And Now The BOOTS!

I forgot to mention them last blog entry...sorry I got preoccupied with my sexual identity which I neglected to do for years...sorry the boots. They are cute three inch chunky heel brown suede boots that have nice laces and are tough in a very sexy way.So that was the boots.
It is soooo amazingly funny to me the instant I decided to stop believing my own bullshit, I couldn't stand to listen to anyone else's. Like I have a bullshit detector built into my head now and mid sentence I want to interrupt someone and be like, I hear it, you hear it....your spreading bullshit. Like that card game, you just yell it out. It is almost involuntary, I see the text, the email of someone lying to me and really just lying to themselves and I want to just cut to the chase and be like, STOP IT. Just tell the truth, be you, whether it be shitty, or good, or on your way to better. I get it, believe me I was shouting about being a super hero for a few years but forgot to be me, truly me but since I am me now and overly vulnerable, ready and willing to tell the truth no matter what, confident in my actions, and honorable in my actions I say ----NO MORE BULLSHIT!!! Believe me it never helps, you think it does because you put a pretty bow on it, or you cut your bills into snowflakes for the holidays, or you just inhaled an entire cake but feel empty inside, or you prayed to a G*d while you stepped over a body. None of it matters or gets better until you get real. Wow....that is scary. REAL is so scary. Like admitting you can't afford something (oh my what will they think), or you don't like something (they make think I am bad), or that you want something (selfish). Bullshit never looks pretty under a Christmas tree but a paid visa bill, an open heart, a sincere apology.....priceless. Love yourself and be Real. AHHH, that felt good. Have a great day and go get some cute boots, thank you for reading. xo, Vicki

I just bought the cutest boots oh and I'm gay!

