Monday, September 28, 2009

so I wore a lady blazer.

I performed in a show on Saturday night at Eastville Comedy Club in NYC, it is a fun monthly show produced and hosted by Gerard Mignone and called "That time of the month", I wore a lady blazer. I have two ways of thinking in my brain, the first confident people look put together and care about their appearance and style, the second confident people don't give a f*ck and look how they want which could mean shitty if they feel like it. These are two completely different ways of thinking- oh brain let's get it together. (I like to include my internal monologue whenever possible and yes I am aware that no longer makes it internal but I can't help myself)
So right now I am wearing horizontal striped sweats (that I have slept in and never have been seen in by other than cat eyes or a food delivery person while I was also wearing a trench coat).
This past Saturday I made a slight effort (a little more than slight, I played home version of project runway), I hemmed these pants I found in my closet, the same ones I kept trying on in a rush and would always say "too long" and then put them back, I wore a shirt that was low cut, purple, and frilly and was also once a cute too short dress I bought and never wore (so I shortened it to shirt length), a lady blazer that was fit in a way that the show "What not to Wear" says to wear it, oh and four inch sexy heels. That was an effort. I felt good, confident, and I also said the words "lady blazer" 8 times during my 10 minute set, it was funny and not planned. I can do confident, I just can not do cool and confident. Cool is a trait I don't wear well, aloof forget about it, not in this lifetime.
When I lived on the Upper East side in Manhattan I would see these woman who had stone faces, Prada Shoes, and perfectly blown out hair. They seemed invincible but as I watched them, me wearing my rocket dog sneakers, I would chuckle thinking I bet if I went over and said "aren't those last season's shoes?" would they crumble and feel inadequate? Here's the thing I think everyone has their own deal, they are afraid they don't have enough money, too much fat, not enough brains, the right shoes. I always think of myself as building from the inside out and my outward appearance as my final frontier. So, then there is the lady blazer. Feeling great has nothing to do with what other people say or what the reflection in that store window you pass on the street looks like. I have been deflated a bunch of times thinking I look great only to catch myself in a Macy's window thinking "what was I thinking?". Enough that is only glass and the reflection of light or what ever I can't remember I haven't been in an art class in years. The point is strength is something that comes from inside and the lady blazer is just the accessory. I am headed to my first WWF weigh in and I think I followed the rules this week so I think it is starting to work. I understand your weight does not equal confidence but I do understand putting my energy towards treating myself well is the perfect breeding ground for an incredibly confident sassy lady, or man, but in my case lady! I ALSO THINK THAT IF , caps by accident, get down to my goal weight, I mean when I get down to my goal weight I will wear a string bikini everywhere, to make up for lost time and maybe a lady blazer. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki

Friday, September 25, 2009

the moment it happens.

So yesterday I had new head shots taken (thanks Wayne). Wayne Robinson has taken my first head shots two years ago and well I needed new ones and he takes great pictures that are sexy and fun. Here is the thing, I think we are the people we think we are in our top five words to describe ourselves- mine are currently: cute, smart, quirky, hilarious, and good. Sexy is not in the top five, not in the top ten well just joined the WWF on Monday so sexy may move up higher in the list soon.
Wayne told me a story about this fun sexy lady he shoots who is shy at first and then he notices the moment she catches herself in the mirror and realizes "ooh I look hot" she then ends up proudly seductive and mostly naked. I think the sentence works for everything, once we realize we can be, we are it and sometimes it just takes someone else or something else reflecting it to get it. That sounds confusing.. I went on this blind date a couple of months ago and being out of the dating loop a while I had a mix of vomit and excitement happening at the same time. I got ready and wore these super high heels that to me scream sexy (and whisper ouch) , the whole time I got ready and did my hair, make up, I said this mantra that were my blind date top five "I am sexy, beautiful, hilarious, adorable, and fun". It was playing in my head over and over just like before I go on stage I play "I am the funniest F*cking person in the room". I parked my car and headed to the restaurant to meet my blind date still playing my "I'm so hot mantra", I passed this construction worker who did a "hmmm", so I said "do you think I look alright I have a blind date?". He then said, "you look hot", OMG it worked my mantra worked, "I was hot". I felt so hot on my blind date that I thought "you may not be hot enough for me", OMG, I know maybe a little less-----no maybe a hotter blind date. The point is I think of that construction worker, in this case, as an angel sent to reconfirm my truth "I am hot" which I needed some reconfirming because I did not 100% know it at the time. So that is true for everything like "can I do this job? I'm not qualified." well once you believe you are qualified you have the job or "I think everything is going to be fine" and guess what then it is. I don't know that I believe in any one thing completely however I do believe we control who we are by who we think we are and whenever I say "things are shitty", they usually are. I think I decided that being a super hero was important because I need to remind myself on the outside that anything is possible. I notice people tell you who they are by the words they say like the lady who tells you that "everyone is a bitch" ends up you figure out later she is the bitch. The real point, new mantra: I am sexy, beautiful, successful, hilarious and a Lady Bug Warrior!
Thanks for reading. happy day!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

