and then I counted to 10...

So this Holiday season has been thankfully very busy, I have been cooking, baking, serving, delivering and teaching as much as I possibly can. Yesterday was a double duty day, I was teaching a kids cooking class and then heading to a dinner party that I was cooking and serving in NYC. When you work in the food business, holidays creep up on you like, "oh tomorrow's Christmas". I have baked over 1000 cookies in the last week and fed at least 500 people, so my body was ready for a rest and yesterday morning it came to a halt. I showed up to teach my class and the place forgot about it, which put me in scrambles, rushing around, getting ingredients, clearing space, etc. My heart started to beat rapidly, my hands and feet numbed and I knew any second I was going to be "that lady", "that lady who passed out at my 11th cooking Birthday party". I didn't want to do it, I gave myself that "come on Vicki pull it together- you just need to make it through the next two hours without dying". I made it through, out to the car, on to my cell phone and forced my sister-in-law (who is a nurse) to chat with me for the car ride home. The whole, being an entrepreneur, an artist, a what ever puts me in a position of not having health insurance and not having an option of not being healthy. Yesterday, however I had to face my fear and go to a doctor and deal with it, for no other reason than the fact that I had a dinner party that night as well to cook for. My brother Charles, is a good guy, he is one of the best I know, despite the whole Republican thing, he does the right thing for his family, friends, humanity. He and his wife showed up for me yesterday and loaded me up and than as I was at the doctor he sat with his etiquette book reading about proper table service, etc. He realized when I told him I was going to the doctor (after never ever going) he may have to step in for me last night.The doctor took my blood pressure, normal chit chat and then we talked about panic attacks and he gave me some pills that I should take in case it happens again. My brother came with me last night and helped serve, he did a great job. These last couple months I have been figuring out my life, saving, etc and the more I think about it I don't need to find me, I know me. I love my family, being creative, people, cooking, laughing, writing and just living a life I am proud of. Lately I have been looking at spots to open a store front for "Soulfully Good" my catering business. I know this will be a shock to those who thought "super stardom" was the obvious next step but if I am being honest with myself, this makes me happy the thought of making 12 kinds of scones in the morning and making stain glass cookies to fill my windows and most of all maybe working with my family some times. I know it does not seem cool to say, but I like my family. I would like to get married one day and have some kidlets and I think not being afraid means just being true and good to yourself no matter what that means. I still don't know the exact next move but I do know I (without panic attack) am excited about it.
HAPPY EVERYTHING!!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

fa la la la la la la la la......

as I peel that tape off my finger tips and embrace my crafty self. I love them, I like the whole thing, paper, crayons, hot glue guns, there is a messy Martha Stewart that lives in me and she can not be denied. This year I decided to buy gifts based on everyones names like my nephew Jack gets four gifts - all wrapped in brown- each one decorated with colorful letters I made -J-A-C-K. so you get it. This is the conversation I have with myself-
"Vicki, this is out of control, why am you cutting out all these snowflakes? because I want to and it makes me happy. Really? do you really need to hand make bows? yes, they look pretty. they do". Lately I have embraced the side of me that is completely truthful, by truthful I mean honest and kind. There was a time, not that long ago, where I thought living in a glitter snow globe was real and somehow helpful in my life. Yes, I like crafts but delinquent bills cut into confetti does not mean I just had a great party in my apartment but instead means my lights are about to be turned off. So, I slapped myself with some truth and turns out it is slowly but surely working, my debt is nearly gone, my arse is slowly but surely getting smaller, and I am open to real life love (no more crazy inventive sagas in my head). Wow, so what next? Well, that's just it, anything is still possible. I have been enjoying cooking, teaching, performing and mostly just being open to the next thing that moves me. I have something in the works, will keep you posted when something more tangible forms because for me I don't need a glitter cloud just some sparkling earrings. I know you are like, "you are the lady bug warrior". Turns out I don't need an invisible helicopter, just a "can do attitude", a smile, some elbow grease, confidence and a little bit of luck. Happy Holidays, thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

what you talkin' bout Willis?

