Thursday, October 21, 2010

Thank you Baby Jesus.....

I mean it, I love the whole Jesus story, not sure fact or fiction sometimes, but I love the: love one another, and the biggest one FORGIVENESS!!! I avoided watching the Passion of Christ and then one day woke up in the middle of the night and turned on the telly and there it was. It was gruesome and graphic and at the end (spoiler alert) when he said "I forgive you", I thought "Jesus you're killing me, really you forgive them?", but he did. If anyone one is reading this and religion forces some sort of gag reflex don't worry the rest of this entry is about good hair, drama and new shoes, oddly enough I am sure someone's religion.
I am basic as far as personal relationships, I grew up in crazy town, an abusive alcoholic father, a mother in denial and all this drama. My brother and I banded together, protected each other and turned out fairly healthy, happy, etc (don't just believe me--believe my High School therapist). The point, so we both realized we didn't choose this drama, create it, etc..... we just had to survive it and thrive. Wanting to break that cycle I have done the work, recognized the bad stuff etc and try to avoid it because frankly life will hand you a shit load of stuff you can't control like illness of loved ones, accidents, and anything that comes your way that was truly unexpected and not prepared for. I like my craziness to come from my success and dreams, like achieving goals and pushing myself but personal relationships I like regular. I never did drugs---- BORING, I have always had long term monogamous relationships---BORING, don't really drink---BORING, so when I found myself in someone else's crazy town mixed up confusing relationship a few months ago I thought "How the f*ck did this happen?". I knew this couple, one moved to the west coast, the other stayed here, the one who stayed became my fast friend, it felt like hot pursuit. They even put together my Ikea furniture for one has ever done that, that did not want to sleep with me. I admit I never think people are interested in me and then they take their pants off and I am like "oh this was a date?" but besides the pants thing Ikea furniture has been my other tell. They don't even have words in their instructions, just line drawings so Ikea furniture assemblage well it means something. It was a wacky summer of, do they like me? why are they always talking about sex with me? anyway time went by I finally gave in and let my heart fall for them----not my panties---just my heart. It was so intense and insane and well I was out of my comfort zone and it made my head hurt and then my heart. About a month ago we stopped speaking, it got too hard, but last night I saw the girlfriend from the west coast, by surprise, and yes "THANK YOU JESUS", I looked great, just had my roots done, a good blow out, a new shirt (no powdered sugar on it), cute wedge boots. She came over to say hello and I was unsure how this would play out. I was confident, honest and clear. She had sad eyes and looked guilty. I felt kind of like this couple invited me over to their back yard only to find out it was filled with pot holes, dirty bath tubs, and hypodermic needles and I tried to clean it up and got dirty myself. I said "I am a simple gal and want simple joy and happiness and am doing great---I don't like crazy". She said "everything is always crazy". To some people I think it is--for me, I don't want it. I am too busy, I am building an empire, caring for my mom who has had some recent health issues, trying to get healthier and stronger myself, and I am finally open again to meeting a nice person. Crazy---you can keep your crazy! I know that Jesus may not have found little ol'me and made sure I didn't have donut crumbs in my hair last night, however maybe some human angels that walk among us who said "Vicki, you work hard, you should take care of yourself" or the ones who help me stay strong during times of adversity - my friends- for those I am always thankful. Thank you for reading! xo, Vicki

Sunday, October 17, 2010

F*ck cool.....

Stop I know so shocking, I swore with a little star thing, probably has a real word for it, but again I went to art school no English required. Those four little letters always get me, ahhh COOL, I used to love cool and find cool people mysterious and aloof but the older I get and the more I get to know these people I just think of that other four letter word ......LAME. Lame, exactly I mean alright I will give you Sting, I think he was probably born cool and no matter what even during his awkward tween years he was probably still cool. So other than Sting and maybe Prince before all that symbol Bullsh*t (again with the star), cool to me is nothing to aspire too and after the age of thirty you should run from cool, Run Forest Run! An uncool fictional character who was pretty f*cking awesome if you ask me, and if you are reading this than you probably would. The single mom who works three jobs to keep food on the table is cool, the person who gives without asking to receive, Cool, the part of you that reminds you to live with dignity, self respect and honor is the cool in all of us. Wow, I have had an amazingly busy past couple of weeks so this blog entry is being brought to you by overtired no sugar coated hopped up on coffee me, my cool me. The one who sometimes trips, falls, cries, laughs, smiles, spills jelly on my shirt, dreams big, says hello, tells too much, laughs too loud ME! And according to my nephews I am the coolest of the cool so there you have it. I realized this bit of my "f*ck cool" attitude when I was comparing notes with a friend. We both liked two different people, these two other people seemed mysterious and cool, we both found our selves nervous (not a norm for either of us), we also found ourselves feeling not up to par, self aware, etc. We both shared the same ahh-ha moment, these people weren't cool or interesting they were librarians in John Lennon's clothing. They were boring and uninspired and their aloofness was because they actually had nothing to say or going on and they were too busy deciding in life what they thought was cool that they missed the whole point. The whole point being my best memories so far are the messy ones, the real ones the unexpected ones, my favorite people are the true ones, the honest ones, the solid ones. Cool is cotton candy, I want and Apple! Thank you for reading....xo, Vicki