old friends and the WWF

I have to admit facebook has helped me find an old friend that I lost touch with eight years ago. I feel two ways about this internet, lying about your age is over- thanks and I spend too much time learning things about people I don't even think about spending time with, why do I do it? I do think it is handy to look up "how to" of anything, like recipes my favorite is , I use it as a starting point for ideas very helpful. I also like to check my horoscope, only believing the good ones of course. I also joined the WWF the other day not the wresting federation just the weight watchers family, I am using their website to track my points etc, I am actually doing this for real not like another time I joined where I just ate crackers for three weeks and then crashed and burned quickly.
Due to the advance of the internet I have had full blown relationship with people in my head, from beginning to end. I will meet someone in real life, then google them then know everything, read their blog they made four years ago and forgot about, saw their little sister's wedding photos, found out they are a Republican and then we are over before we even began. It is funny I like to think that the universe has a plan but I can't believe the blue prints have been made by google. When I thought about writing this blog I thought, oh should I worry about what I write in case one day I become a senator? what, not happening. Then thought tell the truth, as I see it at the moment and who cares. So, boring or not my blog is all the truth. Oh yeah, so my old friend, his name is Tony and we met on a film we were both working on (wow 9 years ago) it was the same film set I met my last ex boyfriend on,oh well you take the good and then bad and there you have the facts of life. So, I had searched for Tony before, he moved to LA 8 1/2 years ago and well now he is on facebook so calling him later today. I also think he has been found in this universal plan to convince the tiny bit of fear in me to just move to LA already. He loves it and he was kind of my twin in a way, well at least in my mind. This blog entry was all over the place- to recap : internet good for some things, it is always fun to reconnect, WWF is going to work- day three, and have a great day!
Thank you for reading. xo, Vicki

Saturday, September 19, 2009

So it feels like Fall is here!

When the crisp air of fall arrives and the leaves start to lose some green I always imagine that I own the "Shop around the corner" in "You've got Mail" and I am setting up the UWS store window with autumn leaves and bails of hay. Stop it delusion, you are living in the real present world, remember? Oh that's right.The real me fights the urge to go apple picking, because the reality of paying $42 for apples versus $1.29 a pound at Shoprite seems wrong. The real me fights the urge to make jam out of everything, why am I really an 80 year old woman in a young, vibrant, 30ish year old body sometimes, why?
When I was eight years old my parents had some friends over, two other families, both with moms, dads and two kids each. I had this idea that we should not have a regular dinner but make our house a restaurant. This is one of the reasons why I loved of my Dad, he said, "sure why not?"
So I put a sign on the door that read "The Ferentinos Inn" and I made small menus that had the only things my dad made pizza bagels, shake-n-bake chicken, tuna melts, and spaghetti. I wore an apron and ran around taking orders and delivering food on paper plates. My brother and I always laugh about it now, considering we laugh about everything from our childhood now even the crazy stuff. We figure we survived so let's celebrate. The thing that always makes us laugh, is the fact that no one questioned why we had a fake restaurant and the fact that I was taking it very seriously at the time. Keeping water glasses filled and getting food delivered on time was priority. Once in a while I think , maybe I should open a real restaurant? I mean I have very small catering business that I run to support my dream of "world domination" and I cook pretty well but, actually I am alright with just the memory of the "Ferentinos Inn" being my only restaurant with my Dad cooking, my Mom confused and my brother and I laughing!
Happy Autumn, thanks for reading...xo, Vicki

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

a few lists...