Wow, I just have to say it......I'm gay and I mean that in every possible way. Now that I fully admit it, I feel like I want a sticker, a megaphone and a billboard but instead will take my blog entry. What happened Vicki you lose some weight, do some comedy, give up on men and think you're gay? Believe me I have tried to wear that lie too but it doesn't fit. Five years ago I started a journey, sold everything I owned, broke up with a guy (I tend to refer to him on stage as a Hobbit--come on he was short and didn't have a job), and moved to NYC to find myself again. I spent a bunch of cash taking guitar lessons (Yes Tracy Chapman and the Indigo Girls), learned to blow glass, started doing stand up, and started to shed a bit of the stuff that I learned as someone who felt less valuable than others. I know, me the lady bug warrior, less valuable. You see I always believed I could do anything, be anyone, professionally, goal oriented, hard working, successful but personally, personally I decided that I should just find someone (a guy)who wasn't awful and , well it would be fine because everyone doesn't get everything, right?
This past year though has felt more like the real work, the most productive part, the most honest part. When I started this I remember telling my accountant brother five years ago that I lost my sense of happiness and wanted to find it. He was confused to say the least, with his three little kids, two mini vans and a mortgage payment my "happiness" seemed a little like a luxury even to me. Sorry, I am getting off the point, me liking ladies. I wrote this show last year called "lady bug warrior" and it was about every shitty thing in life that happened to me, abuse, relationships, etc and still showing that despite it life did not drag me down and I was still happy and strong. I did this show for a month and after it I came back to NJ (where I lived for a year to save some cash, etc) and decided I told my story but why not live it, why not really be that powerful, be that strong. So I stepped it up, no more lying to myself, no more eating to feel numb, no more letting people treat me like I felt about myself, etc......be honest with ME. I know brave right? So I did it, I shed about 60 pounds, I was bold and spoke clearly in business, life, etc. I started to feel like that girl who I was when I was 17 and tough, sort of. If you know me and have met me over the past few years you will know when I tell my story, I always talk about my art gallery, or childhood stuff, 80,000 margarita glasses I made, gourmet food success, but love I always leave that part out. Then I hear someone else tell their stories and their relationships are their time lines. I never realized that till very recently. Recently I have kind of realized everything, which is probably why I am awake in the middle of the night, these Oprah ah-ha moments, well they can hit ya at any second. No the gay thing is not the ah-ha moment, it is kind of the opposite, it's the "really you never realized it, are you serious?" moment.
As far as I can remember "girls were better",my mom was my hero, I wanted to marry my friend on the play ground, in the third grade, up until the school aid told us girls could not marry each other, (this is going to be a giant run on sentence just to warn you), I wanted to be the boy in grade school everyone liked, I even faked a lazy eye to get glasses in the fourth grade because he had glasses, I thought I had a crush on him but no I wanted to be the one that all the girls liked too, and when he asked me to be his girlfriend I was startled and told him "my mom didn't get married till she was 25 so no", I never liked boys that didn't like me first and at sleep over parties no girls brushed my hair and I felt crushed, I followed the pack and whoever everyone liked, especially my closest friend, well then I liked him too. By the time High School came around, I was a goth kid, wore all black, into art (needless to say everyone I was friends with my freshman year came out eventually) but not me, I was artistic- "I marched to the beat of my own drummer"- as my mother always proudly proclaims, I stopped being goth after my freshman year but stayed with art, and was the only girl for three years in my woods and metals class. I was hot, I felt fearless, guys would call my house and I would tell my mom to tell them "I died"--I would literally have her tell them that (sorry that is kind of funny- because she would say it, well say "my daughter told me to tell you she's dead" sorry I digress), I loved all of my short haired female art, English, and social study teachers I had and they loved me too (probably in a different way then I realize now), but they all befriended me, we did lunch, did blacksmithing internships together, they were smart, together women I respected. So, didn't I go- "I'm gay", no in High School I went to therapy to get over my father's abuse, I never drank or did drugs I never was experimental or risky. I was driven, I was the one who my mom leaned on, I was her date since the age of twelve, for work things, for whatever. I remember, my junior year of HS (still not kissed a boy- or anyone for that matter) and I was at a dance with my best friend. We would dance like crazy, I never even noticed the guys, but she hooked up with one and I was devastated, I literally could not believe she was "so morally bankrupt" or in reality she was cheating on me nothing ever ever happened with us" but to me she was "more" only I never articulated it to myself. I remember my junior year in HS I took all these nude photos of myself and would fight with my male photo teacher and he told me I hated men and was a lesbian. I thought that sounded preposterous and of course went running to my female art teacher I adored , who entered my nude photo in a Women's art contest and I won, just saying. So by my junior year, my best friend had a boyfriend, who I of course hated, and then while hanging out with a different friend, I met a guy, he was nice and I thought nothing of it. He called me and we spoke for hours he had a crazy childhood too and we bonded, I told him about my abusive alcoholic father and he told me about his mom dying and his dad leaving. I felt connected to him in a wounded way and we went out, I looked cute I had short shorts on and a wide belt and well we laughed he was funny and I didn't even think about getting physical, because it never dawned on me. I remember reading this Madonna book and being turned on, or "Some kind of wonderful", --"all I care about is me, you and , my drums", or the "legend of Billy Jean" and being like "they rock" but never did I connect it, sorry got carried away. The point by date 3 or four he tried to kiss me and I said---"you can feel me up but just don't kiss me", sorry at the time I "knew" it was because I was insecure about being inexperienced, not because (note the sarcasm) I had no desire to kiss a boy. But I fell for him and I would ask my "straight" girlfriends how to do things, and what men wanted. I mean I fell in love with him, though never sexually pleased or really like me. Right before he left for college my senior year, we decided we would lose our virginity together, the day before I felt I had to tell my best friend though we hadn't spoken in forever because well she started the whole boyfriend thing to begin with, anyway I found her shopping in the mall, I literally tracked her down. This was before cell phones...I was basically Magyver. I told her, "I had to tell you I am losing my virginity tomorrow", she said, "okay", and that was that the next day I did it twice, ate chinese food and decided I was in love with my boyfriend and sex was interesting. We stayed together I went to art school in NJ and was devastated to find out I could not afford to go the Art school at the University of SF or RISD because of money. I remember in college seeing demonstrations about "gay pride" and I remember thinking shouldn't sexuality be private, well it was for me, very private. I started to gain weight, I was in a car accident, my dad tried to kill himself, I dropped out of school, I opened an art gallery then found out my dad had a brain tumor, I became his legal guardian, went bankrupt , then my boyfriend Mike of six years cheated on me (this all happened over a few years) so questioning my sexuality, not at that time- to much life to survive. While at the gallery I met a guy named John who may have had the middle name oral sex (sorry I know dirty part alert), I was like, oh my goodness I have a clitoris, how fun is that. It was a lot of fun, I wanted to love him as much as he loved my clitoris but I couldn't because well he was a guy. During that time I remember three women who would woo me and bring me gifts and ask me when I came out? and I was always like, came out of what? I was clueless, I was an entrepreneur, I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me that I knew for a fact that I never wanted to marry which would always tend to throw a wrench in our bliss. I sold a bunch of art I made, closed the gallery, bought a little house and moved to a cute lake in Sparta, NJ. I lived there for a year or two and then met a little guy named Eben who was odd and artistic and he liked me and I was lonely. He moved in and I found out soon he was kind of shitty but by then I was so numb that I was okay with shitty. I was about 80 pounds over weight and was with a guy who's two last girlfriends were lesbians (came out after), I know he didn't turn me gay he just didn't need to be loved like I think someone should be he was shitty and mean and would tell me I was "physically repulsive". I had lost any sense of sexuality by that point and when I sold my house and moved to NYC which was one of my two options, my other one was to move to SF to study glassblowing. I chose NYC to stay close to my family. As soon as I got here, I got a fun hair cut, and took glass blowing classes, and wore all this jewelry made out of guitar strings, I started to shed some of my weight because I started to be happy again. A million people asked if I was gay, I of course was shocked and offended and could not believe it. I made no attempt to get very close to any gay women and only hung out with my straight gal friends or gay guys. Every time someone would ask if I was gay I would call my best friend and ask why did she think people thought that about me, etc. She would tell me, you're not gay. I figured of course she knew, she was amazing. So not gay, and not putting my hands in my pockets because someone told me that was a telling sign. I was defensive about it and tried to only wear dresses. Sorry it is so silly now to think about, I like dresses, I think anyone can wear a dress but that was me proving I liked guys. Unless of course any talked to me than I would tell them "I'm dead from the neck down" or something equally as odd. Eben surprised me in NYC a year after I was here and he was shitty, it took four days to throw him out and I regressed a bit lost a bit of my power. I performed stand up more and felt heard but I couldn't really hear myself and well a couple years went by and I did the "lady bug warrior" show and lost some weight and then did the show for the last time this past March 18th and I had a revelation and it made more sense, a lot more. I realized I totally wanted one of these girls, I felt sexy and more alive than ever. I came out to this lesbian couple to ask what to do and well found out what to do, and they were helpful at first but may also be great to be hired by the conservative reprogramming system because this has been a wacky summer of one of them away and the other one trying to get in my pants and only got into my heart, I digress. the point once i said it out loud my head almost melted and daily I was like, oh my gosh, my weight started to melt off, I like to call it my "almost lesbian diet", so I am a lesbian and have already had my heart broken and have gotten over it and recently met this guy who looked good on paper and I almost started to lie to myself again saying come on than you can do the regular thing and probably be happy, but that confusion made me want pancakes. I already came out to my family, a few months ago when my summer heart break was staying at my mom's house for five weekends in a row and well it seemed honest. My mom of course said, I want you to be happy and maybe you're not sure. But that is usually her answer for everything, like deny and support, it is kind of masterful. So why the need to blog about it in the middle of the night? Well this week I came out to a lesbian couple who are basically strangers (none of which tried to sleep with me , yay for that too much drama!), and I woke up the next morning like me, the real me, the one who may have taken a winding path to get back to me but I am here and I am queer and get used to it! Sorry I smiled as I typed that, not just because it rhymed. I have no delusions that glitter will now fall from the sky and everyone will get the gay memo and be beating down my door to just bask in the glory which is me. I know I have already lost some friends because of it and know that is not over and know that me questioning me makes some people uncomfortable with the idea that anyone would question themselves. That part I am used to by "marching to my own drummer and all". I am a small business owner and may lose some clients but they were probably shitty tippers anyway. What I gain is me, and I feel lighter and brighter than I can ever remember being. Honesty is awesome and I kick butt! LADY BUG WARRIOR!!! Thank you thank you for reading. xo,
Vicki

