cried the day I got into Mason Gross, the Art school at Rutgers, because I knew it was where I had to go. I had to stay in NJ because of the money.Mike and I stayed together, he was a year older and had dropped out of college and was living in NJ as well so that part was fine. I went off to my dorm in New Brunswick and day two met this guy named Rich who I immediately clicked with because we had the similar sense of humor and I was this super sassy 18yr old and he dug it. He also had a girlfriend and knew I had a boyfriend which made it easy so we can be silly flirty friends and not worry about it. Weeks went by and we hung out all the time (both of our bf/gf were back at their homes). we laughed, were flirty and never crossed the line. One day Rich shows up, after a weekend visiting his girlfriend, to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend and he loved me and if I wanted to get married he would marry me. WHAT???? He was ruining everything, I was torn. He was this guy I would hang with who made me be my best self well not made me but I would be. But, I was a good girl so I said, "I'm sorry I can't break up with Mike". Rich was crushed and our friendship got weird fast. We both dealt with it shitty and the next year I left school, with several notes, a video, and a wonder in my heart "did I make the wrong choice?" Rich and I lost touch, and Mike and I stayed together for four more years, I opened an art gallery, then my father became ill and past away and then six months later Mike slept with a bank teller. I was shocked, upset, and it was over. Soon after, for fun I started dating this hot body builder named John who was not the one but was a lot of fun. This gallery I opened was 5 minutes from Rich's parents house and I had an art opening of this Portugeuse artist (Rich is Porteguese). I thought of him again called his parents and left a message with his mom. Five minutes later my phone rang, it was Rich, he sounded shocked and excited. We met the next night for dinner and it was the same, except my heart was free and his was taken. He was living with this woman from Equador who was a grad student and they were planning on getting married. The next day he sent me flowers, and the insanity started again. I told John right away I could not see him again, feeling that was the right thing to do. Rich and I saw each other a few more times and he was torn and committed and I got that so I pulled myself out of the running. He got married and I went back with John. Shorty after I made a bunch of money and bought a little house in NW NJ and then shortly after broke up with John. A year goes by and I start dating Eben who is kind of a cool at first guy but ends up as someone I wished could be removed from my life like a relationship that,well kind of sucker punched my self esteem. We stayed together for five years, I tried to break it off a few times but we lived together and that is much harder than just dating. Feeling like shit one night, with Eben in the next room, I googled Rich and up comes a quote from that book "He is just not that into you" from him. OMG!!! He says "He has stayed in relationships that he was over because it was easier than breaking up". OMG!!! I find his email on line somewhere and send a brief, hello, hope you are great. Sure you have cute kids.blah, blah. Five minutes later I get an email back, pls call me tomorrow and his number. OMG!! The next day, even though Eben was a shit, I felt guilty so I drove to a food store parking lot to make the call. I dialed, Rich answered, same connection. I pretended to be in love and super happy (oh ego). He said little just asked me a ton of questions about my life. We spoke a few more times. He wanted to see me, but you see I felt like crap- was in a crappy place and was embarrassed to see him. I refused. Shortly after, I reach my breaking point and insist Eben leave. I pack up his stuff, and through tears he drives away. It is so weird it seems like the shitty relationships are harder to end. I am single a couple months and start feeling better. I get a job to work in this town I have never been , look cute and have had a great blow out (cute hair). I pull in this parking lot to have lunch at this place that looks cute and I feel like , Rich is going to be here, based on nothing what so ever, just a feeling. I park the car, head in and I see Rich at a table on the second level. I freak out and immediately head to the bathroom. I call every friend and no one is there. I make myself leave the rest room and sit at a table. I call the waitress over and ask her to send him a chocolate milkshake. Five minutes later, he is sitting in front of me, both of us in shock. He says, I have to go back to work, but have to meet you later , when ?Where? We meet later at a Starbucks and I find out Rich got divorced three years prior and he knew I was living with someone because he had called 2 years ago. I told him I just sold my house and was going to move to NYC or LA, he told me at the end of the month he was moving out of NYC. He also said he had a girlfriend and she was nice and caring and blah blah. I moved to NYC the day after Rich moved out. We had dinner once two weeks later and it was difficult. I tried to be light and fun and he was someone who seemed like life had tumbled a bit too much. I still wanted him, he was with someone new. We didn't speak but a year later I googled him again and his Kohl's wedding #2 registry came up. He got married again two years ago and up until recently he was my facebook friend (had to delete him). I always thought of great love as having this incredible story, like a movie or something.
I feel like I have paid any karmic debt of rejecting him the first time. I would say one broken heart gets canceled out by two weddings. Wow, this was a long tale of nothing really, I have probably thought of this story a dozen more times than the amount of time I actually have ever seen him. I am kind of in a point in my life that is "rock bottom real"- like I can't afford any emotional bologna to waste any more time, I can't afford these thighs anymore- they have served me well, however treadmill take them away. I also cannot be distracted by what anyone else is doing or pursuing- I have my own dreams and I need to implement them. Life is funny sometimes, I can distract myself with so many different things, and I don't just mean Bravo tv marathons- oh Nene! I am closing this story for good finally in my head. I am also challenging myself to finally get in shape, pay off any debt, move to a place which will further my dreams and aid in my happiness. Alright the timer is set.....Go!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

