Saturday, November 20, 2010

I just bought the cutest boots oh and I'm gay!

Wow, I just have to say it......I'm gay and I mean that in every possible way. Now that I fully admit it, I feel like I want a sticker, a megaphone and a billboard but instead will take my blog entry. What happened Vicki you lose some weight, do some comedy, give up on men and think you're gay? Believe me I have tried to wear that lie too but it doesn't fit. Five years ago I started a journey, sold everything I owned, broke up with a guy (I tend to refer to him on stage as a Hobbit--come on he was short and didn't have a job), and moved to NYC to find myself again. I spent a bunch of cash taking guitar lessons (Yes Tracy Chapman and the Indigo Girls), learned to blow glass, started doing stand up, and started to shed a bit of the stuff that I learned as someone who felt less valuable than others. I know, me the lady bug warrior, less valuable. You see I always believed I could do anything, be anyone, professionally, goal oriented, hard working, successful but personally, personally I decided that I should just find someone (a guy)who wasn't awful and , well it would be fine because everyone doesn't get everything, right?
This past year though has felt more like the real work, the most productive part, the most honest part. When I started this I remember telling my accountant brother five years ago that I lost my sense of happiness and wanted to find it. He was confused to say the least, with his three little kids, two mini vans and a mortgage payment my "happiness" seemed a little like a luxury even to me. Sorry, I am getting off the point, me liking ladies. I wrote this show last year called "lady bug warrior" and it was about every shitty thing in life that happened to me, abuse, relationships, etc and still showing that despite it life did not drag me down and I was still happy and strong. I did this show for a month and after it I came back to NJ (where I lived for a year to save some cash, etc) and decided I told my story but why not live it, why not really be that powerful, be that strong. So I stepped it up, no more lying to myself, no more eating to feel numb, no more letting people treat me like I felt about myself, honest with ME. I know brave right? So I did it, I shed about 60 pounds, I was bold and spoke clearly in business, life, etc. I started to feel like that girl who I was when I was 17 and tough, sort of. If you know me and have met me over the past few years you will know when I tell my story, I always talk about my art gallery, or childhood stuff, 80,000 margarita glasses I made, gourmet food success, but love I always leave that part out. Then I hear someone else tell their stories and their relationships are their time lines. I never realized that till very recently. Recently I have kind of realized everything, which is probably why I am awake in the middle of the night, these Oprah ah-ha moments, well they can hit ya at any second. No the gay thing is not the ah-ha moment, it is kind of the opposite, it's the "really you never realized it, are you serious?" moment.
As far as I can remember "girls were better",my mom was my hero, I wanted to marry my friend on the play ground, in the third grade, up until the school aid told us girls could not marry each other, (this is going to be a giant run on sentence just to warn you), I wanted to be the boy in grade school everyone liked, I even faked a lazy eye to get glasses in the fourth grade because he had glasses, I thought I had a crush on him but no I wanted to be the one that all the girls liked too, and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I was startled and told him "my mom didn't get married till she was 25 so no", I never liked boys that didn't like me first and at sleep over parties no girls brushed my hair and I felt crushed, I followed the pack and whoever everyone liked, especially my closest friend, well then I liked him too. By the time High School came around, I was a goth kid, wore all black, into art (needless to say everyone I was friends with my freshman year came out eventually) but not me, I was artistic- "I marched to the beat of my own drummer"- as my mother always proudly proclaims, I stopped being goth after my freshman year but stayed with art, and was the only girl for three years in my woods and metals class. I was hot, I felt fearless, guys would call my house and I would tell my mom to tell them "I died"--I would literally have her tell them that (sorry that is kind of funny- because she would say it, well say "my daughter told me to tell you she's dead" sorry I digress), I loved all of my short haired female art, English, and social study teachers I had and they loved me too (probably in a different way then I realize now), but they all befriended me, we did lunch, did blacksmithing internships together, they were smart, together women I respected. So, didn't I go- "I'm gay", no in High School I went to therapy to get over my father's abuse, I never drank or did drugs I never was experimental or risky. I was driven, I was the one who my mom leaned on, I was her date since the age of twelve, for work things, for whatever. I remember, my junior year of HS (still not kissed a boy- or anyone for that matter) and I was at a dance with my best friend. We would dance like crazy, I never even noticed the guys, but she hooked up with one and I was devastated, I literally could not believe she was "so morally bankrupt" or in reality she was cheating on me nothing ever ever happened with us" but to me she was "more" only I never articulated it to myself. I remember my junior year in HS I took all these nude photos of myself and would fight with my male photo teacher and he told me I hated men and was a lesbian. I thought that sounded preposterous and of course went running to my female art teacher I adored , who entered my nude photo in a Women's art contest and I won, just saying. So by my junior year, my best friend had a boyfriend, who I of course hated, and then while hanging out with a different friend, I met a guy, he was nice and I thought nothing of it. He called me and we spoke for hours he had a crazy childhood too and we bonded, I told him about my abusive alcoholic father and he told me about his mom dying and his dad leaving. I felt connected to him in a wounded way and we went out, I looked cute I had short shorts on and a wide belt and well we laughed he was funny and I didn't even think about getting physical, because it never dawned on me. I remember reading this Madonna book and being turned on, or "Some kind of wonderful", --"all I care about is me, you and , my drums", or the "legend of Billy Jean" and being like "they rock" but never did I connect it, sorry got carried away. The point by date 3 or four he tried to kiss me and I said---"you can feel me up but just don't kiss