So it seems I never write in this blog anymore but it is probably due to the fact that it is 2am and I can not sleep and my eyes are swollen and I can't wake my equally upset wife up to just be sad again for the 100th time today.Admittedly I had a shitty day, came home feeling sorry for myself about something that happened and well was home earlier than I thought and upset and chatting with a close friend on the phone about "wah me" and suddenly my healthy, strong, wonderfully giant cow print cat Pablo started to pant and shallow breathe. I tried to move him to help him breathe better but his legs were paralyzed, his gums were turning bluish so I wrapped him in a blanket and rushed him to the vet. As soon as we arrived they grabbed him and put him on oxygen, it was not helping and his tongue was turning purple and they took x rays and said there was fluid in his lungs and he had a thrombus blood clot and the best thing to do was to euthanize him, after shock, hysteria and a few calls I stood there saying goodbye to a great guy that I had since a kitten for the last 11 years. He moved with me five times, always taking it in stride, from house to NYC apt (a couple) then finally back to a house. He could fetch, was a constant talker and every night slept in bed with me (and the last couple years us). I learned to maneuver my legs , which he slept between so I could turn without disturbing this 28 pound gentle giant. Everyone that met him made comments--" That's a big cat", "I love him, I want to steal him", "Is that a dog?". He always introduced himself , chatted away, ruled our roost and he is missed greatly.
Today was shitty and oddly enough earlier in the day I was interviewed about something and then started chatting about my mom and became upset (she passed away two and a half years ago) and well I couldn't shake it and ended up home much sooner than I had planned. Thankfully I was home and Pablo and I could spend his final moments together.
I think each death in life kind of runs together into this well of confusion and strength. I think it sucks, I don't get it, especially like this, healthy one minute gone the next. Or in the case of both my parents two different illnesses both passed early by today's standards. I have to believe they are with me giving me strength. I have heard people say, "well it is selfish to be sad and you are lucky to have had this person/pet in your life" and you feel funny not moving on faster but the truth is you do move on, you get dressed have the happy times, the sad ones, the in betweens and you still miss them. I mean I remember listening to"Dust in the wind" and agreeing and getting that connection of life and death and the circle and energy and yeah yeah yeah but in the end isn't that too a way of getting by the fact that it just sucks. I hear my mom, in my head saying, that is not a nice way to say it but she too would have agreed. I guess the trick is just to live this life trying to stay in that zone of your strongest best self and feeling the feelings and still doing the good work and well hope the good times out way the bad ones and to keep taking more steps forward than back. Thanks for reading.... this was a ramble.....bottom line is give extra hugs to the ones you love.....with and without fur.xo, Vicki
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