I know I have this prejudice.....

So Ivanka Trump is getting married, nothing I feel nothing about it. My mother tends to read the newspaper aloud and so I now know about Ivanka and her country club wedding that used to be $250,000 to join and is now $150,000- Oh recession. I noticed a prejudice I had a few years ago and I am trying to get past it and figure out the root of it.
You see I like the Seinfeld show and I especially liked Elaine and when I found out that Julia Louis- Dreyfus's father was a billionaire I didn't think her dance was as funny. I know it is wrong as I said, I am admitting the problem and trying to deal with it. I admit it- "I don't count people's accomplishments who come from money as high as people who don't".
Here's my theory, could be totally wrong and no one may be reading it anyway, so here goes we are told who we are from birth. So if you are a Prince or an Heiress you probably don't have the inclination at age 12 to bag groceries, you feel above that not even above it, it is not even in your thought process nor should it be. People always say money does not buy happiness, true but I rather be a child in a shitty situation with a bowling alley than just a child in a shitty situation. This is seeming bitter...I think I have said it wrong, I like a story, I think people who have lived life appreciate joy more and feel empathy a little bit more.
So, how does this effect my daily life, well I made a new friend and I found out his parents bought him his giant NYC apartment and his family's company has him on the payroll, I know him and he is a nice guy- lucky him right. Here is when it gets sticky, he has tantrums and does not understand why people don't immediately respond to his emails- which I want to say well they are probably at work. I noticed success in the arts takes a few things- talent (hopefully), and tenacity. Sometimes it is difficult to afford tenacity and being on your family's payroll helps.
The reason why I want to get past this prejudice and figure it out- I am single, no way you are adorable, I know. Well single none the less, and I used to date men who had stories, who also tended to be socially retarded and I thought I had the insight to understand them because of their troubled tales. I have spent a few years shedding my troubled tales, figuring them out, figuring myself out, and to meet a guy who still wears his battle scars of life is exhausting and been there done that. I want to meet a guy who maybe had a happy childhood and still values hard work. Wow, or even a guy who just gets it and at least realizes his hang ups were cause and effect. I had one crush since moving to NYC and this guy is a comic and he had this crazy childhood (the old me intrigued), he would also wrestle me on the street and flirt like a 12 year old (the old me -wow I understand he never learned how to communicate with adult women). So in summation, I welcome a man who came from money, I will not think less of you. I also want to be incredibly successful, tv, film, etc and want children one day and that means they will come from money so I will try not to think any less of them either. Congratulations Ivanka (wow I am really getting over it)! Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

My truth about 9/11...........

