Sunday, January 24, 2010

performing, living, trusting your smaller gut....

So, since my last blog was about cats I had to go into hiding for two weeks from the backlash, my own I mean. Not true. So, I reached it, that point that feels even, like, not lonely, not overly delusional, not forcing conversations, not bull shitting myself, but still hopeful, optimistic, expecting the best----me. I found me, again, for the tenth time, I know you are thinking how lost could you get? Well, let's see to tally it up in for the good side...I am 28 pounds lighter than I was this time last year...ah the flashback of crying on a train platform waiting to head back to the city after I weighed myself not realizing my arse had exploded and begging a friend to call me the next morning to make me go to the gym...oh what a year. Wow, my debt was also a bit embarrassing and now down to a respectable figure that will be finished off soon. Said the unspoken goodbye to some friends, who's weight added to my hips more than either of us knew. I said hello to the possibility of like if not love again...funny things happen when you start to get your shape back....I realized yep I am in fact a hot least a luke warm one. What else I decided I would only perform for fun and or money... yes that means I am doing it less but it also means I love it more. I have embraced the fact I love to cook, bake, teach, create, and am actively looking for a cafe space to lease or buy in NJ...if you see an empty space please let me know..the criteria--does not have to look attractive, I am crafty and have a vision, it also has to feel safe enough that no one will throw a brick threw the window (I've looked at a couple of real winners). For the down side (the facts of life theme song is playing in my head) I have been surprised by some relationships I had in my life, the ones I met through performing I get some of them being not dependable because a group of people looking for reinforcement all fighting for scraps that don't even exist could make anyone lose their basic social skills and a bit of humanity (no I don't really get it but I accept it). Some old friends have returned and others have taken different shapes I don't recognize like ....I have to stop here I hate the bitter stuff it doesn't really fit. The point I am trusting my smaller gut and it seems to be working out fine.....I have faith that it will all work out the best way it is supposed to even if in the middle of it feels like as shitstorm of silly.....I will just turn up that Wilson Phillip's song and Hold on for One more day. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

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