That Arnold, oh such a card. I realize I am a single woman, in my 30's, with a couple of cats, temporarily staying with my Mom, unsure of the exact next step of my life, an optimist, a sometimes silly but spiritual person, not afraid to fail, likes to be chatty but also quiet, can cook you under the table and may have made a giant gingerbread house with my nephews that looked exactly like the house they live in- however it still stings a tinge to not be one of the cool kids.
Last night I performed in a show that followed another show and the room was packed. I walked in feeling cute and also slightly nervous having not performed in two weeks and also noting the rooms average age, a good guess, 24. I knew a few people said hello, and the standard greetings, and then saw some cool kids, the ones that kind of look you up and down, add up your function in their lives and respond accordingly or not at all. I never worried about fitting in, I think coming from a wacky house I just wanted to appear "normal" what ever that was and by the time my preteen angst came about I "walked to the beat of my own drum", a favorite phrase my mother likes to use to describe me after telling people my brother is a CPA. So, cool to me is being aloof- a quality that I was spared, they were like give her thighs but keep aloof so I am terrible at it. However, when ever my nerves get to me and I absorb some of that vacuumis energy I become this person who fakes "normal" like the wall to the real me comes up and I try to play the aloof cool game which for me comes off as slightly retarded. It seems like I always take 4 steps forward, three steps back and yes you guessed it cha-cha-cha. No really I am always learning a bit more, feel more confident, blah, blah, blah and then retreat slightly. So what's the answer? Be cooler, NO, laser shoot these people in my mind, NO, maybe, NO, just keep going, doing my thing and realize the cool guy from HS is now selling insurance and has a beer belly. But, I hate that answer, like the "I think less of you to think more of me" because I am really an uncool cool. So, I decided to just keep refocusing, doing my thing, and maybe not wearing trouser socks to the next "cool" event. The people who were in the show I was in, were not aloof and were very fun, we were just out numbered. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki
PS- I did run yesterday- #365- and I lived, and still question the sanity of runners, sorry may try again. #364 challenge- still unknown- but I will do it before midnight tonight and will update tomorrow. Please, even anonymously, leave me some comments with "never have" challenges for me, my brain is still frozen on "slightly retarded".
*** the word retarded is used in this blog to describe actions that say exactly how I feel and in no way reflect anyone who has any learning challenges.

365 days till.......

First I have to admit I am fully aware that this blogging thing is a self indulgent thing for me with that being said more about me. Stop it, no really that being said I have decided to take on a personal challenge for the next 365 days, why you ask? what kind of challenge? Well back ground for anyone who is wondering, flash back 4 years 3 months ago - I was living in Sparta, NJ, a cute town on a little lake, living with a mean little man who was as shitty as I felt, and trying my darndest to make ends meet, unhappy and no idea how to change it. Flash back 3 1/2 years ago, sold my house, killed the troll (not really just made him leave), and moved to NYC, made a list of things to do because I really had no idea what made me happy. List read: Punk rock guitar player, glassblower, perform something....that was the start. So each week I dragged my newly bought guitar to lessons, I took a few trains to Brooklyn to learn to blow glass, and I started taking improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Then CBGB's closed- I gave up on the punk rock dream, had fun blowing glass but not my medium, and discovered stand-up comedy and love it!!! So flashing back to the present, I moved back to NJ a few months ago to save $$ for my next move, did a one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" and working on tweaking it and doing it again, and performing stand up a few times a week. I am kind of at a plateau, and feel like I need to shake it up a bit again because having any down time usually causes me to google any physical ailments I have, and at this point having self diagnosed myself too many times I should already be dead.
I need a personal challenge- so here goes- everyday I have to try something I have never done before (or in a very long time)- as simple as eating a tangelo, or as daring as tight rope walking, or as bold as telling someone to F off at the second I think it (never have said to anyone unless in jest). So besides my regular blogging I will include my daily challenge. Today, duh, duh, duh- I will run (not walk) 1 1/2 miles, I know I can't believe that this is true but I would say it is safe to say that for at least 15 years I have never had the inclination to run, ever. I have fast walked a bunch for miles but never kicked it up. So here goes challenge #1- if I never write again that means I didn't make it and can say Running is bad! - I probably will survive- knowing now that my heart rate rising is not a sign of death but merely exercise. Thanks for reading! xo,
Vicki

I'm sayin it.......

I know I write a lot about my weight and maybe it is not your thing but for me it is a barometer of how my life is going , like can't fit in a movie theater seat-may need meds- or exercising daily- credit card bills probably paid- you get the point. SO what about right now-duh, duh, duh- well I am working it, trying to trim down and actually trying clothes on when I buy them- fat girl me just buys them, tries them on at home, they don't fit and then I hang them up and hope for a brighter day. Well some of those bright days are here and some of those clothes are starting to fit too bad some of them include shrugs- it may have taken a bit too long. So, the point, about 2 1/2 months ago I joined the weight watchers and have been going each week and staying for the meeting, blah, blah and it is working, I also feel happier and I have stopped referring to the weigh in lady as a Nazi. For the skinny reader, at a weight watcher meeting , everybody shares, people give advice, it is like chubby group therapy and I like it. If you know me, you know I have a gift to gab so I think they like my recipes and silly banter, etc. Today's meeting was about holiday parties, and one woman raised her hand completely concerned about three parties this week and what was she going to do, etc? the leader asked if anyone had any advice. My mouth opened and out it poured (I realize some people were born with this thing called a filter- I was not-it has been at times a good and a bad thing- never can predict which way it will go)- my words to the scared partier- "Get a great dress that makes you feel sexy and beautiful, focus on the friends, fun and the fact that you are so hot. The hot girl is not the one with powdered sugar on her shirt, she is the one who is bubbly, chatty and confident. The lonely girl is at home eating the spinach dip with the bread bowl, be the hot girl." I couldn't help myself. I know every thing we say in life is really for ourselves like the cop who says behave, is also telling himself to - you get it. So, I guess I needed to be reminded to be the hot girl. So I bought a red dress. I really did ask myself , in the past, "what would the hot girl do in this situation?" and now I realize I am that hot girl. Rock on! thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

so red it is....