So I tried to begin this blog four different ways one with a phrase that sounded religious, the other very patriotic, the truth is today is a date we will never forget. It was heart wrenching, scary, shocking, and seemed to create this fog, at least in my head for a while.
Maybe I lived in a bubble but up until 9/11 I never thought of any fear that was in our country just in my own personal world, like my home growing up or when I got in a car accident when I was 18. I never thought of our country as a place that anything happened I felt like "I am proud to be an American because at least I know I'm free" (cue Neil Diamond song). I only thought of this country as, I'll say it "the greatest country in the world", because anything is possible.
After the initial shock, there was anger and fear (understandably). I find anger and fear to be my two worst emotions because I make the worst choices and get the worst results. In anger and fear we look for the loudest voice to guide us and feeding us more anger and fear we'll let you do anything (Bush twice). We had a color terror alert system. A bar graph that told us daily how afraid we should be. You get the point.
At that time I was living in NJ in a cute quiet town on a lake with my boyfriend at the time. He moved in about six months prior and we were relatively happy (no we weren't I was lonely and he seemed interesting and I knew deep down wrong guy and I am sure he knew wrong girl). So we both worked freelance, I had a glassware business and he worked as a sound mixer on tv and film. Shortly after 9/11 our incomes stopped, there was little filming happening in NY and my main client was a casino in Vegas and people were not traveling so no orders. I went into deeper panic mode and got five jobs, he went into "woa what should we do" the pot probably didn't help his motivation. Now I can't figure out why I got five shitty jobs rather than one decent one, it just made sense at the time when not much made sense. My first job of the day started at 6am where I worked at a bagel shop in town and yes though I swore it would not happen I quickly knew everyones coffee order. I knew no ones name but I knew "hi, large light and sweet, toasted sesame with butter". It was crazy this is the stuff that filled my head. I also worked feeding this women's 18 cats and charting how much food they eat, twice a day. She was there when I was but she needed help charting there food intake. I am not sure why but for $20 a day it somehow made sense to me. I worked at night as a telemarketer for a chiropractor. I would call people and give them free Chinese food if they would listen while eating about this chiropractor. That seems so silly now, but back then I was afraid. Afraid I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage, afraid I would be alone if I made this troll leave (that's not nice), afraid. I don't attribute any one thing to losing myself just knew that hiding food wrappers under my car seat from myself made sense. I got stuck, I wore sweat pants as clothing, I'll admit it I stayed in a verbally abusive relationship for four more years, because if you feel worthless you get worthless.
I didn't lose anyone immediately close to me on 9/11 and my heart goes out to the families, friends, etc who did. I just know, for me, the few years following were pretty fearful and numb.
Thank you for reading and love, Vicki, finally unafraid! Lady Bug Warrior

A few years before straightedge...

I was in NYC last night and performed a wee bit (Scotland flashback) and then saw some friends at a bar next door. Here is the thing I always feel embarrassed to say it and try to change this statement on occasion but for the most part (duh duh duh) I don't drink. I know I always feel the urge to make excuses for it like, I am really bad at it, long day, not tonight. But the truth is I have had about three drinks this year and did not finish any of them. On occasion I convince myself well maybe you'll love it but the truth is I never do I go in like "yeah ok something fruity" and then five sips and I am buzzed and feel the urge to abandon my drink on the corner of the bar discreetly.
Maybe it is a control thing, kind of like the way I hate to fly, if they would just let me in the cock pit I would probably be calmer. It started early I mean typical comic story my dad was an alcoholic, not just any alcoholic I mean it was his career. His career being all he did was drink.... anything: vanilla extract, cough syrup, rubbing alcohol (not advised he went into a comma my freshman yr of college but recovered), and anything he could get his hands on that had any bit of alcohol in it. I saw a man be two people a sober funny loving dad (18%) and the scariest person I ever met who destroyed our family and himself (82%). He died of a brain tumor when I was 22 and I changed his diapers at the end and fed him chocolate ice cream. That is when I realized this man was searching for peace and his only way to get it was to leave this life, and so he did. So that was my earliest impression of alcohol.
My teen years I was rebellious and had my own mind but I never drank or did any drugs. I never developed a liking for it so by the time social drinking came around I was not really interested or good at it. I am not against it just never think about it. I do think frozen strawberry magaritas are yummy, or mojitos or proseco but never do I think about it, I think more "wow if I order french fries with cheese and gravy and not eat lunch or dinner does that equal out". If alcohol was chocolate I would be dead by now. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

So I may have eaten 12 doughnuts......