me", sorry at the time I "knew" it was because I was insecure about being inexperienced, not because (note the sarcasm) I had no desire to kiss a boy. But I fell for him and I would ask my "straight" girlfriends how to do things, and what men wanted. I mean I fell in love with him, though never sexually pleased or really like me. Right before he left for college my senior year, we decided we would lose our virginity together, the day before I felt I had to tell my best friend though we hadn't spoken in forever because well she started the whole boyfriend thing to begin with, anyway I found her shopping in the mall, I literally tracked her down. This was before cell phones...I was basically Magyver. I told her, "I had to tell you I am losing my virginity tomorrow", she said, "okay", and that was that the next day I did it twice, ate chinese food and decided I was in love with my boyfriend and sex was interesting. We stayed together I went to art school in NJ and was devastated to find out I could not afford to go the Art school at the University of SF or RISD because of money. I remember in college seeing demonstrations about "gay pride" and I remember thinking shouldn't sexuality be private, well it was for me, very private. I started to gain weight, I was in a car accident, my dad tried to kill himself, I dropped out of school, I opened an art gallery then found out my dad had a brain tumor, I became his legal guardian, went bankrupt , then my boyfriend Mike of six years cheated on me (this all happened over a few years) so questioning my sexuality, not at that time- to much life to survive. While at the gallery I met a guy named John who may have had the middle name oral sex (sorry I know dirty part alert), I was like, oh my goodness I have a clitoris, how fun is that. It was a lot of fun, I wanted to love him as much as he loved my clitoris but I couldn't because well he was a guy. During that time I remember three women who would woo me and bring me gifts and ask me when I came out? and I was always like, came out of what? I was clueless, I was an entrepreneur, I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me that I knew for a fact that I never wanted to marry which would always tend to throw a wrench in our bliss. I sold a bunch of art I made, closed the gallery, bought a little house and moved to a cute lake in Sparta, NJ. I lived there for a year or two and then met a little guy named Eben who was odd and artistic and he liked me and I was lonely. He moved in and I found out soon he was kind of shitty but by then I was so numb that I was okay with shitty. I was about 80 pounds over weight and was with a guy who's two last girlfriends were lesbians (came out after), I know he didn't turn me gay he just didn't need to be loved like I think someone should be he was shitty and mean and would tell me I was "physically repulsive". I had lost any sense of sexuality by that point and when I sold my house and moved to NYC which was one of my two options, my other one was to move to SF to study glassblowing. I chose NYC to stay close to my family. As soon as I got here, I got a fun hair cut, and took glass blowing classes, and wore all this jewelry made out of guitar strings, I started to shed some of my weight because I started to be happy again. A million people asked if I was gay, I of course was shocked and offended and could not believe it. I made no attempt to get very close to any gay women and only hung out with my straight gal friends or gay guys. Every time someone would ask if I was gay I would call my best friend and ask why did she think people thought that about me, etc. She would tell me, you're not gay. I figured of course she knew, she was amazing. So not gay, and not putting my hands in my pockets because someone told me that was a telling sign. I was defensive about it and tried to only wear dresses. Sorry it is so silly now to think about, I like dresses, I think anyone can wear a dress but that was me proving I liked guys. Unless of course any talked to me than I would tell them "I'm dead from the neck down" or something equally as odd. Eben surprised me in NYC a year after I was here and he was shitty, it took four days to throw him out and I regressed a bit lost a bit of my power. I performed stand up more and felt heard but I couldn't really hear myself and well a couple years went by and I did the "lady bug warrior" show and lost some weight and then did the show for the last time this past March 18th and I had a revelation and it made more sense, a lot more. I realized I totally wanted one of these girls, I felt sexy and more alive than ever. I came out to this lesbian couple to ask what to do and well found out what to do, and they were helpful at first but may also be great to be hired by the conservative reprogramming system because this has been a wacky summer of one of them away and the other one trying to get in my pants and only got into my heart, I digress. the point once i said it out loud my head almost melted and daily I was like, oh my gosh, my weight started to melt off, I like to call it my "almost lesbian diet", so I am a lesbian and have already had my heart broken and have gotten over it and recently met this guy who looked good on paper and I almost started to lie to myself again saying come on than you can do the regular thing and probably be happy, but that confusion made me want pancakes. I already came out to my family, a few months ago when my summer heart break was staying at my mom's house for five weekends in a row and well it seemed honest. My mom of course said, I want you to be happy and maybe you're not sure. But that is usually her answer for everything, like deny and support, it is kind of masterful. So why the need to blog about it in the middle of the night? Well this week I came out to a lesbian couple who are basically strangers (none of which tried to sleep with me , yay for that too much drama!), and I woke up the next morning like me, the real me, the one who may have taken a winding path to get back to me but I am here and I am queer and get used to it! Sorry I smiled as I typed that, not just because it rhymed. I have no delusions that glitter will now fall from the sky and everyone will get the gay memo and be beating down my door to just bask in the glory which is me. I know I have already lost some friends because of it and know that is not over and know that me questioning me makes some people uncomfortable with the idea that anyone would question themselves. That part I am used to by "marching to my own drummer and all". I am a small business owner and may lose some clients but they were probably shitty tippers anyway. What I gain is me, and I feel lighter and brighter than I can ever remember being. Honesty is awesome and I kick butt! LADY BUG WARRIOR!!! Thank you thank you for reading. xo,

