Monday, November 30, 2009

And the fat lady said.....

So somehow two ladies live in my head, their is a fat lady and this thin lady. The fat lady is very friendly, giving to everyone, has verbal diarrhea, can't find her sex appeal and hasn't seen it since 1996, she is slightly sad and orders for imaginary people in a drive through at McDonalds. The thin lady is focused, healthy, shares what is needed, just bought some sexy panties, happy and kind to herself. Both of these ladies exist and it is a daily struggle who's voice is louder. As my goals become clearer, my body gets healthier the thin lady's voice is the one that wins. She is the one that encourages me, makes me first, and chooses to keep moving in a positive healthy direction. That fat lady is great too, she just wastes time thinking about what other people are doing and forgets that being really happy has nothing to do with what other people are doing , because life is not a contest it's a journey. As I type I think how dirty the word "fat" has become, my nephews are not aloud to say it, being called it is crushing and I have read poles that have said people rather be poor than fat. The fat lady in my head is not just literal, she is my less than best self, she is afraid, misguided and dependent on others to tell me I am alright. For me food has been a crutch, I don't drink, smoke, or do any drugs, but donuts well that's another story. When I feel good I treat myself well and that tends to effect the size of my bum. I also notice as my bum shrinks, I hug my family more, I say less to people who have pumped me for my entire soul, I feel strong and not just because I am a super hero but because I am being fair with myself. Today the thin lady won and though they both wear the exact same pair of jeans they both have a totally different walk. Walk tall, thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

the second before gravy

I am making this entry slightly Thanksgiving themed because, well it is in 2 days and always like to be seasonal. Whether you cook or not you will get it....when you make gravy and mix in your flour or cornstarch and continue to stir and then doubt whether you added enough stuff to thicken it and wonder if your turkey and potatoes will be naked at the table and then all of a sudden it comes together, gravy and the doubt runs away and then the confidence comes back and you knew there would be gravy all along. That is my life right now, the second before gravy. It is weird the things that can happen during that second: a pair of pants that never fit every time I took them out of my draw start to zip up and fit (almost legal for human eyes), people are starting to find me a bout touring this show I did (only faceless people in emails from towns I don't know), but still it could work out, my debt is going down (and then just to spite my efforts they charge me an annual fee). It is that moment where it could go either way and I could give up on my dreams or start to forget what they I want GRAVY!!! Gravy for me is creative satisfaction, monetary reward, and the confidence to trust the first voice that pops in to my head (believe me there are several sometimes I wish I had one of those deli number things in my head.) Gravy-----I wish for gravy and right now the low fat kind, I said my pants almost fit. Thanks for reading, Happy Thanksgiving!
xo, Vicki

Saturday, November 21, 2009

What happened to '89?

So this week was a blur, it literally flew by. I was so busy (thankfully) and only a few clear moments stand out like "wow only 1000 more tea sandwiches to make", and "what a cute security guy", and "wow it's 4am already time to get up". I catered a bunch this week, taught one class and performed zero. So my savings account is happy and my soul is it isn't, not really. If some of you don't know I have a small catering business and I cook everything for my clients events. I am pretty good at it however the light fun part of me never comes out because my "is this perfect and tasty Martha Stewart" side takes over. I also think if the light fun part of me came out I would say all kinds of crazy things while working like when a lady spilled a drink on me the other night and her husband laughed instead of saying "no problem it happens", I probably would have said something like "I understand Miss we all have to drink to forget, this is your husband right?". I know Martha would never and neither would I, instead I asked the cute security guy to tackle him first if things get crazy. So November 2009 is almost over and so is the Oprah two years. How does time go by so fast? I can swear it was just 1989 and I was a mere tween well really a teen, I was trying to trim a couple of years off but due to that, impossible. I blame that internet site for so much wrong doing, I never would have registered back in the day and in my early 20's if I knew that till the end of time you would know where and what year I graduated HS, oh well. Some clear signs show time has been flying when I saw the "Sex in the City" movie and Candice Bergen's cameo I thought wow "she looks older" and then realized, wow I must be older to?, or when my practical more mature brain speaks up and says, "I'm sorry I can't have coffee so late it will keep me up and I have a busy day tomorrow", what? So as they say....time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking, into the future. If you have never heard that song you may have been born after 1989 and you are a child or 20, what? Thank you for reading and my apologies to all the English majors who read this. I think of writing as a collage, I write the words and then scatter all the punctuation marks and let them fall where they may. Happy Thanksgiving and thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Goodfellas and the Prius

Here's the thing, I watched Goodfellas again yesterday, if you have no reference to that movie or what it is I am way to old for your eyes and stop reading now. There is a part of me that loves that movie and sees myself in it with the react only will load your body in the trunk and dig the hole attitude. I know you wouldn't guess that a women who bakes cupcakes and loves those dancing flower Prius commercials would also love the idea of vigilante justice. I am aware that Goodfellas is anything but vigilante justice , they are family who murder, deal drugs, and intimidate but they also live and react from their gut. I love that.
People always have a misconception, they think the guy with the piercings and tatoos or the women who is always screaming with her leather jacket are the tough ones, not true. I think the lady who bakes muffins, volunteers, feeds her neighbors cat and does the nice thing because you should is the tough one. It is like the junkyard dog a lot bark tends to mean very little bite and not wearing your strength as a shield probably means it is your core. How does this relate? Well in my life right now I am making some choices like, where should I live? can I afford certain relationships? what do I want and how do I make it happen? It has taken me a few years to get back to my inner strength and voice, it was always there I just forgot about it and I looked to other people to guide me on the right move or I looked at them as a barometer of where my life was, like a reflective property. As my confidence grows I realize again that my voice is the best one for me and my voice says "I am a ninja who bakes, tells jokes, volunteers, loves her family and is no ones bitch....anymore." The bitch part was for dramatic affect but basically true. Thanks for reading!
xo, Vicki

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Broadway and tv.