When my life seems to be moving I make lists, usually on scraps of paper and sometimes in journals. From as basic as the grocery list to my long term life goals- I try to complete what is on my list. I once made a list on what I wanted in a guy, it started out the basics- intelligent, employed, kind and then became three pages long with specifics like: tells hostess "table for two" yet not controlling, will get up at baseball game to get snacks, that list may have gone too far.
So here goes my first blog list, please feel free to add a comment with your own list or wish. It will also let me know that people are actually reading this. I am thinking that government health care may not happen yet so, being uninsured, I think of this as free therapy.

MY WISH LIST- (I give myself up to 3 months or three years)- this list is in no specific order:

Do laundry (this is immediate)
Trust instincts more (always ends up true just sometimes self doubt sabotages- oh silly girl)
Smile it will all be great (remember it is all great)!
Eat more fruits and vegetable (either really good or really bad at it)
Email more clubs to do more road work.
Buy Cute jacket ( I am thinking red)
Sign with a legit agent
Great love (the one that should just find me when I don't look for it)
Fun love (the stuff that can keep me busy in the mean time)
Dress for me and have fun, no more plain jane!
In the moment right before something great happens hold on and don't doubt it!
Go to the eye doctor (I think I may need glasses or may have googled too much)
Stop any thoughts of people who live in drama (my list is too long to waste time)
Always feel pretty or fake it (until it works)
Always feel sexy or fake it (until it works)
Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the others gold (sorry girl scouts)
Sweat more (turns out my adrenal glands work so faster on that treadmill)
Lose my stubborn unwanted belly fat (I now have sparkling personality so job done belly fat)
Figure out where I really want to move to (this is a three month not three year plan)
Spend less on ??? (I don't know sometimes I feel like it disappears, money where are you?)
Make the world better (contribute more to the greater good)
Take my vitamins everyday (am pretty good just skip a day or two)
Buy cuter underwear and matching bras (I used to do that and well I need my sexy back)
To finish the screen play I am writing, go to Hollywood and make it (Just like Rocky)
Have my own tv show (I am thinking the Vicki Burnett Show)
Get a really good skin care regimen down (I tend to go through phases and buy new stuff often)
Buy a sexy red dress that I can act surprised in when people notice, "Oh this old thing?"
To live on the beach (I love watching the ocean)

That is it for right now, thanks for reading and please add your own wishes. You won't have to forward it to seven people in the next thirty seconds to make something magical happen at exactly 11:59 tonight- I secretly feel slight passing anger at friends who forward those to me, do what I do forward them to email addresses that you make up on the spot- like john1425@hotmail- how bout making new friends?. xo, Vicki

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mr. Big led me a stray.......