wow, five years ago.....invisible

So, Oct 30th marked the five year mark. Five years ago I lived in Northwest New Jersey on a cute lake, in a cute house, in a cute town, with a little hobbit. My dad was an alcoholic, I know who's isn't......ahhh in the middle of starting this I realize I don't want to write about it, I don't want to write about how I ended up in a shitty relationship and lost myself, then moved to NYC in the attempt to find myself, instead I want to write about how cute my new shoes are, no, they are, but no.
I teach cooking classes and the other night a guy asked me how he could gain weight quickly, he told me he already gained 30 pounds and wanted to gain another 30 pounds. He started to notice that when he gained the weight all these people who never noticed him before started to notice him. I said, "DONUTS!! no, I get it I lost almost 60 pounds and I started to notice people noticing me, etc, and recently I kind of fell off the wagon slightly but am getting back on, and realized it is not the size, it is the feeling. When you point your attention to yourself and treat yourself as an important valuable person who deserve respect well then the world notices too and follows suit. Like, hey world, I love me so you should love me." As I shared this five people turned around and agreed in unison, it was kind of amazing. I love when we share things with people but really also need to share them with yourself. Five years ago I started a journey to get back to myself and I thought it was something I could find on the outside like a new pair of shoes, I still love shoes, but really everything we need is already there on the inside of us, you can change cities, lovers, hairstyles, but the truth is we are the magic makers and the captains of our fate. I smile as I write this, I may forget that once in a while but I do notice as time goes by the amount of time I forget it gets shorter like my breaks from my true self become less and less and so in turn the amount of love I give to myself gets more and more. Ahh, sometimes I'm smart......though my punctuation may not reflect it. A brief message to the Vicki from five years ago that I still remind myself of today, "relationships in life should make you want to be your best self not make you feel like your worst version of yourself. Life is about reflection, if you love yourself you may see the people standing in front of you change faces and probably become cuter." and Ps to Vicki five years ago...."you're hot". That's it, thank you for reading! xo, Vicki

Thank you Baby Jesus.....

