Saturday, May 14, 2011

So it sucks sometimes....

I like blue skies, glitter, love, puppies and aluminum baseball bats. The last one didn't seem to fit but it does for me. I am that lady, the one who when the going gets tough, I bring a bat...I mean really tough. My mom has Alzheimer's and I guess only since words like "assisted living" and "power of attorney" became part of my daily speech did I not really accept it. I always live with the idea that our lives are our own reality and we create the good and the bad of it and each part is a lesson....but once in a great while do I just go "WTF?" and then I get a bat. The problem is this time I don't know who to swing at, the people who are understandably frustrated with helping my mom who forget that showing her dignity is important, the guy who drove through her living room last year and triggered a sh*t load of health problems for my mom, my mom who has leaned on me more than normal since I was five and has me in charge of deciding everything about what to do now.........see none of them really work and since donuts are not the best option any longer, I am writing in the middle of the night rather than waking up my girlfriend to start another inane argument about nothing..literally nothing. My girlfriend is amazing and has been there packing up my mom, calming me down....for this I am overwhelmingly grateful, usually it is just me and the bat. The point angry......I guess that isn't it, it is more I just miss my mom. I know I am lucky, I have my health, love, still have a mom and I am in my late thirties, but I miss her. My mom was never the bake cookies type, the hugging type, the emotional gooey type and if you asked her to make you a Halloween costume, well she would have bought you a great one. However my mom was the the only one in my life who cared I had a roof over my head, showed me by example, what honor and dignity were and ingrained in me the fact that"the world is my oyster and I can do anything I want to"...even if she may have forgotten that for herself. But as an adult I know she didn't forget that, she self sacrificed, my dad was an abusive, non working alcoholic and my mom's outer shell may not have been soft.. it was dependable and a safe harbor for me even when I carried a bat.
Okay enough about the bat, the point......sometimes it sucks and I can shed a tear, maybe eat half a french crueler, allow myself a minute to get quiet and listen to myself and then swing. Swing so hard because that is what my mom would have done for me, and right now her defenses are down, her fear is high and I feel like the only person she really trusts. Life is funny, it took me a very long time to fully live my truth, really fall in love with me and then another, and almost at the same time my mom's health started to fail her. I guess it is all part of the matrix and I don't need to know the why or the whatever instead I will just feel blessed that I was raised by a tough, dependable, strong minded woman ....and I am my mother's daughter. Thank you for reading. xo, Vicki


  1. I feel you here.... My mom is 86 and very hard of hearing. Communicating with her is difficult and often I feel sorry for me because I miss her. I miss the phone calls and the story telling. She also repeats things all the time. Its not as bad as if she died but a part of the MOM I know and love fades a bit more every time. The universe is a bitch. It feels like you grow in one area and you have to accept something else too as payment sometimes. I hurt for you. All we can do is love them back all the more... while we can. Its not easy.

  2. Thinking of you and your/my mom. Hugs.

  3. Very honest and moving. Very real. One of the most real blog entries ever. You seem really clear on everything. And you are right on everything. Sometimes things are just sad and they suck but it will get better, as you know. So sorry you have to go through this.