Here is the thing I can watch the same "Sex and the city" re-run a million times and if I look at the date it was first aired dis-belief comes over my face. Ahhh, I have to say my final goodbye to my own personal not that hot Mr. Big.
I am not sure if anyone is reading this however I think of it as a personal journal that I ramble a lot in. I recently ran my new one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" in Scotland for the month and will be tweaking it and doing it in NYC and LA (more info to follow). My show was my life, of how I lost myself and then found myself and ended up a super hero. It includes my dad, mom, first crush, mentions or includes the three serious (not always serious but long term relationships I had each 3+ yrs) and some other people who led me on my way for the good or the bad of it. That being said it is funny how I neglected to include my "not that hot" Mr Big.
I have to say this entry is fueled by the fact that I just watched "He is just not that into You" while on the treadmill (yay, my good voice won today!). So I decided I have to let him go for real, and realize he was never Mr Big (a fictional character who gave hope to the idea of - "what if true love brings us back together", eventually).
Here is my personal Serendipity (yes referencing that John Cusack movie which also helped foster some of my delusion)-
I grew up in New Jersey and my first love and HS boyfriend was a guy named Mike who was kind of a cheap version of Vanilla Ice- but he was my first everything and coming from a wacky home (both of us) we fit together and he became my best friend and boyfriend. When it was time to go to college, I cried the day I got into Mason Gross, the Art school at Rutgers, because I knew it was where I had to go. I had to stay in NJ because of the money.Mike and I stayed together, he was a year older and had dropped out of college and was living in NJ as well so that part was fine. I went off to my dorm in New Brunswick and day two met this guy named Rich who I immediately clicked with because we had the similar sense of humor and I was this super sassy 18yr old and he dug it. He also had a girlfriend and knew I had a boyfriend which made it easy so we can be silly flirty friends and not worry about it. Weeks went by and we hung out all the time (both of our bf/gf were back at their homes). we laughed, were flirty and never crossed the line. One day Rich shows up, after a weekend visiting his girlfriend, to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend and he loved me and if I wanted to get married he would marry me. WHAT???? He was ruining everything, I was torn. He was this guy I would hang with who made me be my best self well not made me but I would be. But, I was a good girl so I said, "I'm sorry I can't break up with Mike". Rich was crushed and our friendship got weird fast. We both dealt with it shitty and the next year I left school, with several notes, a video, and a wonder in my heart "did I make the wrong choice?" Rich and I lost touch, and Mike and I stayed together for four more years, I opened an art gallery, then my father became ill and past away and then six months later Mike slept with a bank teller. I was shocked, upset, and it was over. Soon after, for fun I started dating this hot body builder named John who was not the one but was a lot of fun. This gallery I opened was 5 minutes from Rich's parents house and I had an art opening of this Portugeuse artist (Rich is Porteguese). I thought of him again called his parents and left a message with his mom. Five minutes later my phone rang, it was Rich, he sounded shocked and excited. We met the next night for dinner and it was the same, except my heart was free and his was taken. He was living with this woman from Equador who was a grad student and they were planning on getting married. The next day he sent me flowers, and the insanity started again. I told John right away I could not see him again, feeling that was the right thing to do. Rich and I saw each other a few more times and he was torn and committed and I got that so I pulled myself out of the running. He got married and I went back with John. Shorty after I made a bunch of money and bought a little house in NW NJ and then shortly after broke up with John. A year goes by and I start dating Eben who is kind of a cool at first guy but ends up as someone I wished could be removed from my life like a relationship that,well kind of sucker punched my self esteem. We stayed together for five years, I tried to break it off a few times but we lived together and that is much harder than just dating. Feeling like shit one night, with Eben in the next room, I googled Rich and up comes a quote from that book "He is just not that into you" from him. OMG!!! He says "He has stayed in relationships that he was over because it was easier than breaking up". OMG!!! I find his email on line somewhere and send a brief, hello, hope you are great. Sure you have cute kids.blah, blah. Five minutes later I get an email back, pls call me tomorrow and his number. OMG!! The next day, even though Eben was a shit, I felt guilty so I drove to a food store parking lot to make the call. I dialed, Rich answered, same connection. I pretended to be in love and super happy (oh ego). He said little just asked me a ton of questions about my life. We spoke a few more times. He wanted to see me, but you see I felt like crap- was in a crappy place and was embarrassed to see him. I refused. Shortly after, I reach my breaking point and insist Eben leave. I pack up his stuff, and through tears he drives away. It is so weird it seems like the shitty relationships are harder to end. I am single a couple months and start feeling better. I get a job to work in this town I have never been , look cute and have had a great blow out (cute hair). I pull in this parking lot to have lunch at this place that looks cute and I feel like , Rich is going to be here, based on nothing what so ever, just a feeling. I park the car, head in and I see Rich at a table on the second level. I freak out and immediately head to the bathroom. I call every friend and no one is there. I make myself leave the rest room and sit at a table. I call the waitress over and ask her to send him a chocolate milkshake. Five minutes later, he is sitting in front of me, both of us in shock. He says, I have to go back to work, but have to meet you later , when ?Where? We meet later at a Starbucks and I find out Rich got divorced three years prior and he knew I was living with someone because he had called 2 years ago. I told him I just sold my house and was going to move to NYC or LA, he told me at the end of the month he was moving out of NYC. He also said he had a girlfriend and she was nice and caring and blah blah. I moved to NYC the day after Rich moved out. We had dinner once two weeks later and it was difficult. I tried to be light and fun and he was someone who seemed like life had tumbled a bit too much. I still wanted him, he was with someone new. We didn't speak but a year later I googled him again and his Kohl's wedding #2 registry came up. He got married again two years ago and up until recently he was my facebook friend (had to delete him). I always thought of great love as having this incredible story, like a movie or something.
I feel like I have paid any karmic debt of rejecting him the first time. I would say one broken heart gets canceled out by two weddings. Wow, this was a long tale of nothing really, I have probably thought of this story a dozen more times than the amount of time I actually have ever seen him. I am kind of in a point in my life that is "rock bottom real"- like I can't afford any emotional bologna to waste any more time, I can't afford these thighs anymore- they have served me well, however treadmill take them away. I also cannot be distracted by what anyone else is doing or pursuing- I have my own dreams and I need to implement them. Life is funny sometimes, I can distract myself with so many different things, and I don't just mean Bravo tv marathons- oh Nene! I am closing this story for good finally in my head. I am also challenging myself to finally get in shape, pay off any debt, move to a place which will further my dreams and aid in my happiness. Alright the timer is set.....Go!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I know I have this prejudice.....

