Wow, I can not believe that almost six months have past since I wrote on this blog, not sure if anyone is reading it but some times some of my favorite people in the world remind me to write so for you, I write. Let's see the highlights I moved back to NYC, lost 64 pounds, opened my heart up to the possibility of love, I proclaimed sexual desires to a someone and scared both of us (they were very kind in an awkward situation), I bought the smallest pants I have in ten years, I found my voice and stood up to some bullies in my life.....Now the downside, I had my heart crushed, I gained back 12 pounds recently after eating pancakes ( more than a few times but heading back to Weight Watchers Wednesday to reach my goal), dealing with a mom who is not in the best health and I am being her voice, advocate and sometimes a misunderstanding daughter. That was the cliff notes now the meat of it.
I found my voice, my vagina, my courage, my fear, and I know a bit more but feel like I know less perhaps. I acknowledged a part of me I only recently realized after finding my sexuality again....I may like ladies, I say may because I have yet to test out my theory. I have tried and failed, turns out women are even more confusing than men and not everyone can clearly express their truth like I can (and this is nothing I am overly proud of I literally can't help my mouth). My ego left me years ago and admitting how I feel for the good or bad only has made me stronger but not everybody else is honest, forth right, clear. I hate that. The other day I was in the doctors office with my mom and an elderly man in his 80's came in as I waited for my mother's appointment to be done and this gentleman and I chatted. He told me I had a "knowing eye" and he then explained that he watched me make clear judgments of everyone that walked in the room with my eye movements and that not everyone can shoot from their gut and that is a gift. He also said it is probably because I have been around the block a few times and no one can con me. I agreed but I also said well no one but myself. So my gut instinct has brought me success, failure, heartbreak, love, insight, pure joy and a whole lot of life. The thing is I don't smoke, drink and have never done any drugs so pancakes seem to be my salvation and for the last year I gave them up and rolled with it, lost weight, paid off my debt, spoke up, and made adult choices (ahhh that sucks sometimes).
Several months ago someone drove through my mom's living room while I was watching tv with her in the next room, yes this is not a misprint, the 80 yr old driver stepped on the gas not the brake and flew through her living room window and landed in the fire place. It was the loudest sound I ever heard - like if you broke a bottle in your head. I thought the world was being folded inward and my mom panicked and I (being a child who grew up having to bob and weave) do great in emergencies so I had my mom call 911 while I chatted with the driver who was remarkably fine. Three weeks later I moved out, and two weeks after my mom moved in with my brother and his family and she has been deteriorating from post traumatic stress or something else (we will know more this week) ever since. If you have never read my blog, I was a visual arts major not an English major so run on sentences and poor punctuation, well a given. As of very late things have gotten confusing, for everyone. I have one brother who is great, two years older, married with three sons, etc always the athlete, the accountant, the practical, responsible, follow the directions type of guy who can handle life in a mostly non emotional way. I, on the other hand, have always been the march to the beat of my own drum, question authority, my mother's date and shoulder since the age of twelve, always been self employed successfully and unsuccessfully, fearless when it gets down to it. I may wear Talbots and not have tatoos (well a few but no one would know that) but I would throw down in a heart beat for the people I love in my life or for something I believe in with out caution, which is probably why my mom has of late relied on me to speak up for her and do what I think is best when she is not quite sure of what that is.
The other day I found myself giving my mom a speech from the movie Fightclub, telling her she still had fight in her and that she needs to be Brad Pitt and the truth is I was telling myself this. Recently I fell for someone, I did, someone who has a complicated situation and is basically unavailable and being the "righteous" gal that I am I never let any line get crossed except in my heart. I hate that, I grew up in a house where crazy stuff happened and yet I knew because my mom was a highly moral rock "to be honorable, respectable always to yourself", never allow anyone to make you less you because at the end of the day it is you who has to look you in the eye. AHHH, I know so boring, I see those people who are binge drinking, and being trashy and the life of the party and having fun and I am home, alone, googling recipes for blood orange marmalade. So, there is that, my mom's health, my up and down catering business, my sometime comedy performing, my pancakes, just threw them away, my crushed heart...wah, wah, wah. I know even typing this makes me mad at me. I am a single woman who is open to great love (turns out could be anyone), I love my family, I pray for my mom to get better, I have been writing this book about the last five years of my life (my own Eat-pray-love), mine took longer, but the five years end in about a month and who knows how this book is going to end (literally), I know that the truth sets you free but being honest with yourself sometimes feels shitty. My honest truth: sometimes I feel sad, happy, ecstatic, lonely, sexy, beautiful, fat days, mean, angry, frustrated, empowered, hopeful, fearless, successful, like a total f@ck up, a good daughter, a good friend, a crappy daughter, a crappy friend, like a super hero, in need of a hero, and once in a while nothing at all. I always followed the road less traveled which has been good and at times much less than good. I always feel like I take three steps forward and two steps back, lately I am getting over taking any steps back because even now my moms words are right "not everyone has to like me"-----except me and I have a hell of a lot of fight still in me-thanks Brad Pitt! xo, thank you for reading, Vicki