Well, I tend to be a women who says "what did I learn from this situation? and how can I change it for next time?" as I inhale an entire pizza secretly in a dark corner. So needless to say those coping skills have added to some stubborn unwanted belly fat. Trying to pursue my dream of ruling the world, this extra weight is just weighing me down so it has to go. Which means I have to be honest with some of the closest of relationships in my life. OMG. I know it seems easy considering I tell perfect strangers my most embarrassing moments in life on stage you think it would be easy to say to someone I love, you really hurt my feelings or I don't think that is fair. You see I was raised knowing one truth, if you are not bleeding you are fine, go back outside.
Well yesterday I may have eaten one dozen Entemann's mini donuts, alright no may, I did it. The night before I heard a loved one trash talking me on the phone well maybe not fully trash talking but just being petty and instead of saying a word I woke up with dried chocolate glaze on my neck. That was as sad as it sounded. So today in order to avoid any drive-thrus (my personal favorite, why do they even have a place to sit, it should just be a giant place with multiple lanes and a bathroom), I decided to confront my loved one. Confrontation (wow I must be maturing) has not always been my strong suit and in the past whenever I do it I stop in the middle and say out loud, "wow I can't believe I am standing up for myself" which sometimes negates everything I just said the prior minutes. Well, not today I said my truth and they got it and we made a mends which made the clouds part and daisies spout, not really but I didn't feel the urge to add chocolate syrup to my coffee which seemed completely logical prior to our chat. I am also (thanks Wayne) having some new head shots taken next week and having a french fry stuck to my face is not what I am going for. I am a super hero, just like everyone else, I just forget it once in a while. Keep fighting the good fight which means "NO I don't want any ice cream". Yes I believe we are beautiful and sexy any way we are I just want to feel as sexy as the nail polish name I am wearing which happens to be called "hot whore". Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Figuring out my life oh and 12 doughnuts and a can of pringles

I decided to give up my apartment in NYC in order to go and do the Edinburgh Fringe festival, so I packed up all my stuff and moved to NJ to the house I grew up in and live (temporarily) with my Mom. Well the first little bit before I left for Scotland was pretty great, focused on my show, saved money on rent and put off thinking about the entire rest of my life because I was focused on Scotland. So I went to Scotland for the month- you can see prior posts to see how that went (it went well). I came back and am now starting week 2 of "you better figure your life out soon Vicki" , my internal monologue.
You see, I did not grow up in the house that was filled with the smell of cookies as I opened the front door after a long day at school. I grew up in the house that I plotted to escape since the age of 12 (when I got my first job and my first taste of money=freedom). So now being in my 30's and moving home for the first time since I left over a decade ago is well a sure fire ego out the window move. I am thankful and starting to save (sort of).
Besides the money thing, it is the "where do I want to live?" element. I moved to NYC three years ago and loved it, I skipped I felt like the Mary Tyler Moore Theme song played everywhere I went, I found me. But the last six months of living in NYC, I realized my money was vanishing my spirit was breaking and my heart well kind of on auto pilot. So, I started to look at my wish list and doing my one person show was on it so I wrote it and started to perform it, now starting to figure out perfecting it and finding a new home for myself.
My thoughts......Astoria, Brooklyn, LA......a farm in the middle of no where???? If I were completely honest I kind of know LA is next, I just would have to have the funds, confidence and fully healthy happy self to start over again. I think LA because in my head I make these rules that are based on no fact what so ever like- rule: I learn in NYC and do in LA, rule: when I am a fully happy and open , love will find me I don't have to look for it, rule: people who seem mean are really weak and people who are kind are super strong. So, LA may win, just have to stay in NJ for a few months to amass a fortune that will be enough for a one bedroom apartment and a little car (not too hard). Just waiting for another person from craigslist to show up and buy some more of my furniture----trying to get down to four boxes of belongings , no matter where I move to, do not want to rent another U-haul. xo

I am back and admit I am a bad blogger in foreign countries

So, I am back, actually came home two nights ago. Edinburgh was a magical experience, I know magical is a big word but it was it made me more confident, think a bit and feel like this is a great big world out there filled with people who are all pretty similar. I walked past a beautiful castle everyday and had coffee surrounded by people with lovely accents.
So the down sides- cost a bunch of monies (knew that going in), sometimes late at night the city seemed like it was filled with youth that were one beer away from fight club, had one terrible review "called me a wanker" that for about a day and a half made my sould die a little bit, I handed out over 6000 postcards during this time and thought "wow I should do this for a living".
The up sides- I lived in Scotland for a month and visited Rosselyn Chapel (from the Divinci Code), met amazing people, performed my show straight for three weeks and people got it- laughed, hugged me and had fun, I also formed friendships that will hopefully stick with talented wonderful people, I saw the Chippendales (I have been single a while and started thinking, are my lady parts broken?)- well thanks Chippendales they are not!, I left for Scotland at a cross roads and feel like I now know what I need to do next, and I did have some amazing reviews that reinforce most people get it.
I think I will blog more frequently now so if you are reading this, thanks.
xo.