So Ivanka Trump is getting married, nothing I feel nothing about it. My mother tends to read the newspaper aloud and so I now know about Ivanka and her country club wedding that used to be $250,000 to join and is now $150,000- Oh recession. I noticed a prejudice I had a few years ago and I am trying to get past it and figure out the root of it.
You see I like the Seinfeld show and I especially liked Elaine and when I found out that Julia Louis- Dreyfus's father was a billionaire I didn't think her dance was as funny. I know it is wrong as I said, I am admitting the problem and trying to deal with it. I admit it- "I don't count people's accomplishments who come from money as high as people who don't".
Here's my theory, could be totally wrong and no one may be reading it anyway, so here goes we are told who we are from birth. So if you are a Prince or an Heiress you probably don't have the inclination at age 12 to bag groceries, you feel above that not even above it, it is not even in your thought process nor should it be. People always say money does not buy happiness, true but I rather be a child in a shitty situation with a bowling alley than just a child in a shitty situation. This is seeming bitter...I think I have said it wrong, I like a story, I think people who have lived life appreciate joy more and feel empathy a little bit more.
So, how does this effect my daily life, well I made a new friend and I found out his parents bought him his giant NYC apartment and his family's company has him on the payroll, I know him and he is a nice guy- lucky him right. Here is when it gets sticky, he has tantrums and does not understand why people don't immediately respond to his emails- which I want to say well they are probably at work. I noticed success in the arts takes a few things- talent (hopefully), and tenacity. Sometimes it is difficult to afford tenacity and being on your family's payroll helps.
The reason why I want to get past this prejudice and figure it out- I am single, no way you are adorable, I know. Well single none the less, and I used to date men who had stories, who also tended to be socially retarded and I thought I had the insight to understand them because of their troubled tales. I have spent a few years shedding my troubled tales, figuring them out, figuring myself out, and to meet a guy who still wears his battle scars of life is exhausting and been there done that. I want to meet a guy who maybe had a happy childhood and still values hard work. Wow, or even a guy who just gets it and at least realizes his hang ups were cause and effect. I had one crush since moving to NYC and this guy is a comic and he had this crazy childhood (the old me intrigued), he would also wrestle me on the street and flirt like a 12 year old (the old me -wow I understand he never learned how to communicate with adult women). So in summation, I welcome a man who came from money, I will not think less of you. I also want to be incredibly successful, tv, film, etc and want children one day and that means they will come from money so I will try not to think any less of them either. Congratulations Ivanka (wow I am really getting over it)! Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Friday, September 11, 2009

My truth about 9/11...........

