what you talkin' bout Willis?

That Arnold, oh such a card. I realize I am a single woman, in my 30's, with a couple of cats, temporarily staying with my Mom, unsure of the exact next step of my life, an optimist, a sometimes silly but spiritual person, not afraid to fail, likes to be chatty but also quiet, can cook you under the table and may have made a giant gingerbread house with my nephews that looked exactly like the house they live in- however it still stings a tinge to not be one of the cool kids.
Last night I performed in a show that followed another show and the room was packed. I walked in feeling cute and also slightly nervous having not performed in two weeks and also noting the rooms average age, a good guess, 24. I knew a few people said hello, and the standard greetings, and then saw some cool kids, the ones that kind of look you up and down, add up your function in their lives and respond accordingly or not at all. I never worried about fitting in, I think coming from a wacky house I just wanted to appear "normal" what ever that was and by the time my preteen angst came about I "walked to the beat of my own drum", a favorite phrase my mother likes to use to describe me after telling people my brother is a CPA. So, cool to me is being aloof- a quality that I was spared, they were like give her thighs but keep aloof so I am terrible at it. However, when ever my nerves get to me and I absorb some of that vacuumis energy I become this person who fakes "normal" like the wall to the real me comes up and I try to play the aloof cool game which for me comes off as slightly retarded. It seems like I always take 4 steps forward, three steps back and yes you guessed it cha-cha-cha. No really I am always learning a bit more, feel more confident, blah, blah, blah and then retreat slightly. So what's the answer? Be cooler, NO, laser shoot these people in my mind, NO, maybe, NO, just keep going, doing my thing and realize the cool guy from HS is now selling insurance and has a beer belly. But, I hate that answer, like the "I think less of you to think more of me" because I am really an uncool cool. So, I decided to just keep refocusing, doing my thing, and maybe not wearing trouser socks to the next "cool" event. The people who were in the show I was in, were not aloof and were very fun, we were just out numbered. Thanks for reading.
xo, Vicki
PS- I did run yesterday- #365- and I lived, and still question the sanity of runners, sorry may try again. #364 challenge- still unknown- but I will do it before midnight tonight and will update tomorrow. Please, even anonymously, leave me some comments with "never have" challenges for me, my brain is still frozen on "slightly retarded".
*** the word retarded is used in this blog to describe actions that say exactly how I feel and in no way reflect anyone who has any learning challenges.

365 days till.......

First I have to admit I am fully aware that this blogging thing is a self indulgent thing for me with that being said more about me. Stop it, no really that being said I have decided to take on a personal challenge for the next 365 days, why you ask? what kind of challenge? Well back ground for anyone who is wondering, flash back 4 years 3 months ago - I was living in Sparta, NJ, a cute town on a little lake, living with a mean little man who was as shitty as I felt, and trying my darndest to make ends meet, unhappy and no idea how to change it. Flash back 3 1/2 years ago, sold my house, killed the troll (not really just made him leave), and moved to NYC, made a list of things to do because I really had no idea what made me happy. List read: Punk rock guitar player, glassblower, perform something....that was the start. So each week I dragged my newly bought guitar to lessons, I took a few trains to Brooklyn to learn to blow glass, and I started taking improv classes at the Upright Citizens Brigade. Then CBGB's closed- I gave up on the punk rock dream, had fun blowing glass but not my medium, and discovered stand-up comedy and love it!!! So flashing back to the present, I moved back to NJ a few months ago to save $$ for my next move, did a one person show "Lady Bug Warrior" and working on tweaking it and doing it again, and performing stand up a few times a week. I am kind of at a plateau, and feel like I need to shake it up a bit again because having any down time usually causes me to google any physical ailments I have, and at this point having self diagnosed myself too many times I should already be dead.
I need a personal challenge- so here goes- everyday I have to try something I have never done before (or in a very long time)- as simple as eating a tangelo, or as daring as tight rope walking, or as bold as telling someone to F off at the second I think it (never have said to anyone unless in jest). So besides my regular blogging I will include my daily challenge. Today, duh, duh, duh- I will run (not walk) 1 1/2 miles, I know I can't believe that this is true but I would say it is safe to say that for at least 15 years I have never had the inclination to run, ever. I have fast walked a bunch for miles but never kicked it up. So here goes challenge #1- if I never write again that means I didn't make it and can say Running is bad! - I probably will survive- knowing now that my heart rate rising is not a sign of death but merely exercise. Thanks for reading! xo,
Vicki