Sunday, December 30, 2012

So I am giving myself permission to feel funny again.....

it is a weird thing in life to say but it is truly how I feel. I know my inner monologue like "I look sexy" or "am hilarious" usually those feelings exude on the outside if I believe them on the inside. For the last year and a half funny was something I did not let myself have. I performed stand up for the first time on February 28th, 2007 and I loved it. The second time I did it, I bombed but still loved it and the whole time I thought..."this is bombing and I am still alive".
I never dreamed of being Eddie Murphy or Ellen but I did love the idea that people got my point of view and could laugh with me and that was it, after a few years I realized the magic part if I had fun, the audience had fun and that transcended to all of  life , my inner monologue being the outer one.
Stand up really helped me find my true voice my personal feelings, thoughts, opinions, and helped to turn some of my most tragic moments in life into something wonderful..laughter....I mean how magical is that? Pretty f'ning amazing, if you ask me.
Almost three years ago, a car drove through my mom's living room while I sat with her on the couch watching "Damages" on the dvr. We were both physically fine but her stress level flew into overdrive and anything that may have been part of her aging timeline became her own personal life cliff notes. First they thought she had "post traumatic stress" and I took her to speech therapy, therapy therapy, a neuropathologist, etc. Then there were several MRI, and cat scans and after a year of trying to find out why my other wise highly intelligent mother who read a book a week was now putting underpants in her jacket pockets and wearing ten scarves at a time. I was just trying to know what to do for her.

I have an older brother who is an accountant, married with three sons and was not my mom's legal choice to make her decisions. I was, I tried to be on her side and rationalize what was happening and to be honest, on my own personal whiny side, before the car drove through I finally came out of the closet and admitted being gay so....well the whole panties in her pocket were just another detail in the already "what the f* is happening?" part of life.
Oh right the point of this. My mom moved in with my brother's family for a year and for that year they were amazing and I tried to make the best decisions I could and she got worse and finally in March of 2011 a doctor said your mom has "aggressive advanced Alzheimers" and those words seemed to say...just like when they said in 1996 about my dad "fourth stage glioblastoma" ...FINAL. They sounded final and all of the excuse making of why my mom suddenly only will eat pancakes and wanted to meet my girlfriend at the time (now wife) at 3am only wearing a sweater seem more real. Real being honest...honest that this was serious and at her stage things were only going to get worse. They did fast and by September she passed away and everyday I miss her and the idea of doing stand up seemed ridiculous. It is funny in the last year and half of my life I have felt the happiest and the saddest. My first best friend, my mom, past away from something that was hard to understand and hard to fight and manage. I also married my new best friend my partner in life and I missed my mom most on our wedding day knowing she wouldn't want to miss it for the world. It is the way life works I guess, I get just took me a bit to want to make people laugh again. Because it took me a bit to laugh again. I feel ready lately though because I believe in the power of laughter and well I got the funny in me. So with this new year...I am performing more and having fun also getting back to my skinny jeans----turns out even when I am happy I like butter!!
Happy New Year everyone and thanks for reading!!! xo Vicki

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Enough're going to catch fleas.....

so if you made your way to my blog you probably know I am a super hero....well at least like to feel I am as strong as anyone else and that I truly believe that good will always prevail. You will also know I am gay, married, happy and have been through the ups and downs of life , just like everyone else.
These past few months I learned a lot about myself and this world we live in. I never realized how much hate was flying around ready to pounce if a portal was opened. Like living with a group mentality of well that guy is offensive, racist, homophobic, sexist and got away with it well maybe this will fly. It is sad and there are ten days left till our next President of the United States is elected and I see it as clear as day....will the porthole of hate be large enough to let the wrong guy win?
I cry sometimes thinking about it, not my unwavering view that the good guy Barack Obama will be re-elected but more upset of the ugly faces I have seen during this time.
I grew up knowing I was different and never really felt like I fit in but doing the right thing, the compassionate thing, was clear. I didn't understand I was gay till late in life and when I came out , I let out the secret I may be a minority and I may be different a bit but I love and I contribute and after I saw this clear, obvious part of me everything looked even more crystal clear. I know I ramble and my grammar is far from perfect however my words, my words are true.
I truly thought "oh goody" the Republican party realized this election was going to be a loss so they were only going to sacrifice their most obvious ridiculous candidate and wait for four more years to offer up someone of some merit. I mean the guy who tied his dog to the roof of his car, chased a student through his prep school pinned him down and cut his hair, the guy who got rich while k-b toys went bankrupt. I mean ridiculous. So even after that the 47% video, the non specifics, the out and out flip-flopping and blatant lying and what? I know anyone would be like...he is probably ashamed, crying, sinking in the polls. No....proof reality tv has made us dumb, he is neck and neck and even worse, people I know, people I went to public school with are supporting him. Granted you will say Vicki, you and your vagina are biased, I mean who cares about women's rights? your gay rights? The economy! The economy! Well if a guy says "let Detroit go bankrupt", ships jobs to China he is clearly even after all the other crap still saying he is the worst possible choice. is so frustrating. I believe Obama will win re-election and I am sure Mittens will disappear but I saw it..I saw the hate, the sexism, the homophobia, the racism. I feel even more fueled to live a life of truth with dignity and honor. I urge you all to do the same because if you stand for nothing you will fall for anything...CLEARLY...MITTENS...STOP IT Already! thanks for reading and please vote!!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I admit my shortcomings.....not the whole cake! (important)