So I tried to begin this blog four different ways one with a phrase that sounded religious, the other very patriotic, the truth is today is a date we will never forget. It was heart wrenching, scary, shocking, and seemed to create this fog, at least in my head for a while.
Maybe I lived in a bubble but up until 9/11 I never thought of any fear that was in our country just in my own personal world, like my home growing up or when I got in a car accident when I was 18. I never thought of our country as a place that anything happened I felt like "I am proud to be an American because at least I know I'm free" (cue Neil Diamond song). I only thought of this country as, I'll say it "the greatest country in the world", because anything is possible.
After the initial shock, there was anger and fear (understandably). I find anger and fear to be my two worst emotions because I make the worst choices and get the worst results. In anger and fear we look for the loudest voice to guide us and feeding us more anger and fear we'll let you do anything (Bush twice). We had a color terror alert system. A bar graph that told us daily how afraid we should be. You get the point.
At that time I was living in NJ in a cute quiet town on a lake with my boyfriend at the time. He moved in about six months prior and we were relatively happy (no we weren't I was lonely and he seemed interesting and I knew deep down wrong guy and I am sure he knew wrong girl). So we both worked freelance, I had a glassware business and he worked as a sound mixer on tv and film. Shortly after 9/11 our incomes stopped, there was little filming happening in NY and my main client was a casino in Vegas and people were not traveling so no orders. I went into deeper panic mode and got five jobs, he went into "woa what should we do" the pot probably didn't help his motivation. Now I can't figure out why I got five shitty jobs rather than one decent one, it just made sense at the time when not much made sense. My first job of the day started at 6am where I worked at a bagel shop in town and yes though I swore it would not happen I quickly knew everyones coffee order. I knew no ones name but I knew "hi, large light and sweet, toasted sesame with butter". It was crazy this is the stuff that filled my head. I also worked feeding this women's 18 cats and charting how much food they eat, twice a day. She was there when I was but she needed help charting there food intake. I am not sure why but for $20 a day it somehow made sense to me. I worked at night as a telemarketer for a chiropractor. I would call people and give them free Chinese food if they would listen while eating about this chiropractor. That seems so silly now, but back then I was afraid. Afraid I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage, afraid I would be alone if I made this troll leave (that's not nice), afraid. I don't attribute any one thing to losing myself just knew that hiding food wrappers under my car seat from myself made sense. I got stuck, I wore sweat pants as clothing, I'll admit it I stayed in a verbally abusive relationship for four more years, because if you feel worthless you get worthless.
I didn't lose anyone immediately close to me on 9/11 and my heart goes out to the families, friends, etc who did. I just know, for me, the few years following were pretty fearful and numb.
Thank you for reading and love, Vicki, finally unafraid! Lady Bug Warrior

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A few years before straightedge...

I was in NYC last night and performed a wee bit (Scotland flashback) and then saw some friends at a bar next door. Here is the thing I always feel embarrassed to say it and try to change this statement on occasion but for the most part (duh duh duh) I don't drink. I know I always feel the urge to make excuses for it like, I am really bad at it, long day, not tonight. But the truth is I have had about three drinks this year and did not finish any of them. On occasion I convince myself well maybe you'll love it but the truth is I never do I go in like "yeah ok something fruity" and then five sips and I am buzzed and feel the urge to abandon my drink on the corner of the bar discreetly.
Maybe it is a control thing, kind of like the way I hate to fly, if they would just let me in the cock pit I would probably be calmer. It started early I mean typical comic story my dad was an alcoholic, not just any alcoholic I mean it was his career. His career being all he did was drink.... anything: vanilla extract, cough syrup, rubbing alcohol (not advised he went into a comma my freshman yr of college but recovered), and anything he could get his hands on that had any bit of alcohol in it. I saw a man be two people a sober funny loving dad (18%) and the scariest person I ever met who destroyed our family and himself (82%). He died of a brain tumor when I was 22 and I changed his diapers at the end and fed him chocolate ice cream. That is when I realized this man was searching for peace and his only way to get it was to leave this life, and so he did. So that was my earliest impression of alcohol.
My teen years I was rebellious and had my own mind but I never drank or did any drugs. I never developed a liking for it so by the time social drinking came around I was not really interested or good at it. I am not against it just never think about it. I do think frozen strawberry magaritas are yummy, or mojitos or proseco but never do I think about it, I think more "wow if I order french fries with cheese and gravy and not eat lunch or dinner does that equal out". If alcohol was chocolate I would be dead by now. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

So I may have eaten 12 doughnuts......