I mean it, I love the whole Jesus story, not sure fact or fiction sometimes, but I love the: love one another, and the biggest one FORGIVENESS!!! I avoided watching the Passion of Christ and then one day woke up in the middle of the night and turned on the telly and there it was. It was gruesome and graphic and at the end (spoiler alert) when he said "I forgive you", I thought "Jesus you're killing me, really you forgive them?", but he did. If anyone one is reading this and religion forces some sort of gag reflex don't worry the rest of this entry is about good hair, drama and new shoes, oddly enough I am sure someone's religion.
I am basic as far as personal relationships, I grew up in crazy town, an abusive alcoholic father, a mother in denial and all this drama. My brother and I banded together, protected each other and turned out fairly healthy, happy, etc (don't just believe me--believe my High School therapist). The point, so we both realized we didn't choose this drama, create it, etc..... we just had to survive it and thrive. Wanting to break that cycle I have done the work, recognized the bad stuff etc and try to avoid it because frankly life will hand you a shit load of stuff you can't control like illness of loved ones, accidents, and anything that comes your way that was truly unexpected and not prepared for. I like my craziness to come from my success and dreams, like achieving goals and pushing myself but personal relationships I like regular. I never did drugs---- BORING, I have always had long term monogamous relationships---BORING, don't really drink---BORING, so when I found myself in someone else's crazy town mixed up confusing relationship a few months ago I thought "How the f*ck did this happen?". I knew this couple, one moved to the west coast, the other stayed here, the one who stayed became my fast friend, it felt like hot pursuit. They even put together my Ikea furniture for me....no one has ever done that, that did not want to sleep with me. I admit I never think people are interested in me and then they take their pants off and I am like "oh this was a date?" but besides the pants thing Ikea furniture has been my other tell. They don't even have words in their instructions, just line drawings so Ikea furniture assemblage well it means something. It was a wacky summer of, do they like me? why are they always talking about sex with me? anyway time went by I finally gave in and let my heart fall for them----not my panties---just my heart. It was so intense and insane and well I was out of my comfort zone and it made my head hurt and then my heart. About a month ago we stopped speaking, it got too hard, but last night I saw the girlfriend from the west coast, by surprise, and yes "THANK YOU JESUS", I looked great, just had my roots done, a good blow out, a new shirt (no powdered sugar on it), cute wedge boots. She came over to say hello and I was unsure how this would play out. I was confident, honest and clear. She had sad eyes and looked guilty. I felt kind of like this couple invited me over to their back yard only to find out it was filled with pot holes, dirty bath tubs, and hypodermic needles and I tried to clean it up and got dirty myself. I said "I am a simple gal and want simple joy and happiness and am doing great---I don't like crazy". She said "everything is always crazy". To some people I think it is--for me, I don't want it. I am too busy, I am building an empire, caring for my mom who has had some recent health issues, trying to get healthier and stronger myself, and I am finally open again to meeting a nice person. Crazy---you can keep your crazy! I know that Jesus may not have found little ol'me and made sure I didn't have donut crumbs in my hair last night, however maybe some human angels that walk among us who said "Vicki, you work hard, you should take care of yourself" or the ones who help me stay strong during times of adversity - my friends- for those I am always thankful. Thank you for reading! xo, Vicki

F*ck cool.....

Stop I know so shocking, I swore with a little star thing, probably has a real word for it, but again I went to art school no English required. Those four little letters always get me, ahhh COOL, I used to love cool and find cool people mysterious and aloof but the older I get and the more I get to know these people I just think of that other four letter word ......LAME. Lame, exactly I mean alright I will give you Sting, I think he was probably born cool and no matter what even during his awkward tween years he was probably still cool. So other than Sting and maybe Prince before all that symbol Bullsh*t (again with the star), cool to me is nothing to aspire too and after the age of thirty you should run from cool, Run Forest Run! An uncool fictional character who was pretty f*cking awesome if you ask me, and if you are reading this than you probably would. The single mom who works three jobs to keep food on the table is cool, the person who gives without asking to receive, Cool, the part of you that reminds you to live with dignity, self respect and honor is the cool in all of us. Wow, I have had an amazingly busy past couple of weeks so this blog entry is being brought to you by overtired no sugar coated hopped up on coffee me, my cool me. The one who sometimes trips, falls, cries, laughs, smiles, spills jelly on my shirt, dreams big, says hello, tells too much, laughs too loud ME! And according to my nephews I am the coolest of the cool so there you have it. I realized this bit of my "f*ck cool" attitude when I was comparing notes with a friend. We both liked two different people, these two other people seemed mysterious and cool, we both found our selves nervous (not a norm for either of us), we also found ourselves feeling not up to par, self aware, etc. We both shared the same ahh-ha moment, these people weren't cool or interesting they were librarians in John Lennon's clothing. They were boring and uninspired and their aloofness was because they actually had nothing to say or going on and they were too busy deciding in life what they thought was cool that they missed the whole point. The whole point being my best memories so far are the messy ones, the real ones the unexpected ones, my favorite people are the true ones, the honest ones, the solid ones. Cool is cotton candy, I want and Apple! Thank you for reading....xo, Vicki