...maybe you can relate or not but you know when you start a diet or make some good changes in your life and you feel pretty great and your fat pants start to get very loose and even your skin feels healthy and you feel good...hell great and there is this confidence that grows that makes you think...I can take home the rest of that cake from a party because I rock and I know portion control now and look how hot I am and then after a shitty day or a bill comes you forgot you still owe..... you find yourself waking up with crumbs on your pj's and swollen fingers...yeah that may have happened.
I kind of woke up finding Mitt Romney in the poll lead.........and he kind of looks like my fat pants.
I admit it, I became actively political for the first time this year. Started volunteering for Obama's campaign, donating, hell we even had a bake sale and then I started to get a little over confident like...yeah the country gets the blatant difference and of course wants the right guy to win...yeah...I'll take the cake home. But getting up again, finding that voice that you worry may ruffle some feathers of people who want to bury their heads in the sand and saying this is important! Very important!
I am not even sure this is his campaign slogan anymore but to answer his question, "Is my life better than four years ago?"
My answer, Hell Yes! You see four years ago, I was cooking, doing comedy, single, and well pretty much broke. I was so broke I had to make a last minute call and instead of renewing my lease, I called my mom to ask if I could move back home with her for the first time since my early 20's till I could get back on my feet. She thankfully let me and with shame I did that,  moved back to my brother's old bedroom and started to pay off the debt that I had accumulated and figure out my next step in life. I am grateful for that year , especially the time I got to spend with my mom. I started my catering business 11 years ago and four years ago I had the worst holiday season I had ever had, so bad I was selling crafty items I made in front of the MET. When I moved back with my mom I got a job teaching as well as my catering to make ends meet. That was my four years ago: single (well I was sleeping in my brother's old twin bed so my prospects were pretty slim), very few catering jobs and with very low budgets, working a million hours in a job I was not passionate about to get back to even.
Fast forward to today, my business is doing great, thankfully have had the best year since starting, married to the love of my life in a state that recognizes our civil liberties as equal, and we are looking to buy a home and move out of our nyc apt in the next few months. So yes my life is better...hell of a lot better. I take none of this for granted and I know that I was fortunate to have the breather that my mom afforded me for the year of my life I stayed with her. I know that , what I do is not glamourous and I work hard and Obama is not with me scrubbing floors at 2am however the economy is better for me. My confidence and ability to live an open, honest life has been changed these last four years and this last year when our President announced he supported marriage equality it meant a great deal. What some people don't get is when you grow up thinking, "I am just not a great joiner" or "I march to the beat of my own drummer", the reality is blending in is nice and being equal in your country you were born and raised in with important, very important! So that covers financial, social, oh what care? Well, when I was 22 I became legally responsible for my father who had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and was unable to make decisions for himself...six months later he died...a year later I went bankrupt. So it is my understanding with Obama's health care program that would not have happened, my father still would have passed but I would not have been marked with ten years of destroyed credit. So, currently credit in the high 700's. Oh and I am a woman and would go toe to toe with anyone who can honestly give me reason why women should be paid less, and have less say about what happens to their own bodies....that is just ignorant...literally ignorant!
So FOUR YEARS later....MUCH BETTER, thank you! Yes I am proudly supporting the re-election of President Obama...and you should too!
Thanks for reading my very long run-on sentence.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dyke, Slut, Greece-ball....................