Well, I tend to be a women who says "what did I learn from this situation? and how can I change it for next time?" as I inhale an entire pizza secretly in a dark corner. So needless to say those coping skills have added to some stubborn unwanted belly fat. Trying to pursue my dream of ruling the world, this extra weight is just weighing me down so it has to go. Which means I have to be honest with some of the closest of relationships in my life. OMG. I know it seems easy considering I tell perfect strangers my most embarrassing moments in life on stage you think it would be easy to say to someone I love, you really hurt my feelings or I don't think that is fair. You see I was raised knowing one truth, if you are not bleeding you are fine, go back outside.
Well yesterday I may have eaten one dozen Entemann's mini donuts, alright no may, I did it. The night before I heard a loved one trash talking me on the phone well maybe not fully trash talking but just being petty and instead of saying a word I woke up with dried chocolate glaze on my neck. That was as sad as it sounded. So today in order to avoid any drive-thrus (my personal favorite, why do they even have a place to sit, it should just be a giant place with multiple lanes and a bathroom), I decided to confront my loved one. Confrontation (wow I must be maturing) has not always been my strong suit and in the past whenever I do it I stop in the middle and say out loud, "wow I can't believe I am standing up for myself" which sometimes negates everything I just said the prior minutes. Well, not today I said my truth and they got it and we made a mends which made the clouds part and daisies spout, not really but I didn't feel the urge to add chocolate syrup to my coffee which seemed completely logical prior to our chat. I am also (thanks Wayne) having some new head shots taken next week and having a french fry stuck to my face is not what I am going for. I am a super hero, just like everyone else, I just forget it once in a while. Keep fighting the good fight which means "NO I don't want any ice cream". Yes I believe we are beautiful and sexy any way we are I just want to feel as sexy as the nail polish name I am wearing which happens to be called "hot whore". Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Figuring out my life oh and 12 doughnuts and a can of pringles

I decided to give up my apartment in NYC in order to go and do the Edinburgh Fringe festival, so I packed up all my stuff and moved to NJ to the house I grew up in and live (temporarily) with my Mom. Well the first little bit before I left for Scotland was pretty great, focused on my show, saved money on rent and put off thinking about the entire rest of my life because I was focused on Scotland. So I went to Scotland for the month- you can see prior posts to see how that went (it went well). I came back and am now starting week 2 of "you better figure your life out soon Vicki" , my internal monologue.
You see, I did not grow up in the house that was filled with the smell of cookies as I opened the front door after a long day at school. I grew up in the house that I plotted to escape since the age of 12 (when I got my first job and my first taste of money=freedom). So now being in my 30's and moving home for the first time since I left over a decade ago is well a sure fire ego out the window move. I am thankful and starting to save (sort of).
Besides the money thing, it is the "where do I want to live?" element. I moved to NYC three years ago and loved it, I skipped I felt like the Mary Tyler Moore Theme song played everywhere I went, I found me. But the last six months of living in NYC, I realized my money was vanishing my spirit was breaking and my heart well kind of on auto pilot. So, I started to look at my wish list and doing my one person show was on it so I wrote it and started to perform it, now starting to figure out perfecting it and finding a new home for myself.
My thoughts......Astoria, Brooklyn, LA......a farm in the middle of no where???? If I were completely honest I kind of know LA is next, I just would have to have the funds, confidence and fully healthy happy self to start over again. I think LA because in my head I make these rules that are based on no fact what so ever like- rule: I learn in NYC and do in LA, rule: when I am a fully happy and open , love will find me I don't have to look for it, rule: people who seem mean are really weak and people who are kind are super strong. So, LA may win, just have to stay in NJ for a few months to amass a fortune that will be enough for a one bedroom apartment and a little car (not too hard). Just waiting for another person from craigslist to show up and buy some more of my furniture----trying to get down to four boxes of belongings , no matter where I move to, do not want to rent another U-haul. xo

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am back and admit I am a bad blogger in foreign countries

So, I am back, actually came home two nights ago. Edinburgh was a magical experience, I know magical is a big word but it was it made me more confident, think a bit and feel like this is a great big world out there filled with people who are all pretty similar. I walked past a beautiful castle everyday and had coffee surrounded by people with lovely accents.
So the down sides- cost a bunch of monies (knew that going in), sometimes late at night the city seemed like it was filled with youth that were one beer away from fight club, had one terrible review "called me a wanker" that for about a day and a half made my sould die a little bit, I handed out over 6000 postcards during this time and thought "wow I should do this for a living".
The up sides- I lived in Scotland for a month and visited Rosselyn Chapel (from the Divinci Code), met amazing people, performed my show straight for three weeks and people got it- laughed, hugged me and had fun, I also formed friendships that will hopefully stick with talented wonderful people, I saw the Chippendales (I have been single a while and started thinking, are my lady parts broken?)- well thanks Chippendales they are not!, I left for Scotland at a cross roads and feel like I now know what I need to do next, and I did have some amazing reviews that reinforce most people get it.
I think I will blog more frequently now so if you are reading this, thanks.