Food Glorious Food

So, I moved back to the city four months ago...really? No way? I know I can't believe it either.
Since I was a kid I wanted to have a restaurant, when I was in the third grade I made my first Thanksgiving turkey for Thanksgiving and before that I made my dad be the cook while I put a sign on our door that said "Ferentinos Inn" when my parent's friends came over and I would run around taking orders for tuna melts and pizza bagels. This story still makes my brother crack up but fishing with paper clips for army men still seems cool in his recollection.
Any way my food story --so yes, I went to art school for industrial design, I welded functional art, furniture, etc and dropped out and worked like crazy and thought at 22 I would open a restaurant but didn't have enough money so instead I opened an art gallery with still not enough money but it seemed easier. When I hit a streak of good fortune after a long spell of bad and I made a bunch of money at 24 I thought of opening a place again but instead bought a cute lake house in Sparta, NJ. Then at 32 when I had an "early life crisis" and wanted to live my own "Eat, Pray, Love", I thought I would open a place on the lower east side in NYC with the money I made from selling my house, but no, instead I took guitar lessons, improv lessons, glassblowing lessons, a lot of f$cking lessons. I have always cooked, I do it as therapy, an income, for friends and family when I want to say I love them, am happy, sad, you get the point. I started a small catering business 8 years ago and it has been steadily growing and two nights a week I teach cooking classes and today , yes today, I was cooking at a food show and someone offered me a head chef position. So the point, I can throw down, I am confident, curious, and I have a passion for it. So why not open a place in NJ and instead move back to NYC? I don't know why but, I did it. I realized recently why. I want my own "shop around the corner", remember from "You've got mail"? I want a place on the UWS. I want a cute, old style NYC place that smells of delicious breads baking as you walk in with square marshmallows in big old fashioned glass jars on the counter. I know but you are thinking, Vicki you should be a super star! Well, I am (to my three nephews). I found my voice again, I feel confident, have some control over my life, I tumble through with the bad and am thankful for the good. So, what next, winning the lottery? maybe. First step by November 1st, I will have a fancy new web site which shows my catering like now www.soulfullygood.com but also my mail order retail with my tasty treats with new fancy packaging which is being designed by fancy people. Not really fancy just labels that seem like me. I am going to keep saving, looking and redefining my dream. Yes, food may seem trivial to some but to me it means love, like the memory of my grandmother teaching me to make Greek bread is forever, and the smell of garlic reminds me of my father's garlic tomato sauce that was so many years ago but makes me think of my dad when he was alive, healthy and more importantly happy. I said no thanks to the head chef position today and I think this time my dream is actually going to happen, because I have grown up a bit more lately. I embrace commitment, fortitude, boring. I have had crazy, boring seems fun!!! I am being sarcastic by saying Boring, I really mean not as fun as the spot light, the applause, the fake glitter. You know what, I just got an order to make 3000 cookies for the Food Network Food and Wine Show and I will also be at the show cooking at in the main tasting area, not too shabby. So, I guess if I do what I like, have passion, a bit of talent and work hard my dreams can become a reality and I can learn, live and laugh along the way . Thank you for reading, this was not as dramatic as normal, but as I say to my cooking students---"cooking is fun, no one ever died over a cookie, so relax".
thank you for reading.
xo, Vicki

Thank you for reading my blog and more importantly telling me to write......

So, I went back to weight watchers, yay, down another 4 pounds totaling 56, yay! This week's topic was being able to ask for "what you need". I know how hard is that? I was always that kid who wore a smile and was polite while crazy stuff went on at home. I learned to put people at ease even if, by the time I was ten I would pray for someone to come and take me away, not calgon, you get the point. Sorry, every one has battle scars, the point is I learned to carry my load and sometimes other peoples and asking for help would probably be good, but wow? admit that I couldn't do everything in life all alone, balancing on one toe? What are you crazy? I am a super hero!
I sat at this meeting and a slight woman raised her hand and she said her name was Victoria and she had cancer and was battling for her life and she still came to weight watchers because she needed to keep some of her normal routine. She started to cry and say that she started to call people in her family, even the ones she didn't get along with to ask for help and start telling them what she needed. She was upset because she felt alone and her husband tries to help but she doesn't understand why everyone doesn't. WOW?? A light bulb went off in my head and I shared too. "Victoria, you are doing great, your name alone means Victory, believe me I should know, the older I get the more I realize you only get a small life boat of people who are on your team. There are a few people who will always be there, a family member, a parent, a best friend, but the other couple spots are sometimes being changed, maybe with a friend you know for a short period of time, or a stranger who makes eye contact with you and knows without even asking you need them to carry your falling bag. So don't feel alone, even in this room I know there are women who would help you, whenever you need it. The people you see who seem like they have a giant yacht filled with people, well that is all smoke and mirrors, they spend more energy than you have to keep that going. Focus on you and your small life boat will be there for you just ask." I can get preachy sometimes, and I know everything we say in life is really for ourselves and if it helps someone else at the same time all the better. As I left the meeting I saw Victoria, and I hugged her and told her she was doing great. She hugged me back and told me I was too. Tears weld up in my eyes as I walked away because I guess for that minute Victoria was in my life boat and I needed to hear that too. I am doing great. I had hit a speed bump for a second but now I am right back on track. As Rocky Balboa says---"It's not how many times you get knocked out that count, it's how many times you get back up."
So, watch out, I'm getting back up, because I too have a hell of a small life boat and I am thankful for them!!!
Thanks for reading! and thanks for telling me to write more (you are on my small life boat).
xo, Vicki

It's been almost 6 months? so much and so little.