just say it. A few weeks ago I went to this food seminar (because I cook for a living) and there was this part on Angus beef and the woman leading it kept saying the phrase "harvesting" and I was picturing apple orchards and corn fields until it hit me she meant slaughterhouses. See how the word made it seem like a pleasant activity by calling it harvesting and how the word slaughterhouse just makes you see the blood, hear the squeals, the cries. Well...I eat beef...this is not about my vegetarian plight but really about the truth.
I am sure if you are reading this you know I ramble sometimes, have poor punctuation and I want Obama to be re-elected. More so than all of that I want the truth. I really see things in a pretty great light. I expect the ernest person to be rewarded, that everyone has kindness somewhere and if you persevere it will usually work out the best way possible, regardless if it is a completely different way than you thought but better somehow. YES, say it, I am naive...really not, hopeful.
So I was watching the Republican convention and reading everything I could and I got so upset and felt powerless....not a feeling I wear well. I guess I finally realized the words faith, Christianity, moral value have become code words for racism, homophobia and sexism.
To be honest I was christened, I believe in a higher power, sometimes I pray and on both of my parents death beds I made sure a priest blessed them because to me religion, god, faith, whatever you call it, it  is a personal thing, it's vale is what it means to you. Like having faith and perseverance can change the world. Naive , I know...can't help it.
So when the platform was to make my marriage unconstitutional because of moral value and tradition (oh I am a gay and so is my wife) I heard it loud and clear SLAUGHTERHOUSE. See I can now hear it just say it, you don't like the gays, you are homophobic, you don't like the fact that everyone is not white, just say it you're racist, you don't think women are smart enough to make the same money nor make decisions about their own bodies, you're sexist. I get it ...OWN IT! Say it, but the truth is the less we hear it, the less you say it the more you can sleep at night, the way harvesting is just picking the apples, shucking the corn. I guess , the years I spent in the closet, I never saw this, I had enough self hate that I couldn't see any outside of myself and frankly I didn't see how it effected me. TRUTH effects all of us. I am gay...I own it.  I also own the fact I feel slightly miffed when someone tells me how tough their life has been being born into so much money and opportunity and how they can never seem to gain weight no matter how much they eat..I do I don't really have a lot of empathy for them and that is probably wrong but at no point do I want to be in charge of their bodies and force mayonnaise down their neck and make their double trust fund baby marriage unconstitutional. I just want it fair......and if you won't make it fair...I will fight for it but at least make it honest so when you lay your head on your pillow at night you won't hear the turning of the corn mill but rather the squeals of the slaughterhouse to lull you to sleep.
I am fighting any way I can and feel joyful, I am writing newspapers, making phone calls and donating,   and I am working on doing more...I urge you to do the same. I will not give up my power and the more we share our truths (for the good or the bad) the more chance change will occur. See when someone gets that you see the truths of their views they can't hide...from you and more importantly from themselves.
Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Monday, August 20, 2012

An important open letter (please read).....

When I was 22 my dad died of a brain tumor and a year ago my mom passed away from Alzheimer's , and if either were alive today I would be writing to them, however since that is not possible I am writing here. My blog where I have shared too much some times to probably very few, but thank you for reading this, truly, because I need to be heard.
I was raised with the idea that the "world is my oyster", that I can be and do anything I want if I work hard enough and live with dignity and had character. Growing up in New Jersey, in a middle class family, raised primarily by my single mom who worked very hard to make sure we followed by her example. Her ability to persevere , have dignity and be fair made her honorable and not always likable but definitely respected. I went to Rutgers, opened a small business at 22 and bought my first home at 24. I went bankrupt after assuming responsibly for my ailing father and have had success that I never expected at times. 
I have always believed in this most important statement, " we are all created equal". Never have I felt less than, inferior, incapable ...any of it. I came out of the closet a few years ago and felt even more confident and capable because frankly honesty and truth can never be taken away, it is empowering. I married my now wife two months ago and am thankful and happy, very happy. I am writing all of this because I feel slightly unnerved for one of the very few times in my life. Constantly , especially during this election year, I am hearing how as a woman, a gay woman in particular, I am less entitled to be part of the statement " we are all created equal". I know that the parties who make harsh criticisms, make sexist and homophobic statements says much more about them than myself. It talks about their fear and fear makes people say and do very stupid things. Trust me, worst choices I ever made in my life had some sort of fear behind them. I understand the economy weighs heavily on people's decision making this election, as a small business owner I understand, but without our basic fair principles  who are we as a nation anyway? I am asking, especially if you are a parent  who wants to instill in their children that they too are capable of being and achieving anything they wish, to vote to re-elect President Obama . "Fair is fair", I knew that as a kid and thankfully still know that as an adult. I miss and appreciate my parents very much. Thank you for reading and more importantly for remembering this November that "we are all created equal".
Xo, Vicki

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Taking a Leap...again....

