Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mr. Big led me a stray.......

Here is the thing I can watch the same "Sex and the city" re-run a million times and if I look at the date it was first aired dis-belief comes over my face. Ahhh, I have to say my final goodbye to my own personal not that hot Mr. Big.
I am not sure if anyone is reading this however I think of it as a personal journal that I ramble a lot in. I recently ran my new one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" in Scotland for the month and will be tweaking it and doing it in NYC and LA (more info to follow). My show was my life, of how I lost myself and then found myself and ended up a super hero. It includes my dad, mom, first crush, mentions or includes the three serious (not always serious but long term relationships I had each 3+ yrs) and some other people who led me on my way for the good or the bad of it. That being said it is funny how I neglected to include my "not that hot" Mr Big.
I have to say this entry is fueled by the fact that I just watched "He is just not that into You" while on the treadmill (yay, my good voice won today!). So I decided I have to let him go for real, and realize he was never Mr Big (a fictional character who gave hope to the idea of - "what if true love brings us back together", eventually).
Here is my personal Serendipity (yes referencing that John Cusack movie which also helped foster some of my delusion)-
I grew up in New Jersey and my first love and HS boyfriend was a guy named Mike who was kind of a cheap version of Vanilla Ice- but he was my first everything and coming from a wacky home (both of us) we fit together and he became my best friend and boyfriend. When it was time to go to college, I cried the day I got into Mason Gross, the Art school at Rutgers, because I knew it was where I had to go. I had to stay in NJ because of the money.Mike and I stayed together, he was a year older and had dropped out of college and was living in NJ as well so that part was fine. I went off to my dorm in New Brunswick and day two met this guy named Rich who I immediately clicked with because we had the similar sense of humor and I was this super sassy 18yr old and he dug it. He also had a girlfriend and knew I had a boyfriend which made it easy so we can be silly flirty friends and not worry about it. Weeks went by and we hung out all the time (both of our bf/gf were back at their homes). we laughed, were flirty and never crossed the line. One day Rich shows up, after a weekend visiting his girlfriend, to tell me he broke up with his girlfriend and he loved me and if I wanted to get married he would marry me. WHAT???? He was ruining everything, I was torn. He was this guy I would hang with who made me be my best self well not made me but I would be. But, I was a good girl so I said, "I'm sorry I can't break up with Mike". Rich was crushed and our friendship got weird fast. We both dealt with it shitty and the next year I left school, with several notes, a video, and a wonder in my heart "did I make the wrong choice?" Rich and I lost touch, and Mike and I stayed together for four more years, I opened an art gallery, then my father became ill and past away and then six months later Mike slept with a bank teller. I was shocked, upset, and it was over. Soon after, for fun I started dating this hot body builder named John who was not the one but was a lot of fun. This gallery I opened was 5 minutes from Rich's parents house and I had an art opening of this Portugeuse artist (Rich is Porteguese). I thought of him again called his parents and left a message with his mom. Five minutes later my phone rang, it was Rich, he sounded shocked and excited. We met the next night for dinner and it was the same, except my heart was free and his was taken. He was living with this woman from Equador who was a grad student and they were planning on getting married. The next day he sent me flowers, and the insanity started again. I told John right away I could not see him again, feeling that was the right thing to do. Rich and I saw each other a few more times and he was torn and committed and I got that so I pulled myself out of the running. He got married and I went back with John. Shorty after I made a bunch of money and bought a little house in NW NJ and then shortly after broke up with John. A year goes by and I start dating Eben who is kind of a cool at first guy but ends up as someone I wished could be removed from my life like a relationship that,well kind of sucker punched my self esteem. We stayed together for five years, I tried to break it off a few times but we lived together and that is much harder than just dating. Feeling like shit one night, with Eben in the next room, I googled Rich and up comes a quote from that book "He is just not that into you" from him. OMG!!! He says "He has stayed in relationships that he was over because it was easier than breaking up". OMG!!! I find his email on line somewhere and send a brief, hello, hope you are great. Sure you have cute kids.blah, blah. Five minutes later I get an email back, pls call me tomorrow and his number. OMG!! The next day, even though Eben was a shit, I felt guilty so I drove to a food store parking lot to make the call. I dialed, Rich answered, same connection. I pretended to be in love and super happy (oh ego). He said little just asked me a ton of questions about my life. We spoke a few more times. He wanted to see me, but you see I felt like crap- was in a crappy place and was embarrassed to see him. I refused. Shortly after, I reach my breaking point and insist Eben leave. I pack up his stuff, and through tears he drives away. It is so weird it seems like the shitty relationships are harder to end. I am single a couple months and start feeling better. I get a job to work in this town I have never been , look cute and have had a great blow out (cute hair). I pull in this parking lot to have lunch at this place that looks cute and I feel like , Rich is going to be here, based on nothing what so ever, just a feeling. I park the car, head in and I see Rich at a table on the second level. I freak out and immediately head to the bathroom. I call every friend and no one is there. I make myself leave the rest room and sit at a table. I call the waitress over and ask her to send him a chocolate milkshake. Five minutes later, he is sitting in front of me, both of us in shock. He says, I have to go back to work, but have to meet you later , when ?Where? We meet later at a Starbucks and I find out Rich got divorced three years prior and he knew I was living with someone because he had called 2 years ago. I told him I just sold my house and was going to move to NYC or LA, he told me at the end of the month he was moving out of NYC. He also said he had a girlfriend and she was nice and caring and blah blah. I moved to NYC the day after Rich moved out. We had dinner once two weeks later and it was difficult. I tried to be light and fun and he was someone who seemed like life had tumbled a bit too much. I still wanted him, he was with someone new. We didn't speak but a year later I googled him again and his Kohl's wedding #2 registry came up. He got married again two years ago and up until recently he was my facebook friend (had to delete him). I always thought of great love as having this incredible story, like a movie or something.
I feel like I have paid any karmic debt of rejecting him the first time. I would say one broken heart gets canceled out by two weddings. Wow, this was a long tale of nothing really, I have probably thought of this story a dozen more times than the amount of time I actually have ever seen him. I am kind of in a point in my life that is "rock bottom real"- like I can't afford any emotional bologna to waste any more time, I can't afford these thighs anymore- they have served me well, however treadmill take them away. I also cannot be distracted by what anyone else is doing or pursuing- I have my own dreams and I need to implement them. Life is funny sometimes, I can distract myself with so many different things, and I don't just mean Bravo tv marathons- oh Nene! I am closing this story for good finally in my head. I am also challenging myself to finally get in shape, pay off any debt, move to a place which will further my dreams and aid in my happiness. Alright the timer is set.....Go!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki

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