Monday, November 1, 2010

wow, five years ago.....invisible

So, Oct 30th marked the five year mark. Five years ago I lived in Northwest New Jersey on a cute lake, in a cute house, in a cute town, with a little hobbit. My dad was an alcoholic, I know who's isn't......ahhh in the middle of starting this I realize I don't want to write about it, I don't want to write about how I ended up in a shitty relationship and lost myself, then moved to NYC in the attempt to find myself, instead I want to write about how cute my new shoes are, no, they are, but no.
I teach cooking classes and the other night a guy asked me how he could gain weight quickly, he told me he already gained 30 pounds and wanted to gain another 30 pounds. He started to notice that when he gained the weight all these people who never noticed him before started to notice him. I said, "DONUTS!! no, I get it I lost almost 60 pounds and I started to notice people noticing me, etc, and recently I kind of fell off the wagon slightly but am getting back on, and realized it is not the size, it is the feeling. When you point your attention to yourself and treat yourself as an important valuable person who deserve respect well then the world notices too and follows suit. Like, hey world, I love me so you should love me." As I shared this five people turned around and agreed in unison, it was kind of amazing. I love when we share things with people but really also need to share them with yourself. Five years ago I started a journey to get back to myself and I thought it was something I could find on the outside like a new pair of shoes, I still love shoes, but really everything we need is already there on the inside of us, you can change cities, lovers, hairstyles, but the truth is we are the magic makers and the captains of our fate. I smile as I write this, I may forget that once in a while but I do notice as time goes by the amount of time I forget it gets shorter like my breaks from my true self become less and less and so in turn the amount of love I give to myself gets more and more. Ahh, sometimes I'm smart......though my punctuation may not reflect it. A brief message to the Vicki from five years ago that I still remind myself of today, "relationships in life should make you want to be your best self not make you feel like your worst version of yourself. Life is about reflection, if you love yourself you may see the people standing in front of you change faces and probably become cuter." and Ps to Vicki five years ago...."you're hot". That's it, thank you for reading! xo, Vicki