I went to art school and dropped out after a year and a half and then went to a park, well that is another story to be told at another time. Art school was a pretty good experience and one class in particular always stands out- color theory. It was basically a class about how color effects you and how it effects each other. Like when you put a blue green paper on a blue piece of paper the blue will come together and the green will pop or how black paper makes everything pop on it because any light is bright on the dark, you get it. I notice the same thing with people. I think we are all made of all parts- good, bad, happy, sad, cruel, kind, etc. Each one of us just has a certain chemistry or mix at any given time that makes each one of us individuals. I am confusing myself as I type this, sorry...the point is I talked with a friend who complains all the time and noticed I started to complain about things that I could care less about and then I noticed I hung out with a friend who can be a bit bitchy and I started to well be bitchy. I don't think it is the other person making me any sort of way but like the paper the like colors come together. I realize we are all kind of works in progress and even Gandi probably had doubts and second guessed himself and wanted to be petty but he didn't let those thoughts win inside himself. I am just a person trying to live a life that contributes something good to this world, trying to learn, and enjoy the moment. I think the dark parts- like anger, fear, and bitterness are easier sometimes because they thrive in insecurities and to be honest I have had my share. I admit I am not completely on my A game yet (more about B+-B) and I am making daily choices to try to be a stronger and stronger person so my insecurities are falling away. Don't get me wrong I still feel like saying f*ck you sometimes, or being petty, however I want a challenge in this life because truthfully the f*ck yous and the petty parts are easy I hold them right in my mouth...the kindness, understanding, forgiveness parts are harder because I hold them in my heart and soul. Light stands out in the dark.....and I choose to wear red. Thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

Stop sending me your news...

so evidently some universes have screwed up and I keep having to read about Tiger Woods and his affair, accident and FIFTY FIVE MILLION dollar offer to his wife to stay with him for two years. I am changing my plan from getting in shape and becoming David Letterman's intern to becoming Swedish and marrying Tiger Woods for 55 million for two years, you know I would do it for 50 million. WHAT???? My first paying job in life was at the age of 13 (lied on my working papers) and I made $2.93/hr and when I worked a forty hour week during the summer I never broke $200. At 13,221 dollars per hour (the 55 million rate/2 yr) I may have completed college, hell I may have gone to grad school. I know, I get it, love and money are not the same thing. My first relationship in life, well my first everything, lasted for 6 years and I always thought we would get married and have kids, etc. We broke up right after my 22nd birthday after I found out he cheated on me with a bank teller. Yes, I was so crushed that I lost 9 pounds in a week and could barely function. We had a box of items that were mainly from the dollartree store that we were saving for our first apartment, I didn't want any of them. The last thing I remember doing was helping him pay a month of his car payment at no point was there an offer of $55 million dollars, I admit it knowing what I know now I would have stayed if there had been, hell I would have given him a kidney. My last relationship lasted for five years and we lived together and it ended when I was 32 (just yesterday), that one cost me a few thousand to finally get him packed up and on the road. There were tears, heart ache, and then dancing after the final door slam goodbye and again at no point a 55 million dollar offer. I am far from a gold digger believe me my standards have finally risen to employed and I believe love and respect can move mountains but you could probably move a few for 55 million, sorry I can't help saying it. The point is as I type this some comedian is giving their all for $25 or less, some person is cleaning toilets for $7.25/hr, and some woman/man is staying in a shitty relationship for nothing. I do dream of one day making a bunch more money than I do now and being in a relationship with someone who is loving, wonderful and successful, but I admit because of Tiger Woods I have found out my price. So if your question has the words 55 million dollars in it..... my answer is YES!!! Thank you for reading. xo, Vicki

your pedestal is made of butta

as it turns out everyone is equal. I used to do this terrible thing, well still doing it but realizing it faster so it does not last as long, I used to put people on pedestals and think that they were somehow more important and just more than myself. No, I know can you imagine a lady bug warrior feeling less than anyone well, yes I would meet someone and become impressed and think that this person's talent, intelligence, confidence, whatever....made them somehow more deserving, entitled and less accountable. I did it...I put them on a pedestal. AHHHHH.... it wasn't their fault, they didn't ask for it but I just made a decision to think of them as more than me or rather me less than them. Confidence is the great equalizer and turns out those pedestals were just made of butta (the LI version of butter) and these people are fine but no more or no less important than myself, (well maybe a hair less), because as Whitney say's " I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all"- hope you sang along.
I spoke to a few of these people I second guessed myself to over this past holiday weekend and I laughed at how they have faults, frailties, insecurities, all of it, turns out they are just as human as I am. Pedestals are fine for my flowering Christmas Cactus however for anything else they are just made of butta. The moment I realized this I felt instantly funnier, smarter, sexier because I gave myself all of this love, respect, and entitlement that I was busy using to keep them on a pedestal. There are many people I admire- the guy who gave up his seat on the bus, the single mom who is busting her butt, the anonymous kidney donor. Thanks for reading, this is seeming a bit "Oprah lite" to me however it is just part of my journey so thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki
This was a quote that I had hanging on my wall in my NYC apartment and it is funny the more "real " my life gets the more I get this quote-

Nelson Mandela - Our Greatest Fear

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.