Monday, September 28, 2009

so I wore a lady blazer.

I performed in a show on Saturday night at Eastville Comedy Club in NYC, it is a fun monthly show produced and hosted by Gerard Mignone and called "That time of the month", I wore a lady blazer. I have two ways of thinking in my brain, the first confident people look put together and care about their appearance and style, the second confident people don't give a f*ck and look how they want which could mean shitty if they feel like it. These are two completely different ways of thinking- oh brain let's get it together. (I like to include my internal monologue whenever possible and yes I am aware that no longer makes it internal but I can't help myself)
So right now I am wearing horizontal striped sweats (that I have slept in and never have been seen in by other than cat eyes or a food delivery person while I was also wearing a trench coat).
This past Saturday I made a slight effort (a little more than slight, I played home version of project runway), I hemmed these pants I found in my closet, the same ones I kept trying on in a rush and would always say "too long" and then put them back, I wore a shirt that was low cut, purple, and frilly and was also once a cute too short dress I bought and never wore (so I shortened it to shirt length), a lady blazer that was fit in a way that the show "What not to Wear" says to wear it, oh and four inch sexy heels. That was an effort. I felt good, confident, and I also said the words "lady blazer" 8 times during my 10 minute set, it was funny and not planned. I can do confident, I just can not do cool and confident. Cool is a trait I don't wear well, aloof forget about it, not in this lifetime.
When I lived on the Upper East side in Manhattan I would see these woman who had stone faces, Prada Shoes, and perfectly blown out hair. They seemed invincible but as I watched them, me wearing my rocket dog sneakers, I would chuckle thinking I bet if I went over and said "aren't those last season's shoes?" would they crumble and feel inadequate? Here's the thing I think everyone has their own deal, they are afraid they don't have enough money, too much fat, not enough brains, the right shoes. I always think of myself as building from the inside out and my outward appearance as my final frontier. So, then there is the lady blazer. Feeling great has nothing to do with what other people say or what the reflection in that store window you pass on the street looks like. I have been deflated a bunch of times thinking I look great only to catch myself in a Macy's window thinking "what was I thinking?". Enough that is only glass and the reflection of light or what ever I can't remember I haven't been in an art class in years. The point is strength is something that comes from inside and the lady blazer is just the accessory. I am headed to my first WWF weigh in and I think I followed the rules this week so I think it is starting to work. I understand your weight does not equal confidence but I do understand putting my energy towards treating myself well is the perfect breeding ground for an incredibly confident sassy lady, or man, but in my case lady! I ALSO THINK THAT IF , caps by accident, get down to my goal weight, I mean when I get down to my goal weight I will wear a string bikini everywhere, to make up for lost time and maybe a lady blazer. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki

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