Bittersweet..now I truly get the meaning

I can't believe it has been about six months since I have written here am not sure if anyone reads it however I feel the need to write. I kind of have to say this past year I have truly learned the meaning of bittersweet. The great parts, some of the greatest parts of my life I have gotten to experience this past year and the worst part too.

Let's start with the great parts I fell in love......with me, I came to the point in my life where I was honest with myself and the world of who I am, what I like, and more importantly I am going to choose happy over not, whether that means doing what is good for my mind, body or spirit, or just not having any inauthentic relationships, just being real...being me. I also fell in love with.....an amazing lady who loves me too and I have never been happier. I used to hear people say, "I can't wait to get married or I want to be in love" and I would think, "what's wrong with you?". But no, turns out, I didn't know it, hadn't had it, you get the point. I am happy and love is nice...people actually write those songs and cards for a reason...who knew? What else, I had some fun success with my cooking, which was nice. It is funny when I was a kid I set up a fake restaurant at my parents house for a night and have been cooking since and it turns out having respected people in your field tell you your food tastes great. Well it feels good, and when you have fun doing it...even better. That was another lesson I learned this year...have fun, no matter what. When you have fun everything is better....it all just works.

So to tally it up so far...Me...happy, in-love, doing what I love and being successful, having fun and then....my mom dies.

I don't mean it was an out of the blue thing. My mom, did two miles a day on the treadmill, ate a piece of chicken, broccoli, and a yam for dinner, drank water, took her vitamins and would tell me, starting two years ago, "I don't think I am going to live very long". To which I would respond, "are you kidding me, you are in better shape than both of your children?" Long story short, a car drove through her living room a year and a half ago, she was not hit but traumatized, her high stress levels made even higher and she started to deteriorate, then this past February after a few doctors, tests, etc..found out she had advanced progressive Alzheimer's. I didn't want to believe it, I still don't fully. I never wanted to stop believing in her, and selfishly, I was happy and I wanted her to see it play out and be there for my success, love, future, etc. My mom, Irene passed away on September 29th. It was the worst thing ever. The week before she stopped being able to swallow, and aspirated (her lungs filled with fluid). My mom never liked hospitals, doctors, she was scared and even when I was a kid I would stay with her, in the hospital, go with her for tests, etc. I prayed that I would be able to be with her if something happened and I was. I put off everything, making arrangements, saying goodbyes, until the week before, literally the night before she aspirated, I arranged her funeral, plot, etc. It was like she waited for me to get there, on some emotional level. I drove to see her Saturday and then stayed till she passed Thursday morning. We had the kind of relationship like a Time Life book series, like "daughter in Ohio burns her hand and then mother in Atlanta gets stung by bee on same hand." I felt her pain and she mine and on Wednesday night when my heart was racing and I was inconsolably sobbing, and thought I would pass out as she lay there dying, and then a hospice nurse told me to pray, pray that my mom would have a safe passing to heaven and to rest. I laid down and prayed and fell asleep for an hour and woke up at 3am to see the hospice nurse praying for my mom with church hymns playing on the tv. It was surreal, and I was calm, I left the room, called the nearest Greek Orthodox church (which I haven't been to since I was a kid), and the priest answered, I explained to him at 3am that I put off having a priest visit my mom in fear it would scare her and that I believe she is dying but I know she would want to be blessed before passing. He came at 4am and blessed my mom and three of us prayed for my mom (the priest, nurse and myself), her body instantly was more peaceful. Her breathing slowed a bit more. She held on till my brother got there in the morning and then passed at 10:15. One day I will write only about my mom, because she was an amazing strong lady who self sacrificed and lived with honor and dignity. I think I am not there yet. My dad died 15 yrs ago and it was different, this is different.

I am so thankful. I had a great mom who I know is still with me, I am healthy, in love, happy, and excited for what the future holds. I feel blessed and know that this is part of life. I know all of this.......but once in a while I cry though, that I want my mom to call for just five minutes, and I miss her...but thankfully I have someone who pats my puffy eyes with a damp cloth and tells me they love me. Bittersweet..........thank you for reading. xo, Vicki