When I was 14 I wanted a drafting table. I used to draw a lot, and paint and weld. I know weld, it's true I was the only female in my HS woods and metals classes. Art was how I said my pain, my joy, it was an outlet that I loved and I wanted a drafting table. I got my first job when I was twelve and always made my own money however since cabbage patch dolls (fourth grade) I never actually asked for anything specific - gift wise so I was positive I would get what I wanted, a drafting table. My parents were separated since I was twelve and when my dad came around I wasn't. I remember on my 15th birthday I got home from school and in my room was a television set with bootleg cable. I know I seem like a brat to have been disappointed but I was, I asked my mom "why a tv?". She told me my dad picked it out and she thought I would like it to. Soon after my dad fell off the wagon again and my mom actually enforced the restraining order. I did not see my dad again till my brother's college graduation two years later. My dad tried to kill himself my freshman year of college by drinking three bottles of rubbing alcohol and then when I was 22 the day after I opened an art gallery in NJ he called to tell me he had a brain tumor and was dying. My mom and I flew to Wisconsin (where he was living with some religious group), and we brought him back to NJ where he lived for 6 months and ten days, he was given 3-6 months to live and I always feel like, that was my stubborn dad the extra 10 days. His brain tumor was a fourth stage inoperable glioblastoma (tumor) and within ten days he went blind and then was in a wheel chair and would say confusing things all the time. Like he would tell me to get ready for my Broadway show and to lose weight and that my tv show was a hit. I was trying to run this art gallery and make it work and then see my dad at night so a Broadway show was not actually in the cards at that time or even a dream of mine. My dad died at the age of 56 and I now dream of being on Broadway and having a hit tv show. I kept that television when I moved out on my own and had my own home for 8 years and then when I moved to NYC 3 1/2 yrs ago it moved with me again. When I moved back to NJ a couple of months ago I did not bring the tv, it was kind of past it's expiration date. Yesterday, I thought about this as I was running through the woods making this spec commercial and started to laugh because maybe my dad was a f@ck up and maybe he also saw something in me I had yet to see in myself. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki
I have f@cked up from time to time and I think that is why they call my species of super hero human.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


Yes, well sabotage....I was teaching a cooking class the other night with four types of raviolis and cannolis needless to say I was not going to even start eating with the class because I knew I would eat one cannoli then ravioli and then spiral into being awake at 2 in the morning making funnel cake. My brain works that way, either very good or very bad. Since I have been doing points mildly successfully I knew to not even start, I told my class to enjoy as I cleaned up, they understood that I am on a mission but my assistant who is also on her own mission kept negotiating with herself like, "well I will let myself eat each ravioli" and "some hazelnut bark"- it did look beautiful I have to admit- and " I will have a cannoli if Vicki has one." NOOOOOO! I am not having a cannoli I don't care if you shame me I won't do it. That is when one of the students screamed out "SABOTAGE". I laughed and she was right, my assistant was unconsciously trying to sabotage me well more importantly herself. I know it because most times I do it to myself. SABOTAGE--- like when I feel like crap because someone tries to set my worth for me and then I eat like crap or waste time watching reality tv all day rather than living in reality or when something I thought would work out doesn't so I waste time obsessing over it. Sabotage. thanks for reading. xo Vicki
PS . I just bought pants two size smaller than I was before, what cannoli? No I don't think so.

Monday, November 2, 2009

so you want to be a rockstar

I went to see "where the Wild Things are" yesterday with my 8 year old nephew- side note- James Gandolfini looks great. My nephew Jack is the oldest of three and well when he was born I kept saying "I think he may be a genius"- he now reads a lot and is pretty smart- self fulfilling prophecy - who knows time will tell. I also said about my second nephew when he was born "looks like a drummer"- that one may be off. So on the drive back to his house he asked me "do all good singers become famous?'- oh my gosh does he read my mind like if I have talent and persistence will it all work out or am I just deluded and in need of picking up my discounted prescription from Walmart? ahh well again time will tell. So I took a breath and gave my answer, I am practicing doing that, taking a breath before answering questions like, "can I borrow money?" or "will you clean my bathroom?" , take a breath and then answer rather than commit to , well you get the point. So my answer- talent, tenacity, a bit of luck, a sugar daddy- (I took that one back), and desire may be what you need to be famous as a singer and even with all that you never know, realizing my answer was against everything I believe in I said you have to go for what you want in your heart until you get it or your heart changes it's mind. I then added some of the best singers are probably the ones who will never be heard they just enjoy singing and have never felt fame etc had anything to do with it. I then said most of the time I perform for no money and I have to make money from catering, etc in order to keep working for my goal and that one day (hopefully sooner than later) I will be paid enough that it will become my sole income. He then asked "well then why do you do it?" OMG- I know don't make me get real here- breath- "I do it because there is nothing better than being in a room full of people who connect with your train of thought and you can make them laugh, think, smile and escape. I also like the way you can say the most honest things and apologize for none of it." He got it- genius- I got it to, well I knew it- I just sometimes forget when my credit card bills come or you do a show and the host brings you up as a vagina or a crack head (these were female hosts- let's ban together ladies- for the greater good- shall we?). Since getting back from Scotland I vowed to only perform for fun and or money. That is harder than it sounds, granted I can have fun in a doctors waiting room- not always the case in comedy. I think fun and or money should be my blanket rule for everything- like should I talk to that person who is a real drag- breath- fun and or money? NO. thanks for reading. xo, Vicki
I know I am a perfect candidate for a Language Arts 101 class, so thanks for flowing with my flow. I felt a little hip hop there. happy week!