Show 2- YAY- FUN!

Thank you to anyone who is reading this and encouraging me. Show night two was great, 13 people and it was very very fun! I decided to let it all hang out tonight, I handed out chocolates as people came in and I decided to rip their tickets. I went right up and told people to relax and have fun and though I appreciate their respect they should except I am a quirky American and enjoy the ride....and so they did! Today I perform in an outdoor stage then in a contest for funnniest female in UK- what? I don't know I am doing 5 minutes. Till tomorrow.
xo

The Day After the First Show

So last night I did my first Edinburgh show and well it was just as many things are an experience. I kind of love things that make me get better like I tend to respond better to the you can't do this response better than the you are amazing. I think I am just a natural underdog. Last night ten people came to the show, which was fine was not sure if any would attend- so ten was great for first night. The majority were German men. The funny part about that was I kept thinking "oh no I am red and black and a warrior but not heil- I hope they are not dissapointed. The show was moving along and the ten smiling and silent finally in the middle of the show I couldn't take it anymore and said, "Is everyone still breathing, has anyone fallen asleep?". Everyone smiled chuckled and then was a bit more relaxed. I think tonight I am changing it up a bit. I am currently sitting at Fringe Central wearing my cape waiting for a "meet the press event". All day long I walk the streets saying hello I am a super hero from NYC which seems obvious, well at least to me. I am having fun saw a show after mine last night a serious britsh theatre piece and the room was packed and silent so I feel fine. Till tonight again!!!! thanks for reading-xo, Vicki

Shiow Time- Day 5

Day 5- SHOW TIME----
Okay just to quickly add on to my first entry this woman Nancy also managed to raise over 2 million pounds and open 2 children's hospices. Done- you get it amazing people, fortunate to have met them.
So it's show time---- the city is packed with people but being from NYC just seems like people in time square with no car horns and people say hi back to me, I am so used to speaking with out a response sometimes that this is so refreshing and surprising at the same time. So my first show is tonight, unsure if two or a ton of people will come. I know some judges from Amnesty International are coming- they give out this Spirit award- which makes me think We've got spirit yes we do, we've got spirit how bout you?- just a bit of cheerleader envy flashback. I am not sure if my show will fit the spirit award however I do remember being 14 with my best friend Allison at an Amenesty International concert and having Bill (an old frind who is now the friend on Tori and Dean who just married his partner- small world) teaching us how to smoke cigarettes for the first time. I will try to keep that story to myself tonight. I am not sure if anyone is reading this however I am having fun, walking a TON so feeling truly lighter in my super hero cape. I will check in tomorrow to let you know how the first show goes. Sunday I get five minutes to compete for Britian's funniest female. Go Vicki Go! sorry my internal monologe.
xo, Vicki

My first Edinburgh Entry

The Adventure began two days ago........
I came to Edinburgh two days ago to do the fringe festival which starts on Friday. I came with no real knowledge of too much just excitement, 5000 postcards, a show and the belief that it would all work out for the best. So far, I have checked out my location, it is nice and I have my tech rehearsal tomorrow so I am sure all should be fine, I have handed out a bunch of postcards and hung maybe 50 posters so far. People of Edinburgh are incredibley nice, me- "Hi, I have never been here before, my first show is Friday, may I hang a poster in your window" them- "welcome, of course, find a good spot, here I'll help." I know, I know, I love it. So, I also am staying with the most amazing people in the world I don't mean like, gee they are amazing to me, they are great to me, I mean they are amazing, I know because I watched their movie last night. This amazing woman Nancy had a son in her early forties after going blind, then her son at two has a metabolic disease which leaves him home bound, and fully dependant on her, than her husband dies of a heart attack, she continues to care for her son fully blind on her own then a few years later an incredible social worker named Jack comes to visit falls in love with Nancy and Daniel and they marry. That was when Daniel was 11, he passed away this March at the age of 31. I woke up this morning and told Jack I thought he was Sir William Wallace of Brave Heart. Sometimes, my mouth just goes. So my homelife here amazing, oh and yes today Nancy with her seeing eye dog Nathan handed out my Lady Bug Warrior postcards. The city is great, I am looking forward to wearing my cape on the streets tomorrow. I feel like I am not sure what will happen the rest of the 26 days however the first two were pretty great. Thank you to everyone- my friends, family, new friends and everyone else. Til tomorrow...I am a wee bit sleepy.