So.....leap kind of feels like a day to get started back to getting started. The whole Internet thing is funny and rarely do I write anymore and rarely do I think anyone reads it, however once in a while a friend from the past pops up who says, "just read your blog and learned a lot about you", to which I wince thinking..." much crap did I write about myself?", in my pj's while drinking too much coffee alone in my apt? Well, last night I actually read some of the crap and I think I am doing okay. I started writing this blog in 2009 basically for free therapy and it was kind of like those self indulgent carrots you give yourself to say..."see world, I am a person", kind of like those Christmas letters people send bragging about their kids or the email blasts you get saying "I am important...see look at all I have going on". But truthfully I started the blog to just remind myself I was supposed to live this life and do all the things I was afraid to do and trust it would be fine if I kept moving forward. So...I read some stuff and my life looks a bit different then three years ago... my weight well (trying to shed some more before getting married in June) , oh yeah that,in love, engaged, happy, also had some success with food, performing, etc..learned some lessons. You know the good to yourself and the world follows suit..that is always a good one and realizing that more people come to the pity party than the parade was a tough one but a good one to learn. I have seen some rough stuff in my life, was with both my parents when they took their last breathes, have had heart break, been down on my luck, etc but truth be told I still think life rocks, if you have clean water and can still see the blue are doing pretty good. So for me right now I feel blessed and thankful that I am doing pretty great. I guess I needed to remind myself of this, that I am doing great and to keep moving forward...I never dreamt three years ago I would ever be this happy so I can only imagine what three years from now has in store. Enjoy your leap day and you life, thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

Friday, February 3, 2012

Umm two Brides, no groom...yes you heard correctly..

What? It has been a while since I have written so for the few of you who read this, I got engaged on Christmas Eve! I know, it's fun and exciting and makes me want to dance most of the time. It took me a very long time to love myself, be truly loved by another and is Awesome and I don't even use that word. So, thankfully, the state of New York has some intelligent people who realize that the Constitution was meant for everyone and I am able to marry my partner, my love, legally on a state level only however, I know that the timing of it is great and as I try not to go crazy looking at the billions of wedding stuff that somehow I all of a sudden need I wonder... if teen kids are brave enough to come out of the closet, walk the walk and live true, why do we have to, on a nearly daily basis be forced to hear and see hate? (I mean doesn't the no bullying law work for adults too?)
I know the answer, I know that if you truly love yourself then you know everyone else should do the same and if you live with fear most likely you don't like someone for a reason that has nothing to do with you like ethnicity, sexuality, religion, sex, etc. Okay the point the point, cute wedding favors, no the point the real true.
If Michelangelo or Leonardo Da Vinci's art moves you, or Elton John and Melissa Etheridge's music gets your toes tapping, and Ellen Degeneres, Wanda Sykes and Lily Tomlin make you laugh than why not let them love? Legally.
Before I came out of the first thought when straight women told me they were getting married..."are you retarded?, we grew up with Oprah". But then I got real, told myself the truth, told everyone else, realized the world was not going to implode, I was ten times happier, open to finding true love and I did. YAY, so then of course I was like...I WANT TO GET MARRIED TOO!!! So we are, and I know compared to so many couples past and present we are lucky however I never want to feel grateful about it, I mean isn't my right to love and have a legal binding union just as important as all those other people's straight weddings I've attended?
I listen to these Republican candidates and I cringe and I hear all the other "family values" groups up in arms about marriage equality and I think "how can this great, most exciting happy thing ...the evolution of our love be anything other than amazing?"
I have never been prouder to live my truth, do my thing, admit my faults, walk around many times with powdered sugar on my shirt and LOVE really LOVE! So back to googling clear mason jars which will fit the pretty french macaroons I want to make as favors, my insane thought for the day. Thank you for reading and sorry about the run on punctuation, as usual, is more a suggestion. Happy VALENTINE's Day!!! LIVE YOUR LIFE AND LOVE!!! IT turns out to be a great thing!xo, Vicki