Wow, I can not believe that almost six months have past since I wrote on this blog, not sure if anyone is reading it but some times some of my favorite people in the world remind me to write so for you, I write. Let's see the highlights I moved back to NYC, lost 64 pounds, opened my heart up to the possibility of love, I proclaimed sexual desires to a someone and scared both of us (they were very kind in an awkward situation), I bought the smallest pants I have in ten years, I found my voice and stood up to some bullies in my life.....Now the downside, I had my heart crushed, I gained back 12 pounds recently after eating pancakes ( more than a few times but heading back to Weight Watchers Wednesday to reach my goal), dealing with a mom who is not in the best health and I am being her voice, advocate and sometimes a misunderstanding daughter. That was the cliff notes now the meat of it.
I found my voice, my vagina, my courage, my fear, and I know a bit more but feel like I know less perhaps. I acknowledged a part of me I only recently realized after finding my sexuality again....I may like ladies, I say may because I have yet to test out my theory. I have tried and failed, turns out women are even more confusing than men and not everyone can clearly express their truth like I can (and this is nothing I am overly proud of I literally can't help my mouth). My ego left me years ago and admitting how I feel for the good or bad only has made me stronger but not everybody else is honest, forth right, clear. I hate that. The other day I was in the doctors office with my mom and an elderly man in his 80's came in as I waited for my mother's appointment to be done and this gentleman and I chatted. He told me I had a "knowing eye" and he then explained that he watched me make clear judgments of everyone that walked in the room with my eye movements and that not everyone can shoot from their gut and that is a gift. He also said it is probably because I have been around the block a few times and no one can con me. I agreed but I also said well no one but myself. So my gut instinct has brought me success, failure, heartbreak, love, insight, pure joy and a whole lot of life. The thing is I don't smoke, drink and have never done any drugs so pancakes seem to be my salvation and for the last year I gave them up and rolled with it, lost weight, paid off my debt, spoke up, and made adult choices (ahhh that sucks sometimes).
Several months ago someone drove through my mom's living room while I was watching tv with her in the next room, yes this is not a misprint, the 80 yr old driver stepped on the gas not the brake and flew through her living room window and landed in the fire place. It was the loudest sound I ever heard - like if you broke a bottle in your head. I thought the world was being folded inward and my mom panicked and I (being a child who grew up having to bob and weave) do great in emergencies so I had my mom call 911 while I chatted with the driver who was remarkably fine. Three weeks later I moved out, and two weeks after my mom moved in with my brother and his family and she has been deteriorating from post traumatic stress or something else (we will know more this week) ever since. If you have never read my blog, I was a visual arts major not an English major so run on sentences and poor punctuation, well a given. As of very late things have gotten confusing, for everyone. I have one brother who is great, two years older, married with three sons, etc always the athlete, the accountant, the practical, responsible, follow the directions type of guy who can handle life in a mostly non emotional way. I, on the other hand, have always been the march to the beat of my own drum, question authority, my mother's date and shoulder since the age of twelve, always been self employed successfully and unsuccessfully, fearless when it gets down to it. I may wear Talbots and not have tatoos (well a few but no one would know that) but I would throw down in a heart beat for the people I love in my life or for something I believe in with out caution, which is probably why my mom has of late relied on me to speak up for her and do what I think is best when she is not quite sure of what that is.
The other day I found myself giving my mom a speech from the movie Fightclub, telling her she still had fight in her and that she needs to be Brad Pitt and the truth is I was telling myself this. Recently I fell for someone, I did, someone who has a complicated situation and is basically unavailable and being the "righteous" gal that I am I never let any line get crossed except in my heart. I hate that, I grew up in a house where crazy stuff happened and yet I knew because my mom was a highly moral rock "to be honorable, respectable always to yourself", never allow anyone to make you less you because at the end of the day it is you who has to look you in the eye. AHHH, I know so boring, I see those people who are binge drinking, and being trashy and the life of the party and having fun and I am home, alone, googling recipes for blood orange marmalade. So, there is that, my mom's health, my up and down catering business, my sometime comedy performing, my pancakes, just threw them away, my crushed heart...wah, wah, wah. I know even typing this makes me mad at me. I am a single woman who is open to great love (turns out could be anyone), I love my family, I pray for my mom to get better, I have been writing this book about the last five years of my life (my own Eat-pray-love), mine took longer, but the five years end in about a month and who knows how this book is going to end (literally), I know that the truth sets you free but being honest with yourself sometimes feels shitty. My honest truth: sometimes I feel sad, happy, ecstatic, lonely, sexy, beautiful, fat days, mean, angry, frustrated, empowered, hopeful, fearless, successful, like a total f@ck up, a good daughter, a good friend, a crappy daughter, a crappy friend, like a super hero, in need of a hero, and once in a while nothing at all. I always followed the road less traveled which has been good and at times much less than good. I always feel like I take three steps forward and two steps back, lately I am getting over taking any steps back because even now my moms words are right "not everyone has to like me"-----except me and I have a hell of a lot of fight still in me-thanks Brad Pitt! xo, thank you for reading, Vicki

so I almost found it...no I found it.

Their was that entangle thing that you have or I had, I remember having it and being it and then I am not sure when I lost it or where it went or how it happened but all of a sudden it was gone. I know Justin Timberlake tried to bring it back a few years ago for me well for everyone but it didn't work until recently. Recently I noticed, sometimes it takes your reflection in someone else's eyes to remember who you are, and I appreciate that I finally saw it. It's spring time, I have lost 42 pounds, paid off my debt (officially done today) and I feel vital and dare say it Sexy, yay I am "I'm jingl'n baby". I know I am still a work in progress but I am headed in the right direction and finally really open to anything great that comes my way. It is weird when your life tweaks a tiny bit and you see things with a tad more confidence the dirt falls away and the sparkle shines a bit brighter. I am not saying I don't have a million insecurities but the fact is they are not even the first, second, or third thing that comes to my mind. I have worked hard these last couple years to find me again to strip myself of the crap that life itself had piled on. I am thankful and excited for the first time in a long time....about me. Thanks for reading! xo, Vicki

This is for you Hawaii.......

