Sometimes I have that feeling as I click in my seat belt that I am in control of it, that life is here going, “hey enjoy me, live me, don’t sweat it, you are driving.”It feels amazing. The wind is in my hair and I am coasting and anyone or thing that would sometimes cause me to slow down or catch my breathe, disappears. Life just flows.
Lately, life has been flowing, don’t get me wrong I am seeing the obvious stuff wrong, the world, family health issues, my Talbots’ charge bill, but none of that is shaking me. I am coasting, in love, with me and another (new girlfriend I heart), feeling and doing as I wish and happy. I exhale and for a second I see the speed bumps and I almost let go of the wheel and let them become bigger than my happiness but instead I choose not to let that happen. I choose to stay on course, not wear someone else’s fear, I choose happy. I think my driving analogy is because my girlfriend finally convinced me to use the West side Hwy, a fast route around the city that I avoided since living on the west side for no logical reason, turns out it saves a ton of time and I avoid all my internal road rage of going up Tenth Ave, I digress.
Choosing happy, I like it. It fits, I want it for a while, possibly for forever. Such a simple thing right? to see the blue in the sky instead of the bird crap that just landed on your freshly dry cleaned sweater, to trust that what you feel is the way it is and any fears you have are just rumbles from the past that interrupt you as you are trying to dream and live and probably someone else’s fear to start with, like your parent who drilled in you “dream big but just don’t ever leave me” and then finally at 37 you do. Happy? I have visited many, many times in my life and probably seemed like I was a permanent resident before with my rainbow jumper and my shiny mary janes but those were just the sparkling accessories that shouted “see I belong here, I am filled with so much joy my clothes are even vomiting it every where. “ Well turns out even girls with shiny shoes can feel shitty and numb. Not me, not this time, I feel thankful and happy. I am not even letting myself think my old stuff like, “life is feeling great now probably get hit by a bus” or waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am daring it, I am admitting it out loud......I am happy! So why write about it in the middle of the night? Just a few of life’s rumbles woke me up out of a sound sleep and I tried my old approach of, “well why is this popping up in your life, what does it mean?” BS way of thinking which is a sure fire way to curtail my smile. Instead I am just doing that....letting BS be BS and joy be joy and as I breathe in and out I realize I do my work. I drink the water (mostly), help the lady across the street, put on my oxygen mask first (that took years to learn), and I choose happy. Thank you for reading and be happy, enjoy spring! It is coming, I promise. xo, Vicki