and then I counted to 10...

So this Holiday season has been thankfully very busy, I have been cooking, baking, serving, delivering and teaching as much as I possibly can. Yesterday was a double duty day, I was teaching a kids cooking class and then heading to a dinner party that I was cooking and serving in NYC. When you work in the food business, holidays creep up on you like, "oh tomorrow's Christmas". I have baked over 1000 cookies in the last week and fed at least 500 people, so my body was ready for a rest and yesterday morning it came to a halt. I showed up to teach my class and the place forgot about it, which put me in scrambles, rushing around, getting ingredients, clearing space, etc. My heart started to beat rapidly, my hands and feet numbed and I knew any second I was going to be "that lady", "that lady who passed out at my 11th cooking Birthday party". I didn't want to do it, I gave myself that "come on Vicki pull it together- you just need to make it through the next two hours without dying". I made it through, out to the car, on to my cell phone and forced my sister-in-law (who is a nurse) to chat with me for the car ride home. The whole, being an entrepreneur, an artist, a what ever puts me in a position of not having health insurance and not having an option of not being healthy. Yesterday, however I had to face my fear and go to a doctor and deal with it, for no other reason than the fact that I had a dinner party that night as well to cook for. My brother Charles, is a good guy, he is one of the best I know, despite the whole Republican thing, he does the right thing for his family, friends, humanity. He and his wife showed up for me yesterday and loaded me up and than as I was at the doctor he sat with his etiquette book reading about proper table service, etc. He realized when I told him I was going to the doctor (after never ever going) he may have to step in for me last night.The doctor took my blood pressure, normal chit chat and then we talked about panic attacks and he gave me some pills that I should take in case it happens again. My brother came with me last night and helped serve, he did a great job. These last couple months I have been figuring out my life, saving, etc and the more I think about it I don't need to find me, I know me. I love my family, being creative, people, cooking, laughing, writing and just living a life I am proud of. Lately I have been looking at spots to open a store front for "Soulfully Good" my catering business. I know this will be a shock to those who thought "super stardom" was the obvious next step but if I am being honest with myself, this makes me happy the thought of making 12 kinds of scones in the morning and making stain glass cookies to fill my windows and most of all maybe working with my family some times. I know it does not seem cool to say, but I like my family. I would like to get married one day and have some kidlets and I think not being afraid means just being true and good to yourself no matter what that means. I still don't know the exact next move but I do know I (without panic attack) am excited about it.
HAPPY EVERYTHING!!! thanks for reading. xo, Vicki