I know that at least 1-4+ people read this blog and I have been very bad at updating it lately so thanks to my friend Kea from Hawaii for demanding some more blog accountability. I imagined returning with an amazing story of travel and mystery but just woke up in the middle of the night to a crash sound and the power going out. I never get too panicked with emergency situations, I immediately grabbed my cell phone and a pen that I decided I would use as a weapon, of course, should a home invasion be in progress. The fact was my cats caused the crash and the power went out for a half an hour. I just put the pen down and laughed at myself. I like to wear dresses and as my friend Cathie B once said "The higher the heel the closer to heaven" but I also like to think that I am not afraid. I was always up for scuba diving, or para sailing but I admit a few years ago having to have a guy I was with stop a carnival ride (the Tea-cups) to be exact because I thought I was going to puke. I held it together but what changed was it fear, age, or wisdom? Maybe none of it, if push came to shove I would stand and fight for the right thing (I like to think), I can use power tools and feel self sufficient and not needy, I also now wear socks and coats in the winter and feel that that makes me smarter not less of a rebel so the point may be -don't write blogs in the middle of the night- No the point is smarter is braver. What?
I did Lady Bug Warrior show the other night in NYC, for the first time since Scotland, and the supportive audience that came was filled with some of my favorite peeps and I did a different show than before, not completely, but I didn't wear the capes or costumes, I wore a red dress and told my story in more details- the highs and the lows of life so far and it felt braver. It felt honest to the person I am right now. That's just it I feel like something has consciously changed in me- I think change is the wrong word, I feel more like me, a healthier more confident me. It feels good and yes I am knocking on wood to not jinx it all, but the truth is I feel like maybe this more confident gal isn't drawn to the glitter (fluff bologna) much any more but instead seeing a zero credit card balance is time for "hi-fives" and knowing I have a little savings and choosing to talk out my issues and have an apple rather than making funnel cake at two in the morning feels stronger. Not to get too deep, because I almost attacked my cats with a pen remember, but I believe the whole law of attraction thing and I think the words we use, and the actions we take dictate what is to come. Like when I first started writing Lady Bug Warrior- I spelled out where I was going not where I was honestly, when I wrote it and even performed it in the past my weight, my money situation, my plans were out of control but I knew the core of me the truth of me and what I needed to remind myself to be---to be my own "super hero" and this last year I have slowly but surely made steps to get to that place that believes it---IS it! This time I wore a red dress next time maybe sequins. Thank you for reading..I am going back to sleep.
xo.Vicki
PS thanks Kea!

performing, living, trusting your smaller gut....

So, since my last blog was about cats I had to go into hiding for two weeks from the backlash, my own I mean. Not true. So, I reached it, that point that feels even, like, not lonely, not overly delusional, not forcing conversations, not bull shitting myself, but still hopeful, optimistic, expecting the best----me. I found me, again, for the tenth time, I know you are thinking how lost could you get? Well, let's see to tally it up in for the good side...I am 28 pounds lighter than I was this time last year...ah the flashback of crying on a train platform waiting to head back to the city after I weighed myself not realizing my arse had exploded and begging a friend to call me the next morning to make me go to the gym...oh what a year. Wow, my debt was also a bit embarrassing and now down to a respectable figure that will be finished off soon. Said the unspoken goodbye to some friends, who's weight added to my hips more than either of us knew. I said hello to the possibility of like if not love again...funny things happen when you start to get your shape back....I realized yep I am in fact a hot lady....at least a luke warm one. What else I decided I would only perform for fun and or money... yes that means I am doing it less but it also means I love it more. I have embraced the fact I love to cook, bake, teach, create, and am actively looking for a cafe space to lease or buy in NJ...if you see an empty space please let me know..the criteria--does not have to look attractive, I am crafty and have a vision, it also has to feel safe enough that no one will throw a brick threw the window (I've looked at a couple of real winners). For the down side (the facts of life theme song is playing in my head) I have been surprised by some relationships I had in my life, the ones I met through performing I get some of them being not dependable because a group of people looking for reinforcement all fighting for scraps that don't even exist could make anyone lose their basic social skills and a bit of humanity (no I don't really get it but I accept it). Some old friends have returned and others have taken different shapes I don't recognize like ....I have to stop here I hate the bitter stuff it doesn't really fit. The point I am trusting my smaller gut and it seems to be working out fine.....I have faith that it will all work out the best way it is supposed to even if in the middle of it feels like as shitstorm of silly.....I will just turn up that Wilson Phillip's song and Hold on for One more day. Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

