Sunday, January 24, 2010

performing, living, trusting your smaller gut....

So, since my last blog was about cats I had to go into hiding for two weeks from the backlash, my own I mean. Not true. So, I reached it, that point that feels even, like, not lonely, not overly delusional, not forcing conversations, not bull shitting myself, but still hopeful, optimistic, expecting the best----me. I found me, again, for the tenth time, I know you are thinking how lost could you get? Well, let's see to tally it up in for the good side...I am 28 pounds lighter than I was this time last year...ah the flashback of crying on a train platform waiting to head back to the city after I weighed myself not realizing my arse had exploded and begging a friend to call me the next morning to make me go to the gym...oh what a year. Wow, my debt was also a bit embarrassing and now down to a respectable figure that will be finished off soon. Said the unspoken goodbye to some friends, who's weight added to my hips more than either of us knew. I said hello to the possibility of like if not love again...funny things happen when you start to get your shape back....I realized yep I am in fact a hot least a luke warm one. What else I decided I would only perform for fun and or money... yes that means I am doing it less but it also means I love it more. I have embraced the fact I love to cook, bake, teach, create, and am actively looking for a cafe space to lease or buy in NJ...if you see an empty space please let me know..the criteria--does not have to look attractive, I am crafty and have a vision, it also has to feel safe enough that no one will throw a brick threw the window (I've looked at a couple of real winners). For the down side (the facts of life theme song is playing in my head) I have been surprised by some relationships I had in my life, the ones I met through performing I get some of them being not dependable because a group of people looking for reinforcement all fighting for scraps that don't even exist could make anyone lose their basic social skills and a bit of humanity (no I don't really get it but I accept it). Some old friends have returned and others have taken different shapes I don't recognize like ....I have to stop here I hate the bitter stuff it doesn't really fit. The point I am trusting my smaller gut and it seems to be working out fine.....I have faith that it will all work out the best way it is supposed to even if in the middle of it feels like as shitstorm of silly.....I will just turn up that Wilson Phillip's song and Hold on for One more day. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Thursday, January 7, 2010

my truth about cats and......cats

I know, I know...I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did so I can't fight it any longer. I'm saying it, duh duh duh, I have cats. I know the stigma of being a single women in her thirties with more that one cat, more like 2.5 (one is very small so I rounded down), alright 3 cats, I said it, I am living in the now and I have three cats. I don't have any cat sweaters, figurines, hopefully my home has never smelled like cats, oh why all the shame? Enough with the shame, as my Birthday approaches I realize I may have said my last "sorry", like sorry I don't have a house, sorry my 401k is really 401 cleaner, sorry I couldn't, and sorry that you bumped in to me, and sorry I have cats. Done, I'm done with apologizing for adopting these furry friends who needed homes (one 13 yrs ago and the other 2 seven). Some reason when I lived with my ex boyfriend I never explained why we had three cats because having a penis in the picture some how took away the shame. Wouldn't that be funny if that were true for everything, like well oh my cell phone bill is late? well did I show you the penis? or oh my credit card is declined, that can't be true , did you see the? you get the point. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because maybe in the last two weeks I spent $1000 on my cats, one has diabetes and the other two were way past due for everything and I figure as long as I was taking care of all of my real sh#t in life I should take care of them too. I may even figure how to attach a photo to this blog (my first ever) and it will be a cat I may do that( I did it the tiny cat is Sylvia, the giant Pablo-Nigel not currently represented-could not get him to sign a release). The longer I live the more I realize that giving love to any living creature human, furry, yourself should give you the opposite of shame which is pride. SO here goes I say with pride...."I love myself, my creative, intelligent, sexy, glorious self. I love my supportive mother (who sometimes needs to be reconfigured to sound as supportive as she means to be), my brother Charles who is descent and just plain good, my sister -in-law Jonelle who shows up, my nephews Jack, Will and Ben who love my crazy self and are magical sprites in this world, and my three cats Sylvia, Pablo and Nigel who take up most of my bed and know when I am sad. I am thankful for my friends who have been there and the new ones I meet everyday, not every friend is there for the whole bus ride and some pop back into your life when you least expect it to remind us that real connections have been made in this life time no matter how short lived or brief. I love and am loved! Never apologize, never doubt. I have Cats!!" Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Sunday, January 3, 2010

"Rose, run with the bulls".......

remember when Leonardo said that in Titanic, that she had a fire in her eyes, you remember? Lately, I have been giving myself a little bit of a hard time to pick one thing, to make my life make sense on paper and frankly it gives me palpitations, then why do it you ask? Well it is a new decade, I am almost another year older and as usual things tend to slow up in the beginning of January and so as they say "idle hands are the devil's tools", so true. My nephew Jack asked me recently about performing, cooking, my general existence. Nothing gets more real than when you have to explain your life to an eight year old, so I said it....."Jack, some people have one thing and that is what satisfies them and I am not like that, I like to be creative and I like to say yes to any opportunities that feels right in my heart so I may never be one thing except well I will always be your aunt (awwww) and yes you probably will have an uncle one day." I couldn't go on about finding a right one not just anyone, even I have my limits for exploring my whole life in one discussion. You may know this and this is a bit of a ramble so bear with me, so far in my life I thought I was going to go to med school but instead went to art school, dropped out, owned an art gallery, turned into a wholesale glassware business, worked 15 different part time jobs, made stuff for tv set design, owned a little house, had a jam chutney business, started a little catering business,co-wrote a screen play and produced it, sold everything, moved to nyc, learned to blow glass, play guitar (sort of), studied improv comedy, started doing stand-up (love it), grew catering business (NYC+NJ), wrote and performed one person show "lady bug warrior", went to Scotland, moved back to NJ in order to afford to go to Scotland, started teaching weekly cooking classes (love it), still catering and performing, thinking about opening cafe in NJ which I would also still perform, maybe have shows at and teach at..that is some of the stuff so far and to think I am only 24, wow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic I always think "wow, is all of this because I have commitment issues?", NO, my brother is an accountant and has been since graduating college, he is married (only one wife), has a home, mini van and three great sons. He is also an adult child of an alcoholic and his life is pretty committed. I am creative and I have multiple talents, goals, etc, so I am never going to be one thing. Like my current "to do list" says- find a cute cafe with apartment above to live, write a funny/cooking/life book, date, get married (not to everyone I date but at least one of them), be a mom, have a tv show, travel more (like Spain), do great things for this world in secret (I love that - like sending people who need things- stuff anonymously - it makes me feel like than people don't have to waste their energy on thanks and can just pay it forward- like magic), grow my own food- I think the whole food chain where it travels 3000 miles and uses barrels of gas to get to me probably wipes out the vitamin c effect I feel (this is a little more long term), go be as healthy as I can with out wearing sweat suits as clothing but actually using them to sweat in. I think that is good for now. I am not a big fan of "resolution lists", I like to call them "to do lists" because the words "to do" seem more encouraging then resolute. Thanks for reading and hearing me out, I think everyone's life is a journey and some of you have been on this part already, are in it, have yet to know it or are just on a different trip all together regardless, have the best of everything and happy new decade!! Remember when people were stockpiling canned food for Y2K, oh we are sure silly sometimes. xo, Vicki