so last night I worked with this very pregnant young lady who was probably 19 and we chatted, I asked the standard baby questions one asks, like "will you dress the baby in a bee costume?", sorry bee costumes make me smile. She looked nervous, I mean she is 19 and very pregnant, I mean I am 37 and when I hold an itty bitty baby all I think is "don't drop the baby." I asked if she was excited, she sheepishly said, "yeah". Then I said, "everyone is mostly scared shit less and excited a lot of the time, so no worries." She laughed and agreed that was how she felt.
I have been feeling very strong lately, lucky, thankful, alone but not lonely, and a bit like a ninja but still there is the tiny part of me that is scared shit less, like the part that feels for the crazies that come and go in my life at times. I learned the basics like do unto others, take your vitamins, drink water, save some money, pay your light bill, forgiveness, ask for help, don't allow someone to make you less than who you are, how to make awesome scones.....the basics. I know that it could always be worse, like I have clean water and if I had a baby I wouldn't have to give birth in a field and cut the umbilical cord with a sickle...perspective I think that is what they call it. I know perspective. I also know this feeling I have lately like I am built on steel and strong, fearless and focused but I also know there is that unknown part, my heart, my heart that could be as big as an apple pie and be vulnerable and melt my steel foundation. Get to the point....alright so my mom is not in the best of health lately (still unclear), recently got dumped (that part is fine, not really but will be very fine, very soon), I am essentially alone (but aren't we really all). I mean I sat on my subway ride home today looking around thinking who the strong people are if something were to happen..it's not necessarily the ones with the camouflage on or the multiple piercings, it is probably the lady who just finished working three jobs to put her kid through college or the guy who just carried the stroller up the stairs without being asked. Strength, inner strength is something I have always had (we all have it), but I have forgotten mine many times in my life. This last year I let it all fly and emptied out my closet, literally. I have made light of the toughest of situations, felt no fear when I should have been afraid, did what was best for me though I was scared, lonely and just tired (because I knew my truth clearly). A friend, I highly respect, recently told me a story about this crab guy who never covers his basket of crabs and another crabber asked if he was afraid they would escape, and the first crab guy said no, if one tries to crawl out, the other crabs just pull him back in to the pile. I guess that is my only fear really to be pulled back into the pile, my own pile of ...that's fine, or I don't want better, or I am invisible. I like that I can see the pile clearly because now when I see those crabs getting closer I just drink some water, see the fear for what it is, eat an apple, delete the text, take a breathe, and know that I am a tiny bit scared shit less but mostly standing on steel. Steel that has been building for a long time and so is that 19 year old who is keeping her baby, working two jobs, going to school and still wears a smile on her face. Hell her steel is much stronger than mine....thank you for reading! xo, Vicki
PS.. I also know and am very thankful for friends, family members and strangers who always encourage me and push me along my path for the good or the bad of it. I promise to make you proud!!!