my truth about cats and......cats

I know, I know...I didn't mean for it to happen, but it did so I can't fight it any longer. I'm saying it, duh duh duh, I have cats. I know the stigma of being a single women in her thirties with more that one cat, more like 2.5 (one is very small so I rounded down), alright 3 cats, I said it, I am living in the now and I have three cats. I don't have any cat sweaters, figurines, hopefully my home has never smelled like cats, oh why all the shame? Enough with the shame, as my Birthday approaches I realize I may have said my last "sorry", like sorry I don't have a house, sorry my 401k is really 401 cleaner, sorry I couldn't, and sorry that you bumped in to me, and sorry I have cats. Done, I'm done with apologizing for adopting these furry friends who needed homes (one 13 yrs ago and the other 2 seven). Some reason when I lived with my ex boyfriend I never explained why we had three cats because having a penis in the picture some how took away the shame. Wouldn't that be funny if that were true for everything, like well oh my cell phone bill is late? well did I show you the penis? or oh my credit card is declined, that can't be true , did you see the? you get the point. I have been thinking about this a lot lately because maybe in the last two weeks I spent $1000 on my cats, one has diabetes and the other two were way past due for everything and I figure as long as I was taking care of all of my real sh#t in life I should take care of them too. I may even figure how to attach a photo to this blog (my first ever) and it will be a cat photo....no....yes I may do that( I did it the tiny cat is Sylvia, the giant Pablo-Nigel not currently represented-could not get him to sign a release). The longer I live the more I realize that giving love to any living creature human, furry, yourself should give you the opposite of shame which is pride. SO here goes I say with pride...."I love myself, my creative, intelligent, sexy, glorious self. I love my family...my supportive mother (who sometimes needs to be reconfigured to sound as supportive as she means to be), my brother Charles who is descent and just plain good, my sister -in-law Jonelle who shows up, my nephews Jack, Will and Ben who love my crazy self and are magical sprites in this world, and my three cats Sylvia, Pablo and Nigel who take up most of my bed and know when I am sad. I am thankful for my friends who have been there and the new ones I meet everyday, not every friend is there for the whole bus ride and some pop back into your life when you least expect it to remind us that real connections have been made in this life time no matter how short lived or brief. I love and am loved! Never apologize, never doubt. I have Cats!!" Thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

"Rose, run with the bulls".......

remember when Leonardo said that in Titanic, that she had a fire in her eyes, you remember? Lately, I have been giving myself a little bit of a hard time to pick one thing, to make my life make sense on paper and frankly it gives me palpitations, then why do it you ask? Well it is a new decade, I am almost another year older and as usual things tend to slow up in the beginning of January and so as they say "idle hands are the devil's tools", so true. My nephew Jack asked me recently about performing, cooking, my general existence. Nothing gets more real than when you have to explain your life to an eight year old, so I said it....."Jack, some people have one thing and that is what satisfies them and I am not like that, I like to be creative and I like to say yes to any opportunities that feels right in my heart so I may never be one thing except well I will always be your aunt (awwww) and yes you probably will have an uncle one day." I couldn't go on about finding a right one not just anyone, even I have my limits for exploring my whole life in one discussion. You may know this and this is a bit of a ramble so bear with me, so far in my life I thought I was going to go to med school but instead went to art school, dropped out, owned an art gallery, turned into a wholesale glassware business, worked 15 different part time jobs, made stuff for tv set design, owned a little house, had a jam chutney business, started a little catering business,co-wrote a screen play and produced it, sold everything, moved to nyc, learned to blow glass, play guitar (sort of), studied improv comedy, started doing stand-up (love it), grew catering business (NYC+NJ), wrote and performed one person show "lady bug warrior", went to Scotland, moved back to NJ in order to afford to go to Scotland, started teaching weekly cooking classes (love it), still catering and performing, thinking about opening cafe in NJ which I would also still perform, maybe have shows at and teach at..that is some of the stuff so far and to think I am only 24, wow. Being an adult child of an alcoholic I always think "wow, is all of this because I have commitment issues?", NO, my brother is an accountant and has been since graduating college, he is married (only one wife), has a home, mini van and three great sons. He is also an adult child of an alcoholic and his life is pretty committed. I am creative and I have multiple talents, goals, etc, so I am never going to be one thing. Like my current "to do list" says- find a cute cafe with apartment above to live, write a funny/cooking/life book, date, get married (not to everyone I date but at least one of them), be a mom, have a tv show, travel more (like Spain), do great things for this world in secret (I love that - like sending people who need things- stuff anonymously - it makes me feel like than people don't have to waste their energy on thanks and can just pay it forward- like magic), grow my own food- I think the whole food chain where it travels 3000 miles and uses barrels of gas to get to me probably wipes out the vitamin c effect I feel (this is a little more long term), go be as healthy as I can with out wearing sweat suits as clothing but actually using them to sweat in. I think that is good for now. I am not a big fan of "resolution lists", I like to call them "to do lists" because the words "to do" seem more encouraging then resolute. Thanks for reading and hearing me out, I think everyone's life is a journey and some of you have been on this part already, are in it, have yet to know it or are just on a different trip all together regardless, have the best of everything and happy new decade!! Remember when people were stockpiling canned food for Y2K, oh we are sure silly sometimes. xo, Vicki